


Catch Me When I Fall (In Love With You)

by Zenece



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: F/F, Pon Farr
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-03
Updated: 2021-01-10
Packaged: 2021-03-13 12:14:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 55,959
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28528302
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zenece/pseuds/Zenece
Summary: In every life story, there are certain key moments that determine the rest of the narrative...And when B'Elanna Torres 'catches' Pon Farr, it certainly has an impact on Kathryn Janeway's life.
Relationships: Chakotay/Kathryn Janeway, Kathryn Janeway/B'Elanna Torres
Comments: 61
Kudos: 79





	1. Chapter 1

Prologue

In every life story, there are certain key moments that determine the rest of the narrative. Turning points, into which the different threads of past experiences converge and where the threads of the future are spawned. 

In hindsight, you can usually identify these pivotal moments. Yet when you’re smack in the middle of one, it’s not always that clear. Sometimes you have a feeling that you can’t quite place, a latent knowledge at the periphery of your awareness. Something’s going on, something is going to change, but you never know what exactly. Until it clicks into place.

One of those turning points for me occurred shortly after I took command of Voyager. When we left drydock, I felt something big was coming, something that would have a large impact on my life. And then we got thrown in the Delta Quadrant a couple of days later, and I was literally being hurtled towards my destiny. 

Another pivotal point in my life happened later, in the middle of my journey back home to the Alpha Quadrant, and it changed the course of my life drastically as well.  
Several events in my life brought me to that point, some in quite obvious ways, while others attributed much more subtly.  
But in hindsight, it’s safe to say that my fondness of rock climbing set everything in motion.

~~~

Chapter I

“You like rock climbing, don’t you Captain?” 

The question, simple enough, was fired at me by Tom Paris almost immediately after I exited my Ready Room and entered the Bridge.  
At the time, I had no idea yet that my answer would have such an impact on the rest of my life. So I sat down in my chair and replied with a smile.

“I sure do, Mister Paris. Why do you ask?” 

Tom leaned forward in his seat, eager to explain. “I’ve programmed a new mountain face in my rock climbing holoprogram. A couple of us will be trying it out after work tomorrow. Would you like to join?”

My smile broadened. I had tried Tom’s program before and enjoyed it very much. The idea that he’d made additions delighted me and I found myself eager to discover which challenges he had fabricated. 

Mentally, I reviewed my agenda. Did I have anything planned for tomorrow evening?  
I turned to my First Officer next to me as I remembered. “We have dinner plans tomorrow, don’t we?” I was unable to completely hide my disappointment.

Chakotay nodded in acknowledgement. “We do.” 

Briefly, I considered cancelling our plans, but the hopeful look in Chakotay’s eyes quickly dissuaded me. He was looking forward to our weekly evening together and if I was completely honest, so was I. 

With an apologetic smile, I turned back to my pilot. “Another time, Tom.” 

Picking up on my regret, Tom quickly adjusted his proposal. “You’re both welcome to join before you have dinner. Rock climbing is known to work up quite an appetite.” 

Raising my eyebrows in question, I turned back to Chakotay, trying to assess what he thought of the possibility of doing both: first rock climbing and then an abbreviated version of dinner afterwards. 

The Commander opened his mouth, seeming hesitant to speak.  
“I don’t feel very comfortable dangling on a piece of rope without solid ground under my feet.” He admitted with an embarrassed smile. “I’m not really fond of heights to tell you the truth.” 

In a flash I remembered a moment when we had been stranded on New Earth together. We’d been hiking for the better part of a day when we’d unexpectedly stepped dangerously close to the steep abyss of a ravine. Chakotay’s fear of heights had presented itself quite clearly at that moment. I wondered how I could have forgotten.

With a shrug I turned once again to Tom.  
“Thanks for the offer, Mister Paris, but I don’t think that’s an option.” Then I smiled. “I am definitely looking forward to trying out the modifications to your program in the future. It’s been too long since I’ve done any climbing.”

“Sorry to ruin your fun.” Chakotay spoke apologetically next to me. 

I gave him a genuine smile. “That’s all right Commander. I’ll just make some time for climbing next week.” I tilted my head, reconfirming our dinner plans. “So, tomorrow, 18h00, my quarters? I believe it’s my turn to cook.” 

Chakotay’s eyes widened ever so slightly. “Your turn to cook?” He asked, pretending to be horrified. “Maybe I should take my chances on the Holodeck after all.” 

As I gave him a mock glare and opened my mouth to say something in return, the turbolift doors opened and B’Elanna entered the Bridge, excitedly waving a PADD around. 

“The fourth planet of this system is a gold mine.” She grinned and then tilted her head. “Well, a gallicite mine anyway.” 

Forgetting my feigned annoyance with Chakotay, I turned to B’Elanna.  
“A mine?” I echoed, suddenly intrigued. So the planetary system we were passing seemed to be interesting after all. A first sensor sweep has shown nothing out of the ordinary.

I joined B’Elanna at the Engineering station as she brought up a scan of the planet’s surface.  
“Our scans show tunnels, clearly artificial.” B’Elanna clarified. “Vorik thinks it’s an abandoned gallicite mine.” 

I studied the screen before turning to my Chief Engineer. Her eyes mirrored my anticipation. 

“Captain, if these readings are right, we’re looking at a remaining yield of nearly a kiloton.” She grinned. “That would be enough gallicite to completely refit the warp coils.” 

A broad smile appeared on Tom’s face at the helm as well.  
“They sure could use it after all the damage they’ve taken in the past two years.” 

“Is there anyone in the area who might consider this their property?” Chakotay inquired.

B’Elanna shook her head. “The mine appears to be long abandoned.”

I nodded slowly, pleased that the odds clearly seemed to be in our favor. “All right. Let’s stake a claim.” I turned to my Chief Engineer. “I’ll leave this in your hands, B’Elanna. Use whatever resources or personnel you need.” 

“Yes Ma’am.” She nodded and turned to Tom. “Are you up for some real climbing, Flyboy? Or do you prefer the safety of the Holodeck?” 

There was a slightly taunting note in her voice that was typical of her friendship with Tom. They obviously cared about each other and I wondered, not for the first time, if there was more to their teasing than just friendship.

“Oh I’m game.” Tom replied. “But are you sure you can keep up?” 

I chuckled at their verbal antics and rolled my eyes good-naturedly. My gaze held Chakotay’s for a moment and it was clear he was having the same thoughts about Tom and B’Elanna that had just crossed my mind. 

As Chakotay smiled at me, it dawned on me that he and I teased each other in much the same way as Tom and B’Elanna did. Did that mean that eventually there could be more than friendship between us too?

Ever since we’d gotten back from New Earth, where we’d only had each other for company, I’d continued to gradually, almost imperceptibly, let my guard down with him. I had tentatively allowed our connection to deepen here on Voyager. Chakotay was happy with this development and it was obvious he would like us to be even closer. But still he seemed careful in his approach, cautious not to cross the line, although it was never really clear where the line was drawn in the first place. For me it seemed to shift continuously and I had yet to decide where would be the final boundary that I could not let him cross. I had to admit I was enjoying the exploration, and a little curious to see where we’d end up eventually.

In front of me, Tom spoke again, interrupting my train of thought.  
And as it would turn out, his words were the confirmation that a life-changing event had been set in motion.

“Captain, you should join this expedition too.”

~

The next day, I found myself in Transporter Room Two with Tom when B’Elanna walked in with a spring in her step.  
“Ah, you two are awfully prompt.” She spoke, giving both me and Tom a quick onceover to inspect our climbing outfit and gear. 

“Impressed?” Tom countered teasingly.

B’Elanna narrowed her eyes and huffed.  
“It’ll take a little more work than that to impress me, Lieutenant.”

I resisted the urge to roll my eyes, wondering how long it would be before their back-and-forth taunting started to annoy me. In any case, it seemed B’Elanna was in excellent spirits and obviously looking forward to our expedition.

She briskly moved to the console. “All right, let me show you our target area.”

“Wasn’t Ensign Vorik supposed to be here too?” I asked, remembering how he and B’Elanna had been preparing this mission together the day before.  
Vorik had been the one to map out the path that would get us to what we assumed to be the largest deposits of gallicite.

“Vorik’s not coming.” B’Elanna snapped brusquely, already starting to point at her screen. 

“Why not?” I queried, thinking that she ought to give me a little more of an explanation than that.

B’Elanna unsuccessfully tried to suppress a sigh of annoyance at my questioning.  
“He’s not feeling well. He went to Sickbay.” 

She gave me a look as to say ‘now can we move on?’ and it was clear that she wanted to continue with the mission. So I refrained from further questioning her on the topic and stepped closer to the screen.  
In hindsight, the reason for Vorik’s illness might have been information that could have come in handy, but of course, at the time, I wasn’t aware of that. 

“This seems to be the most accessible vein of gallicite.” B’Elanna pointed at the screen. She already seemed to have forgotten her annoyance and was animatedly showing our route of entry. “We’ll beam to the surface, and go down through this passageway until it dead ends in this chamber. Then we’ll descend almost fifty meters, almost straight down.”  
She turned around, looking directly to Tom. “Do you see any problem with that?” 

Tom grinned at her. “Walk in the park.” 

B’Elanna simply rolled her eyes at his bravado. “Do we have all the equipment?” 

Pointing at the cases, Tom listed them. “Let’s see: laser drill, sample cases, geo-spectral analysis kit…”

“In other words, we’re ready.” B’Elanna interrupted him, picking up the cases and pushing them into Tom’s hands. Then she turned to me and bared her teeth in an excited grin.  
“Let’s go.” 

As soon as we beamed to the surface, B’Elanna started scanning the environment with her tricorder.  
“This way.” 

I took a moment to look around and couldn’t help but notice remnants of a building. “Look over here. This structure must have been part of the mining operation.” 

Tom scanned it. “It’s damaged pretty badly. More than I expected based on the scans from orbit.” 

“Maybe there was a natural disaster, like an earthquake.” I offered, remembering that our scans had also shown evidence of seismic activity in the past.

“If you’re both done sightseeing, maybe we can get to the real reason we’re here.” B’Elanna grumped impatiently, cutting our conversation short.

Her enthusiasm of before seemed to have turned into annoyance again.  
Was it only my impression or did she seem a little more volatile than usual? When I looked at Tom to see if he noticed it too, he only chuckled.  
“Are we in a rush?”

“I just don’t see any point in wasting time.” B’Elanna huffed, obviously still irritated by our interest in anything other than the mission.  
She started to move again. Then she looked over her shoulder to Tom and just as quickly her bad mood seemed to vanish again, making way for a gleam in her eyes.  
“Unless, of course, you want to stall to put off having to demonstrate your climbing expertise.” She taunted. 

Tom’s ego responded the way I expected. He puffed up his chest a bit, readjusted his gear and moved past B’Elanna down the narrow passageway.  
“Grab your gear and try to keep up.” 

I shook my head with a sigh and followed them, listening to their bickering and vaguely wondering if I was only imagining B’Elanna’s rapid mood-swings.

As planned, we reached the end of the passageway entering a clearing with no other way to go but down a cliff. 

I swallowed as I looked down. “It didn’t look quite so steep on the sensor map, did it?” 

“We’re prepared for this. We can handle it.” B’Elanna spoke confidently and then grinned. “At least, I can.” She took off her gear and motioned to Tom’s. “Give me your case, it’s the heaviest one.” 

“That’s all right, I’ll take it.” Tom spoke, not making any attempt to switch. 

B’Elanna seemed like she wanted to argue for a moment, but then shrugged and proceeded to secure her own pack again. “Suit yourself.”

If she had been a little on the energetic side before, she positively seemed ecstatic now, like she was ready to bounce off the walls, or even jump off the cliff instead of just climbing down. It was with some sense of relief that I watched her adjust her safety gear and drive the piton solidly into the rock. 

She checked her lines and threw us a look, first at Tom then at me.  
“Last one down is a nuch.” 

Before either of us could say anything, B’Elanna swiftly jumped over the edge, as if she would not be dangling over fifty meters above solid ground. 

“B’Elanna!” I leapt to the edge to look down, fearing she might have seriously injured herself. But instead I found her grinning from ear to ear as she abseiled in wild moves. 

“Nuchpu’!” She yelled up at the both of us, which I assumed meant something along the line of ‘cowards’. 

I looked at Tom and saw he was finally thinking the same thing I was: what on earth was wrong with her? 

“Let’s go.” I ordered as I readied my gear and secured my own piton. 

Tom was still securing the heavy case to his harness as I already moved to the edge. 

“Need a hand?” I asked him, at the same time looking down to see how B’Elanna was doing. 

“Go. I’ll be right behind you.” He spoke, a hint of concern audible in his voice. It seemed as if he finally realized as well that B’Elanna’s behavior was not normal.

Tentatively I started my descent, thinking it was a small miracle B’Elanna hadn’t broken her neck with her overconfident moves.

Below me I heard a soft thud followed by an excited ‘whoop’ as B’Elanna reached the ground.

I descended further, carefully pushing myself off the edge in controlled moves. Above me to my right, Tom had also started coming down. He moved even slower than I did, the heavy case hindering his movements. 

“Are you all right Tom?” I yelled up, wondering if I should climb back up to help him. 

“I’m fine.” He replied. “Guess I’m the nuch though.” 

Rolling my eyes, I covered the last few meters and jumped down on the ground. 

“What took you so long?” B’Elanna approached me with a smile as I started to pull the rope free of my safety harness. “The gallicite is that way.”

Her face was right in front of me as I looked up and I noticed her eyes were shining almost feverishly. Her hands were warm on mine as she helped me with my rope and my case and I grabbed them to stop her movements.

“It’s not a race, B’Elanna.” I looked at her with worry, my eyes darting all over her face for a sign that would explain her unusual behavior. 

A taunting expression appeared on her face and my eyes widened as she leaned in even closer, her head lingering next to mine for a second.  
“I still won.” She breathed in my ear.

“You were careless.” I chided, a little thrown by her sudden proximity. “You could have broken your neck.” 

With a growl, B’Elanna pushed away from me. “I don’t need you mothering over me.” 

My reply was cut short by a flurry of falling pebbles and small rocks to my right. I immediately looked up. “Tom, are you all right?” 

Still more than fifteen meters above the ground, Tom’s left foot was looking for support. “My pack got stuck behind a small ridge, but I managed to yank it free. I’ll have to secure it again before I can continue.”

“Tom, I’m climbing back up to help you.” I yelled at him as I started to secure my rope again. 

Next to me, B’Elanna huffed. “I should have just taken the heavy case myself.” She mumbled under her breath as she swung her own pack over her shoulder. With her tricorder in hand, she took off in the opposite direction. 

Baffled, I looked from her to Tom to her again. “Where are you going?” 

“I’m not waiting for that petaQ!” She growled. “In fact, I should have just come down here alone.” 

“Wait! B’Elanna!” I yelled as she disappeared inside a tunnel. I looked back up to Tom, torn between staying to help him and going after B’Elanna who was obviously not in her right mind. 

“My pack is secure again, Captain. Go after her.” Tom’s voice resolved my inner conflict. I looked up at him, verifying that indeed he was all right before I grabbed my gear and ran after B’Elanna.

The tunnel she disappeared into was dark, and my wrist light only illuminated the space around me for a couple of meters. Luckily I could pick up her signal on my tricorder. She was about a hundred meters ahead of me. In the dark, I ran as fast as I could but the distance between us remained roughly the same. 

After a moment it seemed like her signal remained stationary and I redoubled my efforts to catch up with her, wondering if she had reached the gallicite or if something else had happened to her. 

Ahead of me I could see the glow of her wrist light and I entered a small cavernous space. I breathed a sigh of relief as I saw B’Elanna scanning the walls with her tricorder.

“Captain, look.” She smiled broadly at me and threw her arm around my shoulder amicably as if she had not ran off in a fit of fury two minutes ago. “There are pockets of gallicite behind this wall.” She grinned. “This is-” 

The shrill warning sound of her tricorder coincided with a low rumbling all around us and I felt the ground move beneath my feet. 

“Get down!” 

A barrage of pebbles and small rocks rained down on us for long seconds before it stopped, leaving us huddled in a cloud of dust. 

We both sat up coughing and I reached out for B’Elanna in the dark.  
“Are you all right?” 

“I’m okay.” She wheezed, as she grabbed my hand. I fumbled with my wrist light for a second before I managed to turn it on and shone it around, trying to get my bearings. 

“Oh no.” I got up and moved toward the entrance of the cavern which was now blocked. “I think the tunnel caved in.” 

B’Elanna didn’t react but instead shone her light on me.  
“You’re bleeding.” 

I reached for my cheek and felt the slick wetness of blood. Yet it seemed to be only a minor cut.  
“I’m fine.” I answered, not bothered by it.

But B’Elanna reached out and angled my head to take a closer look, studying my cheek in great detail. 

“It doesn’t hu-” I started impatiently, not seeing the point in wasting time over a small cut when suddenly she came closer, growling deep in her throat, and licked the blood off my face with her tongue. 

“What-” I started just as my combadge chirped.

“Paris to Janeway. Captain? Do you read?” 

In front of me, B’Elanna blinked rapidly for a few times and then rubbed her face and moaned.  
I frowned as I tapped my combadge. 

“We’re here Tom. We’re okay.” I spoke, reaching out to place a hand on B’Elanna’s arm. She was obviously not all right.  
“What about you?” 

Relief was evident in Tom’s voice. “I’m okay Captain. The tunnel collapsed in front of me. I was afraid you were buried underneath the rubble.” 

B’Elanna sank down on the floor and started rocking slightly back and forth. I crouched next to her, putting my hand on her shoulder again and rubbed it softly as I spoke to Tom. She didn’t seem to notice.  
“We’re in a cavern at the end of the tunnel. I don’t think there’s another way out.” 

Only when I reached up to touch B’Elanna’s face, did she look up at me in confusion, as if she didn’t know where we were or what had happened. I looked at her, worried.

“Tom, contact Voyager and see if they can somehow transport us out of here.” I urged. “And hurry, because whatever was wrong with B’Elanna before, I think it’s getting worse.” 

The comm line closed and I focused again on B’Elanna.  
“Are you all right?” 

“Where are we?” 

Her question and her fragile tone of voice alarmed me.  
“Still stuck in the cave, I’m afraid.” I purposely kept my voice neutral as I answered, mindful of her mood-swings before. 

There was a pause as she tried to make sense of my words. “The caves, the gallicite.” She uttered and started to get up. “Where’s my tricorder?” 

I placed my hands on her shoulders to urge her to stay down. “No, we’re not looking for the gallicite anymore. There was a cave-in, remember?” 

Her eyes darted around as she tried to connect the dots. Then she focused on me and licked her lips. “You were bleeding…” 

“I… Yes.” I stammered, thinking back to way she had licked the blood off my face in what could only be described as a very ‘Klingon’ way.

“We have to wait for Voyager to get us out.” I added, purposely trying to steer the conversation in another direction. 

B’Elanna nodded faintly, as if she wasn’t really hearing my words, and her eyes became unfocused.  
“It’s so hot.” She murmured, tugging at her jacket to take it off.  
Then she looked back at me. “Can we get out of here?”

I frowned. Didn’t she know she asked that question a minute ago? Her obvious disorientation worried me. What was going on with her?

All of a sudden, she got up and moved to the blocked entrance, reaching out to touch the rocks. 

“We have to wait for Voyager.” I repeated, watching her as she tried to dislodge some smaller rocks. “There’s no way we can dig through this with our bare hands.” 

B’Elanna simply ignored me and continued to pry rocks from the rubble. When she removed a larger piece, a small part the nearby ceiling collapsed and I jumped to grab her arm. 

“Leave it!” I pulled her back. “This tunnel is unstable. You want bring the rest of it down on our heads?”

Suddenly angry, B’Elanna yanked her arm free. “Let go of me.” 

It surprised me again how quickly her mood shifted. She started pacing the small cavern, obviously agitated. 

“All right, let’s just take it easy.” I shushed, trying to figure out what I could do to pacify her.  
I grabbed my tricorder, holding it out to her. “While we’re here, we might as well map the exact locations of the gallicite deposits.” 

But she didn’t pay attention to me.  
“I need to get out of here, before I-” Suddenly she groaned and started rubbing her own arms up and down in frustration. “God, I feel like I’m crawling out of my skin. I need to do something, I can’t take this.” 

With two leaps she was back at the pile of rocks, reaching out to attempt to remove a large boulder that blocked the passageway. It was clear that it if she somehow managed to move it, the whole structure might collapse around us.

Not bothering to say anything, I simply launched myself at her and pulled her back so she couldn’t cause another cave-in. We stumbled over each other, and I ended up on my back on the floor with her lying on top of me. 

For a couple of seconds, she didn’t move and I reached out to touch her face.  
“B’Elanna?” My concern was evident in my voice. “Are you all right?”  
I wondered if I’d hurt her with my brazen move.

Then I heard her growl. It was low, coming from deep inside her, and it sounded much like when she had licked the blood off my cheek. Her body suddenly felt heavy on me and my eyes widened as she moved her head and I felt her teeth graze along the line of my jaw, in a soft but at the same time firm way.

“B’Elanna.” I repeated, but this time my voice hitched as I felt a trace of apprehension. From what little I knew about it, this was starting to look a lot like Klingon foreplay. 

“Tuvok to Janeway.” 

Just in time, I thought.  
B’Elanna made no move to get off me as I replied. 

“Janeway here.” 

“Captain, we have set up a portable transporter unit just on the other side of the cave-in to beam you out.” Tuvok informed us. “However, due to interference from the gallicite we can only operate it with a narrow angular confinement beam. You and Lieutenant Torres will have to stay close to each other for transport.” 

My eyes darted to B’Elanna who was now nuzzling my neck. A part of me could see the humor in this.  
“That shouldn’t be a problem.” I replied dryly. “Energize.” 

When we materialized on the other side, I noticed Tom’s eyebrows rising as he saw exactly how we were positioned. Tuvok, however, seemed unfazed and immediately started scanning B’Elanna with a medical tricorder.

I moved to sit up and B’Elanna remained slumped against me, appearing very weak and devoid of energy again. Whatever was going on, her condition seemed to be getting worse. 

The frown on Tuvok’s face deepened as he interpreted the data. 

“What’s wrong with her?” Tom asked the question that I had been asking myself for a while already. 

“As I suspected, Lieutenant Torres is displaying symptoms that are similar to Pon Farr.” He spoke. “We must get her back to the ship before her condition becomes life-threatening.” 

My eyebrows rose in surprise at his words, but Tuvok focused on helping B’Elanna up. 

“Voyager can’t beam us up from here.” Tom informed me and grabbed the portable transporter. “We’re too far underground. We’ll have to get out of the caves.” 

I nodded, helping Tuvok with supporting B’Elanna as we started making our way back.

“Pon Farr?” I asked as we walked. “How can that be? She’s not Vulcan.”  
But I knew it made sense, somehow, given her strange behavior. It wasn’t every day that she licked blood off my cheek.

B’Elanna’s body was heavy. She wasn’t really cooperating and seemed to keep gravitating towards me, despite Tuvok’s best efforts to carry the bulk of her frame. 

“Ensign Vorik is currently going through Pon Farr.” Tuvok started to explain. “I believe that he inadvertently initiated a similar process in Lieutenant Torres’ brain as he expressed his interest in mating with her.” 

I blinked a couple of times to process that information, shifting B’Elanna’s weight a little. “I’m only guessing, but I assume B’Elanna didn’t care much for his proposal.” 

Tuvok nodded once. “She indeed rejected him.” He confirmed. 

“How’s Vorik doing?” I grunted, straining under B’Elanna’s weight. 

“In the absence of a mate, the Doctor devised an alternative treatment.” Tuvok explained. “Most likely it can also be applied to Lieutenant Torres.”

Just then, we reached the base of the cliff and I realized we’d have to climb up for Voyager to be able to beam us out. 

“Wait here.” Tom spoke as Tuvok and I put B’Elanna down. 

She had her eyes closed and was moaning softly. I reached out and touched her cheek.  
“We’re getting you out of here.” I whispered to her, unsure whether or not she could hear me. 

I turned to Tom and Tuvok who were securing their gear, throwing a questioning look at them, wondering how they intended to go about this. 

“Tuvok and I will climb to the top and pull her up together.” Tom spoke as he double-checked the safeties. “Can you guide her ascent?” 

I nodded, taking the lines B’Elanna and I would need and proceeded to secure first her and then myself, making sure everything was attached as it was supposed to be.  
When I looked up I saw that Tuvok and Tom had already completed their ascent and had reached the top. 

“We’re ready up here, Captain.” Tom yelled down.

I proceeded to guide B’Elanna up the first two meters before I started climbing up next to her.  
It was a slow process, finding a stable hold myself first so I could prevent her almost limp body from bumping into the rock face. Eventually we reached the edge and I helped push B’Elanna over it before I crawled up as well. 

I unfastened my rope, watching Tom doing the same with B’Elanna’s. She seemed unresponsive. Frowning, I crouched next to her, touching her cheek as Tuvok scanned her again. 

Suddenly she leaned into my touch and opened her eyes, focusing on me.  
“You’re here.” She breathed.

“I’m here.” I repeated, looking up to Tuvok who shook his head. 

“We have to hurry.” He spoke tightly and I swallowed, catching the note of worry in his voice. What would happen if we didn’t get to Sickbay in time? 

Tom crouched next to me to help pick up B’Elanna, but she pushed him away, instead reaching for me. With the help of Tom I managed to get us both on our feet, but again she leaned heavily on me as we started the trek to get out of the caves. 

When we arrived at the transport site, I was panting hard from exertion. I put B’Elanna down so I could catch my breath.  
“Let’s get her to Sickbay.” 

We all crouched around B’Elanna to check up on her. She moaned softly and her eyes had a feverish gleam in them. 

Beside me, Tuvok slapped his combadge, but before he could say anything, I felt a hand on my shoulder and I was flung aside. I impacted the ground hard. Confused I looked up to find another Vulcan standing over me. This one appeared quite irate. 

“She is my mate, not yours!” Ensign Vorik yelled at me. 

I don’t know what surprised me more: his unexpected appearance, his words or B’Elanna’s sudden energy boost as she scrambled to her feet and yelled back at him.

“I am NOT your mate!” 

She moved swiftly to stand between me and him. The contrast with her catatonic-like state only minutes before was striking. Anger radiated off her and she seemed ready to punch him into the next millennium.  
“Get away from her!” 

But Vorik seemed equally aggressive, and very un-Vulcan like. He tried to push B’Elanna aside to get to me.  
“I’ve come to claim you, to fulfill our bond. And if necessary, to face my rival.” He bellowed and when B’Elanna wouldn’t budge he searched for Tuvok. “I declare Koon-ut-kal-if-fee!” 

“The ritual challenge.” Tuvok explained as he looked at me. “He intends to fight you to win his mate.” 

B’Elanna growled. “If anyone is going to smash your arrogant little face in, it’s going to be me. I will take your challenge up myself!” 

“B’Elanna!” I gasped as Vorik turned again to Tuvok, uncertain. 

The older Vulcan tilted his head. “She has the right to choose her own defender, even herself.” 

I looked incredulously at Tuvok. “You’re not suggesting we let them fight?” 

“Given Ensign Vorik’s state, it’s reasonable to assume that the Doctor’s treatment did not have the desired effect. Letting nature take its course seems like the most logical option.” He countered. “Both must resolve their Pon Farr before it kills them.” 

“They’ll tear each other to pieces.” Tom chimed in. 

“The risk of injury seems preferable to the certainty of dying from a chemical imbalance.” Tuvok argued and turned to me. “Captain, I see no alternative but to follow Vulcan tradition.”

I blinked a couple of times, watching B’Elanna who, despite swaying a little on her feet, seemed more combative than ever. It seemed this was better than the near-catatonic state she’d been in before.

“All right.” I nodded, stepping back to give them some room. I watched Tom and Tuvok do the same.

“Begin.”

Upon Tuvok’s signal, Vorik and B’Elanna started circling each other. B’Elanna successfully dodged a neck pinch and in turn threw a mean punch which Vorik managed to avoid. Both seemed to be out for blood, fighting in a very uncivilized and brutal way as Vorik clawed at her face and B’Elanna shamelessly kneed him in the groin. 

It was ugly to watch and I had to resist the urge to stop the fight more than once as they maimed each another. Yet I could think of no other solution than to let their primal interaction come to its natural conclusion. 

Eventually Vorik went down and stayed down. B’Elanna swayed on her feet and sank to the ground only moments later.  
I rushed to her side while Tuvok scanned both of them. 

“It seems like the blood fever has been purged.” He spoke as B’Elanna groaned in my arms. 

“We should still get them to Sickbay.” Tom added and helped Vorik to get up, as I did the same with B’Elanna.

Tuvok contacted the ship and we were transported directly to Sickbay where the Doctor and Kes were waiting for us. 

“From what I can tell, their vital signs seem to be returning to normal.” The EMH spoke after scanning both patients. “Ensign Vorik has almost completely recovered. Lieutenant Torres’s cans still show slightly elevated levels of norepinephrine and dopamine, but I’m confident they will stabilize in the coming hours.” 

I nodded once, relieved that it all seemed to be over. As Kes used the dermal regenerator to heal the cut on my cheek, I wondered how much B’Elanna would remember of this little adventure. 

~

“It was pretty gruesome to watch B’Elanna and Vorik trying to tear each other to pieces.” 

Chakotay poured me some more wine as I recounted my experience in the caves of earlier that day.

“Vorik ended up with a dislocated shoulder and the Doctor found out that B’Elanna fractured three ribs.” I shook my head. “It’s a small miracle neither of them were killed.” 

“But they’re both okay now?” Chakotay took a sip of wine. “I mean, the fight stopped their Pon Farr?” 

I shrugged as I helped myself to a second portion of his vegetable ratatouille.  
“The Doctor seems to think so. When we got to Sickbay, their brain chemistry was almost back to normal.” 

“Good.” Chakotay nodded.  
After a pause he chuckled, and I looked up with a frown. 

“What?” 

“Tom was right.” He grinned pointing at my plate. “Rock climbing does seem to work up an appetite.” 

I smiled. “You make an excellent ratatouille.” I tilted my head. “And thank you for volunteering to cook, even though it was actually my turn.” After the whole experience on the planet, struggling with my replicator had not been something I’d been looking forward to.

“My pleasure.” Chakotay grinned, watching me eat. 

It was little things like this that I enjoyed so much in our friendship. Chakotay was always attentive of my needs, trying to make my life just that tidbit less difficult. As my XO he’d quickly taken some of the more tedious paperwork out of my hands. He invited me to Sandrine’s from time to time and gave me the gossip so I could feel like a part of the crew and not always the Captain. On New Earth, he had made me a bath tub.  
And all he wanted in return was for me to accept his offerings. 

“You mentioned you actually found pockets of gallicite when you were down there with B’Elanna.” Chakotay continued after a moment. “Do you think we can get to it?” 

I shrugged. “Tom said we might. I asked him to take a look at the scans with B’Elanna and Vorik, as soon as they’re back on their feet.” 

Chakotay narrowed his eyes. “Are you sure it’s wise to put those three together again so soon?” He tilted his head. “There’s bound to be some residual tension there.”

I eyed him for a moment to consider his words and then nodded slowly. “You’re right. There will probably be some frustrations with everything that happened –or didn’t happen– today.”

It was not hard to imagine that Vorik, as a Vulcan, would prefer not to be reminded of his loss of control. B’Elanna would most likely be angry and embarrassed. And Tom would probably be sorry that he hadn’t been a part of any mating in the first place.  
The three of them together could make for an explosive cocktail.

“Each of them will have valuable input for the mission though.” I made a face, not happy with the choice in front of me.

“Maybe you could put Neelix with them.” Chakotay proposed. “I believe he spent some time working in a mining colony. His experience might be relevant too.” He grinned. “And if anyone can neutralize this kind of tension, it’s Neelix.” 

I smiled and leaned back in my seat. “Good idea. I’m sure together they can come up with a way to get the gallicite.” 

“You won’t be joining them?” Chakotay asked, picking up the bottle of wine to refill my glass.

I shook my head. “I’ve had enough for now, thank you, both of wine and rock climbing.” 

His eyebrows rose and he smiled. “So you won’t be trying Tom’s new holoprogram either then?” 

I leaned forward again. “I was thinking you and I could go sailing on lake George together instead.” 

The smile on Chakotay’s face broadened, causing the dimples in his cheeks to appear. “I’d like that very much.” 

I held his gaze for a moment, tentatively letting myself be engulfed by his smile. My heart quickened just a notch as I thought about the last time we’d gone sailing together. We’d had a great time. The waves, the sunlight, the wind in my hair… At one point I’d lost my balance on the boat and he had caught me. I could clearly remember his strong arms around me. He’d stayed close to me after I’d gotten back up, prepared to catch me again if needed. And I had to admit to myself that I hadn’t minded that at all. 

“Sickbay to Captain Janeway.” 

The Doctor’s voice intruded on my train of thought and I felt caught somehow, although I’d done nothing wrong.  
I looked down and tapped my combadge.  
“Janeway here.” 

“Captain, please report to Sickbay. It’s about Lieutenant Torres.” 

I saw my own frown mirrored in Chakotay’s face, and we both rose from our chairs as one.

“I’ll be right there.” 

~

When Chakotay and I entered Sickbay, I noticed B’Elanna lying on a biobed. The Doctor, Kes and Tuvok were standing next to her. Vorik was nowhere to be seen.

“What’s wrong?” I asked, as the Doctor and Tuvok moved towards us. Kes remained with B’Elanna’s sedated body, monitoring her brain functions.

The Doctor sighed. “I’m afraid that Lieutenant Torres’ neurochemical levels are off the charts again.” 

I frowned and looked from the Doctor to Tuvok. “I thought her Pon Farr was resolved by fighting Vorik?” 

“For Ensign Vorik, the ritual fight proved sufficient to restore his chemical balance.” Tuvok attempted to explain. “However, for Lieutenant Torres it did not.” He moved to the monitor to bring up another scan and continued. “I theorize that the fight did provide a partial resolution, as her previous scans indicate, but that her undisciplined mind was unable to sufficiently support the process.” 

“In any case,” the Doctor continued dryly, “her Pon Farr was not resolved and it’s severely affecting her neurochemical functions.” 

“Is there anything you can do?” Chakotay asked. 

“Medically speaking, no.” The EMH sighed. “As soon as I manage to stabilize one neurotransmitter, another one spikes.” He rolled his eyes in the general direction of Tuvok. “There is little documentation about this condition in the general database, and even less in the medical one. Given that everything I tried on Ensign Vorik was not successful, I’m even less optimistic about my chances of finding a solution for this condition in another species.” The Doctor paused to let his words sink in.

“However, we believe there may be another possibility.” Tuvok added after a moment and I turned to him in hope. “In essence, Pon Farr is a biological function that drives Vulcans to mate. Based on Lieutenant Torres’ behavior in the caves, it would seem that this is also the case for her.” 

“So she has to take a mate?” Chakotay queried, following his line of reasoning. He put his hands on his hips and sighed as he considered the options. “Can’t she mate with Vorik? I know he’s all right now, but maybe it will make this easier for him too?” 

“Once the Pon Farr is resolved, the need to mate is no longer present in a Vulcan.” Tuvok replied. “Besides, I do believe that Lieutenant Torres already rejected his proposal.” 

“What about Tom Paris?” Chakotay continued. “Everybody on this ship –except Tom and B’Elanna themselves maybe– knows that they’re crazy about each other.”

The Doctor shook his head. “Even if mister Paris were to consent to this, it would be no use. From what I’ve been able to gather, I believe Lieutenant Torres has already initiated a bond with someone.”

Chakotay frowned. “With whom?”

“With me…” I whispered in realization, holding my fingers against my cheek, where she had licked the blood off my face. “She tasted my blood.”  
I looked up at the Doctor for confirmation and swallowed as he nodded briefly.

Chakotay looked shocked, but I barely registered it.  
“So… she can only mate with the Captain?” 

“There may be little known about Vulcan mating practices, but there are copious amounts of information available on Klingon mating rituals.” The Doctor was unable to keep a smug grin off his face. “So far, from what I can tell, Lieutenant Torres has pretty much displayed standard behavior.” He sobered his expression somewhat as he turned to me.  
“I do believe that her best chance of resolving her Pon Farr is with the Captain.” 

“And if the Captain chooses not to do this?” Chakotay asked, obviously not keen on the idea.

The Doctor bowed his head. “Then I’m afraid that the chemical imbalance in Lieutenant Torres’ brain will become fatal over time.”

All eyes turned to me, but I remained silent, unable to answer their unspoken question. 

A million questions of my own occupied my mind.  
What would happen if I did this? Would it even work? And if I didn’t at least try, could I live with the consequences? Did B’Elanna even want to mate with me? Or had she bonded with me only because I happened to be the one trapped in the cave with her? What would it be like to mate with her? Would our bond be permanent? Would it affect our working relationship? Would it affect my friendship with Chakotay? Or hers with Tom? Would I do this for any member of my crew? 

I closed my eyes briefly as I weighed the options and all their consequences. But I quickly converged to one single thought: I couldn’t just let her die. If there was a chance I could save her, I had to try. 

Looking at B’Elanna’s immobile form on the biobed, I made my decision.  
“I’ll do it.”


	2. Chapter 2

I took a deep breath and entered B’Elanna’s quarters, still trying to wrap my mind around what was about to transpire. 

When I had exited Sickbay, Chakotay had come after me.   
“Are you sure you’re okay with this?” He had asked me, obviously concerned. I was pretty sure he wasn’t happy with the situation.   
I had simply shrugged. “It’s her only chance, Chakotay.” I’d placed my hand on his arm. “I’ll be fine.” 

But then as I entered B’Elanna’s quarters, I felt a flicker of hesitation in the pit of my stomach.   
Could I really do this? It wasn’t like I’d be donating a kidney or a piece of liver.   
That would’ve been easy.   
I was about to sleep with my Chief Engineer to save her life. That seemed infinitely more personal than giving her an organ.

I hadn’t slept with anyone since Mark, and that was almost three years ago.   
In all my life, I never had sex with anyone I had no romantic feelings for. I had never been involved with another species, let alone a Klingon. Hell, I’d never even kissed a woman.  
What if I couldn’t do this? 

“Captain.” Kes’ soft voice caught my attention. She finished adjusting B’Elanna’s cortical monitor and waved me over.  
“So the Doctor can monitor her neurochemical levels.” She gestured at the device.

I nodded and glanced at the bed where B’Elanna was lying, still sedated. 

As if reading my mind, Kes pressed a hypospray into my palm.   
“You can wake her up whenever you’re ready.”  
She held my gaze, her eyes holding a wisdom far greater than her years would suggest. 

I felt like she understood my unvoiced reservations. 

Before leaving the room, she squeezed my arm encouragingly.   
“Call me if there’s anything you need…” 

“Thank you Kes.” I smiled and watched her go, appreciating her support.

And then I was alone. It was up to me to help B’Elanna get through this.  
All I’d have to do was follow her lead.   
My gaze swung back to the bed and I took a deep breath, resolved to do what was necessary. 

Mechanically, I took off my jacket and shoes before I approached her.  
The mattress dipped when I crawled on the bed. I held the hypospray against her jugular vein and hesitated, conscious that one push on the button would set everything in motion.

The hiss of the hypospray almost angrily broke the silence that surrounded us.  
For a couple of seconds nothing happened. Then B’Elanna groaned in discomfort and moved onto her side, away from me, curling into a ball. 

I reached out to stroke her hair. “Sshh, it’s all right.” I whispered in a comforting tone. 

I thought she wasn’t really conscious of my presence, but to my surprise she turned to me with unfocused eyes. “You’re here.” 

“I’m here.” I nodded, touching her cheek. A ghost of a smile played around her mouth for a second before it was gone.  
“Whatever you need, I’m here.” I murmured.

B’Elanna turned her head, leaning into my touch, her face nuzzling in my hand. 

She let out a deep sigh and I inwardly relaxed, growing a little more confident. It seemed that I was already bringing her some comfort. 

Suddenly she sat up and with a low growl, she grabbed my wrist and grazed her teeth over it. I noticed that her unfocused eyes carried the same gleam I’d seen before in the underground caves. Just like that time, her behavior had now changed in a manner of seconds from an almost apathetic state to a fierce and determined intensity.

And just like it did then, it caught me by surprise.  
With a swiftness I didn’t see coming, she moved behind me and grabbed my shoulders. She leaned in and I felt her teeth nipping at my skin, going from the nape of my neck up to the spot behind my ear. 

I swallowed as my heart suddenly hammered in my chest, fighting down a sliver of fear that snaked along my spine and ignoring the seeds of pleasure that nestled in my stomach, all stemming from her mouth that was hot against my neck.  
It all seemed to be going a little too fast for my liking, so I tried to move away a little to put some distance between us. But instead of removing her hands from my shoulders, she encircled my waist and growled softly as she pulled me closer to her. 

“B’Elanna…” I breathed, hoping to catch her attention that way. 

If she heard me, she chose to completely ignore me. Her teeth kept grazing incessantly over my skin, making it hard for me to think clearly. 

I hissed as she bit my earlobe and I reached back to push her away when she kept nipping my skin in various places. Getting hold of a handful of hair, I tugged at it in an effort to stop her.

She growled. And bit me again.

So I pulled hair again, harder this time, to get her off me. 

When I felt her arms let go of me, I turned towards her to see if she was okay.   
That’s when she pushed me down and pounced on top of me with a feral grin, grabbing my wrists and pinning them over my head to the mattress. 

I gasped and slightly panicked. I thought she might bite me again, but she hovered over me, watching me with intent. It almost seemed like she was waiting for something. 

“What’s wrong?” I panted, wondering if I was supposed to say or do something. 

With a growl she pushed my hands harder onto the mattress. The pressure was uncomfortable, so I frowned and pushed back. 

And to my surprise, my struggling caused the feral grin to reappear on B’Elanna’s face. With a jolt I realized what she was waiting for. She needed me to fight back to make it interesting.  
I remembered from one of my xenoanthropology classes that Klingons wanted to prove their worth to one another during foreplay. 

I flexed my muscles and lightly pushed back, feeling her respond with more pressure and a soft growl. But she clearly wasn’t using all her strength to hold me down. Using my legs, I managed to roll us over fairly easy, grinning back at her when I pinned her arms to the mattress in turn. 

“Enjoying yourself?” I smirked, as my competitive side was getting into the game.

The answer was clear in her eyes and she held my gaze intently. She moved her hands as if to gauge my strength, but I managed to hold her down as she struggled. 

Smugly, I leaned down, teasingly whispering in her ear. “I win…” 

Of course she took advantage of that moment to roll me over again.   
I groaned as my back hit the mattress, but immediately tried to use our momentum to regain the upper hand… and ended up sending us both flying onto the floor as we reached the end of the bed. Any thought of foreplay –Klingon or otherwise– completely vanished from my mind as we impacted with the solid tritanium plating.

B’Elanna had landed on her back with a thud and as she’d held on to me during her fall, I found myself sprawled on top of her.   
We both lay dazed for a moment before I started pushing myself up on all fours. 

“Are you okay?” I panted, all the while looking at her trying to ascertain if she was hurt, angry or a combination of both. 

“B’Elanna?”   
I frowned when she didn’t respond and started getting up, half thinking about notifying Sickbay that she’d been seriously injured. 

But before I could move off her, I felt her hands on the bare skin of my waist where my shirt had ridden up.   
Her touch caught me off-guard and I paused. It had been years since anyone had touched me that intimately. 

Her hands were warm and soft and her grip was strong but delicate at the same time. She moved her thumbs, rubbing small circles on my stomach. The touch seemed to electrify me.  
And when she sat up in one fluent move, holding me in place so I was straddling her lap, I could do nothing but let her. 

The look B’Elanna gave me was intense and hungry. I was completely oblivious of anything but her hands on my body. She gradually inched them higher underneath my shirt and I found myself shamelessly wishing she’d hurry up. I wanted her to touch me. Everywhere.

That thought shocked me. Somewhere in the back of my mind I was baffled at my sudden lust for her, especially since I had never thought of her that way. The fact that I was doing all this to help her, hoping it might stabilize her neurochemical imbalance, suddenly held no meaning whatsoever.   
Nor did Voyager, or Mark, or even Chakotay. 

She had struck a match and set my body on fire. And that fire wasn’t going to stop until it had run its course, leaving me as nothing but a pile of ashes.   
This kind of intensity seemed very unlike me. It vaguely made me wonder if I was also affected by some kind of imbalance. Was I going through the Pon Farr as well? 

When B’Elanna’s fingers reached my bra, I whimpered, pushing my breasts forward against her hands. My shirt hindered her movements so I took it off without giving it a moment’s thought. 

She licked her lips when I reached behind my back to undo the clasp of my bra, impatiently tugging at the front to remove it.  
The warmth of her hands on my bare breasts, seconds later followed by her tongue, made me moan loudly. 

I wanted more, I wanted to see her, to feel her too.   
Her Sickbay gown proved easy to remove with one yank. It seemed that this feature of the garment, originally intended to get rapid access to the body during medical emergencies, was also very useful during sex. 

I palmed her full breasts, tipped with dark nipples, and she growled, pulling me closer. It was an interesting sensation, feeling her breasts against my own.   
Then I raked my fingernails over her bare back, enjoying how she again growled in response. 

When she looked up at me, I surprised myself by kissing her. She reciprocated voraciously, quenching every last bit of hesitation I might have felt. I was ready and willing. After years of neglect, all my nerve endings felt like they were on fire. I doubt even a shipwide red alert could have stopped me. 

I was surprised at how easy it was for me to touch her and to be touched by her. I had feared it might have felt wrong, that I wouldn’t be able to do it. But in that moment, no such reservations even occurred to me. Yes, she was a member of my crew and no, I didn’t have feelings for her. But I couldn’t care less. 

All I cared about was how good her body felt against mine, how her fingers inside me relieved a need I had carried with me for such a long time. The intensity as well as the number of orgasms I experienced, was unusual for me. I felt insatiable, focusing solely on the physical sensations I was giving and receiving. 

Perhaps it was just that, this focus on the primal energy of this act, detached from any emotional connection, that made it so different from anything I had experienced before.   
And yet the look I shared with B’Elanna as we neared that moment where our bodies could endure no more, was intimate and delicate. I remember it clearly to this day. 

Our entangled moans reverberated off the walls, and then there was only silence. In that silence, I felt my heart beating wildly in my chest as I tried to regain control of my breathing. I felt myself coming off my high, slowly sliding back into reality.  
And I realized that B’Elanna, who was draped on top of me, was not moving. 

“B’Elanna?” I gently nudged her arm.

She didn’t react. 

Alarmed, I strained to sit up and lay her down next to me, checking for her pulse. I easily found it, beating rapidly. The movement of her chest showed that she was still breathing too. She appeared to be unconscious. Only slightly reassured, my eyes fell on the cortical monitor attached to her neck.   
Without hesitating, I got up in search for my jacket, pressing my combadge that was still pinned to it. 

“Janeway to Sickbay.” I continued as soon as the channel opened, not bothering to wait for a formal reply. “Doctor, B’Elanna’s unconscious. Are you still monitoring her?” 

“Yes.” Came the Doctor’s reply. “From what I can tell her neurochemical readings have mostly stabilized.” 

I let out a small breath, but I wasn’t convinced yet. “Then why isn’t she awake?” I countered.

“It’s not uncommon for the brain to go into a state of hibernation in order to heal after a traumatic experience like this.” He explained. “Still, I will transport her to Sickbay to take more detailed scans.” He paused for a second and scraped his throat. “I assume you’re… finished?” 

I rolled my eyes, but my gaze fell on B’Elanna’s body. In an impulse I grabbed the Sickbay gown to cover her modesty.   
“You can transport her now.” I replied. “And I’ll be on my way. Janeway out.”

Mere seconds later, I heard the telltale sound of the transporter and I was alone in the room. Quickly, I located my clothes and got dressed.  
But on my way out of her quarters, I caught sight of myself in a mirror. I noticed my flushed cheeks and my tousled hair.   
And I knew that something was now forever different.

~

Mere minutes later I entered Sickbay. B’Elanna was on the biobed, obviously still unconscious, while the Doctor and Kes were discussing the results of the scans that they had performed. 

“How is she?” I rushed over to them, hoping that the more in-depth scans would confirm the readings from the cortical monitor. 

The smugness in the Doctor’s smile gave me confidence.   
“Lieutenant Torres’ neurochemical levels have stabilized.” He replied. “I would surmise that your… assistance… proved successful.”

I exhaled and nodded, not realizing how worried I had been until I felt the flow of relief surge through me.   
“When will she wake up?” 

As if on cue, the console at B’Elanna’s biobed beeped. 

“She should wake up any minute now.” Kes beamed at me. 

I nodded and turned to B’Elanna, noticing how someone –Kes, most likely– had taken the time to dress her properly again in the medical gown. 

As I stood next to her, she began to stir lightly, a telltale sign that she was indeed regaining consciousness. A couple of seconds later, her eyelids fluttered a little and then opened. 

B’Elanna looked around, unfocused at first. Then she noticed the Doctor scanning her and frowned. “What ha-”  
Her eyes widened when they fell on me and it was clear that she at least remembered part of what had transpired.

“Sshh, it’s okay.” I spoke soothingly. “You’re okay.” 

“You have been suffering from a neurochemical imbalance.” The Doctor chimed in, seemingly unaware of how B’Elanna’s shocked eyes were still firmly trained on me. “Fortunately, thanks to the Captain’s help, your brain chemistry is almost back to normal.”

At the mentioning of me, B’Elanna blinked a couple of times and then finally turned to the Doctor. 

“I’d like to keep you here for the rest of the night for observation.” The EMH continued.

B’Elanna nodded, uncharacteristically meek. “Sure. Thank you, Doctor.”

“I’m not the one you should be thanking, Lieutenant.” He replied matter-of-factly and I resisted the urge to roll my eyes at his directness as I saw B’Elanna’s face redden. 

Thankfully, Kes took him by the arm to lead him away as B’Elanna turned to me.

“Captain…” She stammered, clearly embarrassed. “I… I’m so sorry.” 

I held up my hand. “No need to apologize, B’Elanna.” I smiled, wanting to reassure her. “I’m just glad you’re okay.”

She looked down, apparently suddenly fascinated by the fabric of her medical gown. “Still, you didn’t have to…” She trailed off. 

“Don’t worry about it, all right?” I spoke firmly, gently touching her arm. I winced when I felt her flinch at the contact. It was clear she was embarrassed and that she’d need some time to come to terms with everything. 

I exhaled and tilted my head. “You should get some rest.” I spoke softly. “We can talk about this later.”

When I left Sickbay, I wondered how long it would be before she would be able to look me in the eye again. Her embarrassment was understandable, but I sincerely hoped it would pass. Yes, we’d had sex, but it had been out of necessity, nothing more. It was just one of the many things that had happened in our lives. A footnote in our otherwise far from uneventful stories. And I hoped she’d realize soon that it didn’t have to be a big deal.

~

The next morning, I was nursing a cup of coffee on the couch in my Ready Room while reading the monthly rations update. I stifled a yawn, both because it wasn’t the most captivating read but also because I was tired. 

Surprisingly though, I had slept very well. It seemed that the utterly relaxed post-coital state of my body had allowed me to attain a deep state of sleep. So deep in fact that when my alarm sounded in the morning, it took me a couple of minutes before I managed to pry my eyes open, wondering what was happening. It took me even longer to realize the sound meant that I had to get up. When I moved, my bones felt like lead and my body seemed unwilling to detach itself from my warm and comfortable bed. 

Although I was usually one for getting out of bed swiftly without stalling, I had found myself glancing longingly to the soft sheets and fluffy pillows, wondering if there was any way I could get back to them. Eventually, my sense of duty had won –if only barely– and I had gotten dressed. 

Even the strongest blend of coffee from the replicator hadn’t managed to chase away the remnants of sleep from my brain. 

At the sound of the door chime, I looked up from my PADD, thankful for any kind of distraction. 

“Come in.” I answered and the yawn that I couldn’t suppress turned into a smile as I saw Chakotay enter. 

I put my hand in front of my mouth. “Sorry.” I apologized, waving him over. “My alarm woke me from such a deep sleep. It feels like I still haven’t woken up properly.” I gestured at the pot on my table. “Coffee?” 

Chakotay nodded and sat down next to me as I poured him a cup and added a touch of milk and two sugars, the way I knew he liked it. 

When I handed it to him, I noticed his demeanor was off. He seemed hesitant, uncomfortable and trying very hard to hide it.   
“How is B’Elanna?” He asked, hiding his face behind his cup as he took a sip of coffee.

The casual way he was asking the question confirmed my suspicion that the whole situation with B’Elanna was the cause of his discomfort. He’d been less than enthusiastic about the Doctor’s solution of me mating with her. Keeping in mind that he and I had become increasingly closer over the past months, it wasn’t hard to deduce why he felt this way. A part of me was a little flattered that he couldn’t help but feel a bit jealous. 

“She seemed to be okay.” I answered. “The Doctor-”

As if on cue, my combadge beeped.  
“Sickbay to Captain Janeway.”

I tilted my head, hoping the Doctor wasn’t going to tell me the opposite. “Go ahead.” 

“Captain, you’ll be pleased to hear that I’ve just cleared Lieutenant Torres for duty.” The Doctor informed me. 

I smiled in relief. “That’s good to hear, Doctor. Janeway out.” I replied, glad that B’Elanna’s condition indeed seemed stable. 

I turned to Chakotay. “There you have it. She’s fine.” 

He nodded once into his cup of coffee. Then he turned to me, looking me in the eyes. “And you?” 

His concern for me was obvious and it touched me deeply. “Oh, Chakotay.” I gave him a reassuring smile. “I’m fine.”   
I held his gaze for a moment. “Are you?” 

He let out a sigh. “I know I don’t have any right to feel this way, but this bothers me.” 

I reached out and put my hand on his knee, lightly squeezing it to acknowledge what I couldn’t say in words. That I understood. That he did have a right to feel this way. That he shouldn’t be jealous because it had meant nothing. 

“Will you book a slot on the Holodeck for us to go sailing?” I spoke.  
It was as close to admitting my feelings as I could get and I knew he would understand. 

Chakotay smiled at me, flashing his dimples, and nodded. “I’ll take a look at it, right after the briefing.” He stood, hinting that it was time to leave.

“Not tonight though.” I followed him out of the Ready Room, fighting to suppress another yawn. “I think I’ll need to turn in early.” 

Together, we entered the Briefing Room, finding most of the senior staff already there.

As I reached my seat at the head of the table, B’Elanna was the last to enter. She was obviously trying to avoid eye contact with anyone, quietly slipping into her chair.

“There you are.” Tom turned to her. “I stopped by your quarters this morning but you weren’t there. I thought the Doctor was going to keep you in Sickbay forever.” He paused and frowned at her quietness. “Everything okay?” 

“Yeah, I’m fine.” She mumbled. But Tom didn’t seem convinced. 

“All right, people.” I started the meeting, trying to save B’Elanna from having to explain more. It dawned on me that apart from me, B’Elanna, Tuvok, Chakotay, Kes and the Doctor, no one knew exactly what had happened the night before and I was inclined to keep it that way. Surely, B’Elanna would agree.

I looked around the table, noticing how only B’Elanna didn’t make eye contact with me.  
“The gallicite.” I continued. “We know it’s there. We need to find a way to get to it safely.” 

“The tunnel we previously used collapsed completely.” Tom spoke. “I’ve been working with Vorik to see if there’s another way to reach the deposits.” 

“Good.” I nodded. “Neelix, I’d like you to help them. Your experience might come in handy here.” 

The Talaxian nodded eagerly. “Of course, Captain.” 

“That leaves the seismic activity. We don’t want to get caught in a collapse again.” I turned to my OPS officer. “Harry, you’ve been scanning the surface. Do you think we could recalibrate the ship’s sensors to pick up seismic activity from orbit?” 

Harry thought for a moment. “Maybe, if we had extra sensors on the ground.” 

“All right.” I nodded. “B’Elanna, work with him. I would feel better if we had an early warning system for our next attempt to mine the gallicite.” 

I acknowledged her nod and looked around the table. “Anything else?”   
When no one reacted, I continued. “I’d like to get a status update at 16h00. Dismissed.” 

“B’Elanna.” I called as everyone got up to get to work. “A word?” 

She stopped in her tracks and her shoulders sagged slightly before she turned around and approached me.

I waited until the room was empty. “How are you feeling?” 

She didn’t look up at me, fumbling with her PADD instead. “I’m fine Captain.” 

“That’s good to hear.” I replied, clearly noticing her discomfort. I paused, looking at her for a moment, giving her the chance to talk if she wanted to. 

“I uh… I should go. Harry is waiting for me.” She uttered, clearly hoping I would dismiss her. 

It bothered me a little that she still seemed spooked so I tried to put her at ease.  
“B’Elanna.” I spoke softly, throwing her a gentle smile. “There’s no need to feel embarrassed. I won’t regard you in any other way because of what happened last night.” 

B’Elanna swallowed and nodded tersely. “Thank you Captain.” She forced herself to briefly glance up at me. “Can I go now?”   
Her knuckles were all white from clenching her PADD. 

I sighed. I’d tried, but she clearly needed more time.   
“Of course.” 

The swiftness by which she exited the room underlined her eagerness to get away from me.

When I went down to Engineering later that day to get the status update, she was nowhere to be seen. Harry said she was running a simulation on the Holodeck and proceeded to fill me in without waiting for her.

I was pretty sure B’Elanna was avoiding me on purpose but I decided to let it slide. It probably didn’t help her to get over her embarrassment if I showed up all the time, reminding her of what had happened between us.   
Given the circumstances, I was prepared to give her some leeway. 

Although it turned out that would not be entirely possible.

~

“You look well rested.” Chakotay smiled at me as I sat down in my command chair on the Bridge the next morning, a couple of minutes after 09h00. 

“I slept around the clock.” I grinned, a little embarrassed at being late. My early night in had worked wonders and I felt completely revitalized. 

I looked around the Bridge. “What did I miss?” 

“The away team will be transporting down to the planet.” Chakotay filled me in. “First, B’Elanna and Vorik will deploy the extra seismic sensors on the planet, then, together with Tom and Neelix, they’ll go down to the caves again to see if they can mine the gallicite via another route.”

I nodded. “Hopefully they’ll have better luck this time.”   
Turning in my seat, I spoke to Harry. “Ensign, let me know when the seismic sensor is operational.” 

“The away team has not yet beamed down.” Harry replied. 

I frowned. “What’s the holdup?”

Before Harry could answer, the Doctor’s voice sounded over the comm.   
“Captain Janeway, please report to Sickbay. It concerns Lieutenant Torres.” 

“On my way.” I answered, getting up as I turned to Harry. “I guess that has something to do with the delay.” My gaze shifted to Chakotay, ignoring his unspoken question to join me. “Commander, you have the Bridge.” 

Two minutes later, I entered Sickbay, finding B’Elanna motionless on a biobed while the Doctor was scanning her. 

Tom Paris was there as well wringing his hands nervously. “She just collapsed on the transporter pad.” He explained as I approached them. 

I nodded and turned to the Doctor. “What’s wrong with her?” 

The Doctor shook his head. “I’m not sure yet, but I asked you here in case she would need your help again.” 

I ignored Tom’s questioning look and swallowed. “Do you think this is related to her Pon Farr?” 

The Doctor frowned at his readings. “I’m not sure…” He spoke. “Her brain chemistry is definitely affected but her readings look more like she’s in severe withdrawal rather than going through Pon Farr.”   
He brought up a previous scan to compare. “Look, here, her dopamine levels are dangerously low this time instead of too high. In combination with a decrease in her norepinephrine levels and other symptoms, I’d say this looks like she’s going cold turkey over something.”

The console beeped and the Doctor’s frown deepened even more. “Hmm that’s odd. Now her readings are stabilizing.” 

“Isn’t that good news?” I asked, confused by his body language.

“It is,” he started, “but I don’t know why it’s happening. I haven’t started any kind of treatment.” He tapped the console. “Computer, display the neurochemical readings of Lieutenant Torres from the moment she was beamed to Sickbay.” He studied the screen for a second. “There, she was beamed in at 09h08 and her dopamine and norepinephrine levels were extremely low. Yet from 09h12 onwards both values begin to increase significantly.” 

I tilted my head as something occurred to me.   
“Computer, at what time did I enter Sickbay?” 

“Captain Janeway entered Sickbay at 09h12.” 

The Doctor looked at me in wonder.   
“You.” His voice held a note of surprise at first, but then he quickly nodded, theorizing to explain this new piece of information.   
“Of course. When you mated with her, the neurochemical imbalance caused by the Pon Farr was stabilized, but that new equilibrium was forged in your presence.” 

From the corner of my eyes I saw Tom’s jaw drop, and I briefly closed my eyes, remembering he had not been privy to that particular bit of information.   
I bit my lip and ignored him, trying to focus on the Doctor’s words.

The EMH was unaware of Tom’s reaction and grinned triumphantly as he realized that his theory about B’Elanna’s condition actually made sense.   
“Because of this, Lieutenant Torres’ brain needs your presence to maintain its neurochemical equilibrium. If she is separated from you for too long, she goes into withdrawal. When was the last time you saw her?” 

“Yesterday.” I blinked rapidly, trying to remember. “Yesterday during the morning briefing to be exact.” 

“Hmm, that’s almost twenty-four hours.” The Doctor spoke, extrapolating the data on the chart. “That would coincide with the decline in her neurotransmitter levels.” 

I held up my hand. “Wait a minute, hold up. When I entered Sickbay, I didn’t even touch B’Elanna. If what you say is true, how could I be responsible for her recovery?” 

“Klingon senses are very well developed, Captain.” The Doctor explained. “Especially the olfactory sense. Lieutenant Torres is probably picking up certain pheromones you are excreting.” 

“Pheromones?” I echoed, my eyebrows rising. 

Just then, B’Elanna groaned and opened her eyes. She closed them again briefly when she realized she was in Sickbay again.   
“What happened?” 

“That’s what I’d like to know.” Tom mumbled beside her, still looking a bit shocked. 

While the Doctor proceeded to explain his findings to B’Elanna, I felt Tom’s gaze linger on me. He seemed rather disturbed.

I sighed as I rubbed my face with my hand. I had only slept with B’Elanna because I wanted to save her life. But as it turned out, my actions had opened not one but many cans of worms. Next to B’Elanna’s embarrassment and Chakotay’s jealousy, it seemed that I would now also have to deal with Tom’s resentment towards me.

And if the Doctor’s theory about these pheromones held up, things were bound to become much more complicated. 

“So you’re saying I can’t be more than two feet away from her for the rest of my life?” B’Elanna yelled exasperated, seemingly back to her old self. She seemed so devastated by the thought that I felt my stomach clench for a second. Was I really so horrible to be around?

“All I’m saying is that you seem to have formed some kind of physical dependence on the Captain’s proximity.” The Doctor tried to shush her. “Until I find out exactly what it is, I do propose that the Captain remains in the vicinity. Although at present I have no indication that a distance of two feet or less is warranted.” He quirked his eyebrow.

B’Elanna scowled at him but wordlessly complied when the Doctor urged her to lie down again. 

“I want to run some additional tests to find out more about this condition.” The Doctor spoke and then turned to me. “Captain, that applies to you as well. Please move to one of the other biobeds.” 

I nodded and motioned to Tom to follow me.   
“Lieutenant, I propose you go ahead with the away mission without B’Elanna. I’m sure ensign Vorik can handle the seismic sensor alone.”

Tom nodded. “Yes Ma’am.” He turned his head to look at B’Elanna and then back at me. His mouth opened and closed again, as if he was unsure how to phrase the questions that were undoubtedly on his mind.

I sighed, realizing that I owed him an explanation. 

“After B’Elanna’s fight with Vorik, we thought that her Pon Farr was resolved.” I started to explain the events that had led us here. “But over the next hours, her condition deteriorated quickly and the Doctor informed us that it was becoming life threatening.”   
I paused briefly to underline the seriousness of the situation.   
“Since the Doctor was at a loss for medical solutions, we didn’t see any alternative other than to follow the natural course of Pon Farr.” 

“To mate.” Tom mumbled. 

“Exactly.” I nodded. “She’d already started to form a bond with me when we were trapped in the caves, so I was deemed to be the best option.” 

Tom looked doubtful, but I knew he had noticed the way she had clung to me when we’d been making our way back to the surface. I assumed he was wondering why me and not him. I’d asked myself the same question, but it seemed beside the point. 

“I did it to save her life.” I emphasized. “And it worked.” Then I shrugged. “Well, except for this unexpected side effect, it seems.” 

Tom pondered my words for a moment. Then he nodded. “Thanks for telling me.”   
He started to walk away.

“Tom.” I called him and tilted my head. “Only a handful of people know about this. I trust it will stay that way.” 

“Of course.” He replied.

As Tom exited Sickbay, I hopped on a biobed. The Doctor came over and performed several scans before attaching a small monitor behind my ear. 

“There.” He spoke happily. “My scans seem to indicate that this could indeed be a case of pheromone dependence.” 

He walked back to the biobed on which B’Elanna was sitting and I followed him. 

“I will research the possibility of synthesizing the Captain’s pheromones and administering these to you, Lieutenant. It might take some time, but I’m sure it can be done.” He smiled confidently. “In the meantime, I’ll be monitoring your neurochemical levels,” he turned from B’Elanna to me, “and your pheromone excretions Captain, as well as your physical locations, in order to learn more about dosages and exposure patterns.” 

I touched the monitor behind my ear and noticed a similar one on behind B’Elanna’s ear. 

The Doctor spread his arms and gently pushed us toward each other. “I suggest you spend as much time together as possible to ensure that Lieutenant Torres doesn’t go back into withdrawal.” He tilted his head. “Ideally Captain, it would help if you were somehow in an aroused state as that would increase your pheromone excretion.” He noticed me glaring at him and toned down his smugness. “But I’m sure that working in the same room, having lunch together or playing the occasional game of Velocity on the Holodeck should suffice.”

I exhaled and nodded. “I’m sure we can manage that.” I spoke more confidently than I felt. 

“How long will this be necessary?” B’Elanna asked, clearly less enthusiastic about it all.

“The sooner you leave, the sooner I can get to work on a solution.” The Doctor smiled. “Although I do expect you back here at the first sign of something out of the ordinary.” He added.

“Understood Doctor.” I nodded and looked at B’Elanna.   
“I propose we go to the Bridge to check on the away team’s progress?” 

With a subdued nod, B’Elanna fell into step with me.   
We walked through the corridor in silence and waited for the turbolift. 

Once inside, I turned to look at her.   
“I guess we better put our schedules together.” I smiled softly, trying to lighten the mood.

B’Elanna breathed in deeply. “I’m sorry about this Captain. I’ll try to stay out of your hair as much as I can.” She spoke tersely, clearly fighting her own frustration without much luck.

I turned to her. “This is not your fault, B’Elanna.” 

She closed her eyes and sighed heavily.   
It was obvious she was struggling with the situation.

“Hey…” I spoke softly. “You’ll be all right.”   
The softness of my voice made her look up at me and I smiled. “We can do this.” I added encouragingly. 

Just then, the turbolift stopped and the moment was gone as we both entered the Bridge. 

“Status?” I asked as B’Elanna went over to check with Harry.

“The away team is on the planet. They’ve deployed the sensor and are waiting for Harry’s final seismic scan to begin the expedition.” Chakotay spoke, frowning when he noticed the monitor behind my ear. I could see he was curious about what had transpired in Sickbay.

I nodded in thanks and glanced at B’Elanna. She was busy assisting Harry with the scan and seemed pretty much okay. I figured she’d be fine without me for a brief moment, so I turned to Chakotay.  
“Commander, join me in my Ready Room for a minute.” 

“Is B’Elanna all right?” He asked as soon as the doors closed behind him.

I exhaled deeply, sat down on my couch and motioned for him to sit with me, before I started telling him about what had happened with B’Elanna, explained the Doctor’s theory on the pheromones and briefed him on the current situation. 

He listened attentively, but when I stopped talking, he grinned.

“What?” I asked, not seeing what was funny. 

“I didn’t know you were that good.” He chuckled.

I blinked, not understanding what he was getting at. “What do you mean?”

He bit his lip. “Well, you sleep with someone once and they’re instantly addicted to you.” 

I looked at him in surprise, then rolled my eyes and swatted his arm in faked annoyance. “Idiot.” I mumbled, but I smiled nonetheless, grateful about the fact that he always knew exactly how to cheer me up, even when he was not comfortable with the situation himself. 

I sighed. “Well, I should probably get back to the Bridge, make sure B’Elanna doesn’t go into withdrawal again.” 

Chakotay looked at me with a mixture of honest pity and wicked glee. “So how long will this be necessary?” 

“Until the Doctor finds a solution.” I exhaled and rubbed my face. “Or until she kills me out of frustration. Whichever comes first.” 

“You could ask Tuvok for a security detail.” He grinned.

Chuckling, I shook my head. “I’m not going to add more people to the mix.” 

“It just occurred to me.” Chakotay continued as we got up. “I reserved a slot on the Holodeck this weekend for us to go sailing. But I’m not sure all three of us will fit in the boat…” 

“Don’t worry Commander.” I assured him just before we reentered the Bridge. “It’ll be just you and me for that one.”


	3. Chapter 3

The mining of the gallicite had gone smoothly and our Cargo Bays were filled with the raw ore.   
B’Elanna was needed in the Science Lab to analyze the purity of the material so I followed her there, despite her insistence that she was feeling much better already and that she would be fine on her own. 

Since there was little else for me to do in the Science Lab, I assisted her with the analyses. Working together on a scientific matter seemed to be lessening her discomfort toward me somewhat. So when I told her I had to leave because I had a meeting with Tuvok there was even a hint of a smile in her sarcastic reply that she’d survive for an hour without me. 

After my meeting with Tuvok, I went to the Mess Hall for lunch, thinking B’Elanna would show up there to eat as well. I craned my neck every time the door to the Mess Hall opened only to see other people entering. If she would arrive, I didn’t expect her to sit with me. But I wanted her to know that I was close, as she required.

Only, she didn’t arrive. And when I finished my meal and asked the computer about her whereabouts, I was informed that she was still in the Science Lab. 

“I’m back.” I announced as I returned to the lab.

B’Elanna barely looked up. “There are traces of zirconolite in this gallicite.” She replied. “That could make it more difficult to refine.” 

“Have you eaten?” I asked, ignoring her statement about the zirconolite. 

“Maybe if I increase the magnetic flux density in the first separation coils.” She mumbled, rubbing her neck, oblivious to my question. 

“You need to eat.” I tried again, noticing she was looking rather pale. There was a light sheen of sweat on her brow, like I’d seen on her that morning in Sickbay. 

“Are you feeling all right?” I asked, worriedly placing my hand on her forehead. I had only been away for a little over two hours. Was she showing symptoms of withdrawal already? 

Her dark eyes settled on me and I saw a flash of anger in them as I’d brought her out of her concentration. “I’m fine.” She grumbled. “You don’t need to mother me.” 

And with that, the bit of rapport we’d built earlier by working together on the same problem seemed gone again. 

Without waiting for me, she abruptly left the Science Lab.

I blinked a couple of times before following her outside. I struggled to catch up with her, but she seemed intent on leaving me behind. 

“Where are you going?” 

“Engineering.” B’Elanna replied curtly, stopping as she waited for the turbolift. “I need to design and build a suitable reactor for refining this gallicite.” 

I couldn’t argue with that and I didn’t feel like mothering her either, so I sighed and entered the turbolift as it arrived.   
“Lead the way.” 

I accompanied her to Engineering, intending to work with her on the reactor project as well, but with my lack of knowledge in either reactor building or ore refinery, I turned out to be more of a hindrance than a help. 

It frustrated both of us, and eventually ended with me taking up position at a remote workstation, doing my own work, while B’Elanna enlisted Harry’s help to work on the reactor. 

I did smile when she announced that she was heading for the Mess Hall to get a bowl of soup and asked if I needed anything. 

We ended the working day in more or less of a détente, with me telling her to call me if she needed me and her reluctantly answering ‘Yes Captain’ before we both went our separate ways.   
I assumed B’Elanna would spend time with Tom and Harry that evening, but it occurred to me that I didn’t really know what she usually did after hours. 

On my way to my quarters, I ran into Chakotay and had to politely refuse his offer of sharing a meal. After one day –and probably more to come– spent in close contact with someone else, I wanted nothing more than to spend my evening alone, curled up on my sofa with a good book.   
Naturally, Chakotay understood. 

It was a little after 03h00, and I guessed I’d been asleep for an hour or two, when the Doctor called, requesting my presence in Sickbay. 

It was becoming a familiar occurrence for me to enter Sickbay and seeing B’Elanna on a biobed.   
This time however, she was awake and dressed in her pajamas. And she didn’t seem too happy.

“I’m feeling fine, you motherless petaQ!” She growled at the Doctor who was doing his best to ignore her insults. 

“And I’m saying that your dopamine and norepinephrine levels are dangerously low, Lieutenant.” He countered and turned to me. “But luckily your next fix has arrived.” 

Tying the sash around the robe I had hastily thrown on over my nightgown, I approached them both.   
“How bad is it?” 

“See for yourself.” The Doctor brought up the scans of B’Elanna’s neurotransmitter levels. It was clear that some of them were a lot lower than they should be. 

“Fine huh?” I turned to B’Elanna and tilted my head, searching her face.   
“You should have called me.” I spoke softly.

She lowered her head. 

“The good news is that her levels seem to be increasing again now that you’re here.” The Doctor continued and turned to B’Elanna. “You should be good as new again soon, Lieutenant.” 

“How long will that take?” I asked, stifling a yawn. 

“That depends.” The Doctor answered. “From tracking your biochemistry and your location during the day, I would say that the kind of fleeting and irregular contact you had today is not very effective.” He explained. “The increase of dopamine seems to occur much faster during prolonged periods of contact rather than multiple short run-ins.” 

Only half paying attention, I rubbed my face and yawned.   
“So what are you suggesting, Doctor?” 

“Medically speaking, the best course of action would be for you to start sleeping together.” He stated.

Suddenly alert, I turned to look at the Doctor with raised eyebrows and from the corners of my eyes saw my expression mirrored on B’Elanna’s face.   
“What?” 

“I meant ‘sleeping together’ in the unconscious, resting variety.” The Doctor deadpanned. “Although if you would care for a repeat performance of two nights ago, I certainly wouldn’t be against it. From a medical point of view.” He added. 

I rolled my eyes at him. “Do you really think it would help? Sleeping in each other’s vicinity I mean?” 

“Certainly.” The Doctor nodded and pointed at the empty biobeds. “You’re welcome to stay the night.” 

I eyed him dubiously, knowing how uncomfortable those beds were to sleep on.   
“Is it absolutely necessary we stay in Sickbay for this?” 

The Doctor shrugged. “You can sleep wherever you want as long as you both wear your monitors.” 

“Good.” I replied and looked at B’Elanna who, I noticed, had become very quiet during the entire exchange. “Let’s go.” 

“Go where?” She asked.

“My quarters. My bed is bigger than yours.” I stated, eager to get back to sleep. 

She seemed ready to protest, but I was too tired to argue. Grabbing her by the wrist, I all but dragged her with me out of Sickbay. 

In the turbolift I asked the computer what time it was.   
“We should still be able to get a couple of hours of sleep.” I spoke. “I have the early shift. You too I presume?” 

B’Elanna only nodded, seeming unsure what to say or do. 

When we reached my quarters, I lead her inside and headed immediately to the bed. I took off my robe and pointed to the other side of the bed. “Get in.” 

“Are you sure?” She asked hesitantly. “I mean, I can sleep on the couch.” 

“Close contact is probably more efficient.” I shrugged before I slid under the covers. “Plus your back will thank me for it.”

She seemed to consider that for a moment and then slid under the covers as well, her whole body tense, lying on her back, ramrod straight, her arms pressed firmly against her sides. 

I snuggled deeper under the covers, feeling the warmth that was still lingering there from earlier.   
“Goodnight.” I yawned and closed my eyes. 

“Goodnight.” She whispered back.

I wondered if she would be able to relax like this, but before I had finished the thought, I fell asleep and I never noticed how it took her the better part of the night to do the same. 

~

In the morning I woke up at the sound of my alarm and shut it off.   
For a second I was surprised to feel movement beside me but I quickly remembered the events of last night that had led to B’Elanna sleeping next to me.   
Given all that happened to her in the last couple of days, I figured she could use every minute, so I moved cautiously, trying not to wake her, as I slid out of bed.

Instead of getting ready, I put on my robe, replicated a cup of scalding hot coffee and moved to my desk. I wanted to check B’Elanna’s neurotransmitter levels in order to see if the Doctor’s suggestion of sleeping together had had the desired effect.   
It only took me a moment to get the data on my screen and it was easy to see that indeed her neurotransmitter levels showed a steady increase throughout the night. 

“It works.” I mumbled softly. 

“What works?” 

I looked up to find B’Elanna sitting up in bed, rubbing her eyes as she looked at me. 

“Sleeping together.” I smiled, turning the display towards her. “Look.” 

She pushed the covers aside and got up, yawning as she approached me. 

“Your levels are definitely out of the danger zone, even after spending only a couple of hours together.” I continued, studying the data on the screen. “A whole night should be more than enough to get you through an entire day.” I turned to her. “We’ll know for sure after tonight.” 

B’Elanna scratched her neck, hesitant at my proposal to spend another night together. “Are you sure? I don’t want to bother you.”

I tilted my head. “You think spending the whole day together is somehow less bothersome than spending the night together?” I quipped, thinking back to the many moments of annoyance we both experienced while trying to do our work in each other’s vicinity the day before.

She made a face as she got my point and grinned. “We’re probably more likely to survive this by sleeping together than by spending our days together.” 

“Exactly.” I smirked. “So that’s settled. You’re sleeping here until the Doctor finds a cure.” 

She sobered, looking doubtful again. “Right.” 

“Kim to Torres.” Harry’s voice suddenly sounded and B’Elanna blinked at the interruption.

“Torres here.” 

“I had a midnight inspiration on how to separate the traces of zirconolite from the gallicite.” Harry’s excitement was clearly audible over the comm. “Meet me in the Mess Hall for breakfast?” 

“Uh… sure.” B’Elanna stammered. “I’ll be there in five.” 

I folded my arms and grinned. “Guess you better get dressed.” 

“Yeah.” She started to turn and then paused. “Thanks for… your help.”

I nodded once. “See you tonight.” 

~

“Shouldn’t you be in Engineering, close to B’Elanna?” 

There was a slight undertone in Chakotay’s question, something a little off in what could otherwise be considered a perfectly normal question.   
Reaching the door of the Airponics Bay, I turned to my second in command and shook my head.   
“No, she’s fine.” 

A frown appeared on Chakotay’s face. “Did the Doctor come up with a solution already?” He asked, following me inside, into the closest thing we had to a garden on Voyager. 

“Not yet.” I clarified. “But we found another way.”

I looked around the room, noticing Kes and Neelix weren’t there yet, and stopped to inhale the scent of a purple flower. Its delicate fragrance brought a smile to my face and I wondered briefly if the molecules it was spreading worked similar to pheromones. 

“B’Elanna will be spending the night in my quarters until the Doctor can synthesize my pheromones.” I continued to explain to Chakotay. “That way she can get her dose during the night and we can work separately during the day.” 

Chakotay nodded, watching me with his arms crossed from the side of the room. “So you have a roommate.” 

“Something like that.” I mumbled, unsure what to make of the strained quality that his voice had taken.   
“Oh will you look at those tomatoes!” I reached out to carefully touch the plump red fruits that were growing in one of Kes’ setups. I turned around to smile at Chakotay. “I never managed to get them this big in my garden on New Earth.” 

Chakotay’s face softened as I mentioned New Earth and his innate friendly demeanor returned as he took a few steps forward to look at the tomatoes. “I guess you didn’t talk to them enough.”

I swatted his chest lightly, thinking back to the way he’d always teased me for talking to my plants.

“They look wonderful, don’t they?” Kes’ gentle voice interrupted us. 

I turned and beamed at her, not hiding the feelings of pride and an almost maternal affection I felt for her.   
“You’ve done a great job here.” I motioned to the many thriving plants in the room. “It’s really a delight to walk into the Mess Hall and see the beautiful flower arrangements you make for the tables.” I turned to Neelix. “And I have the impression that your meals containing ‘home grown’ ingredients are always extra popular.” 

Neelix beamed with pride. “As a matter of fact they are. And that’s why we both wanted to meet with you here.” He paused to smile at Kes. “We would like to expand the Airponics Bay so that Voyager could produce even more of its own food.” 

Kes nodded enthusiastically. “I’d like to add a hydroculture setup as well as try my hand at a real soil garden.”

“And we could even try to keep bees.” Neelix added.

“Bees?” Chakotay inquired questioningly. “Do you have experience as a beekeeper?” 

“Well, eh, no.” Neelix admitted. “But I’m sure I can learn.” 

I placed my hand on Chakotay’s arm to interrupt the conversation. “I think it’s a great idea to expand our garden to increase our own produce. What would you need?” 

“I have some ideas ready, Captain.” Kes’ voice clearly showed her enthusiasm. “We could expand into a part of Cargo Bay Three. I was hoping B’Elanna or Harry could help me with the additional requirements of the environmental control systems.” 

I nodded. “They’re both still busy with setting up the refinery of the gallicite right now, but once that’s running, I’m sure they’d be happy to help.” I looked at them both. “Anything else?” 

“I’ll foresee some extra personnel from maintenance to help with the expansion.” Chakotay added. “And when everything is set up, I’m sure some of the crew would be happy to help with maintaining the garden.” 

“That would be great.” Kes smiled. 

“I’ll ask around for volunteers.” Chakotay spoke and then grinned. “Who knows, maybe I can find someone with a hidden talent for beekeeping.” 

I touched his arm again. “All right, in any case, I’d like to volunteer to help out a little in the future.” I stepped closer to Kes. “But you’ll have to tell me how you managed to grow such lovely tomatoes.” 

I stayed in Airponics for the rest of the afternoon as Kes talked to me about her garden and further explained her plans for expanding it. She insisted I should taste one of the tomatoes and of course, it was delicious.

Much later that evening, I was making notes on some of the provisory schematics Kes and Neelix had drawn up, when my doorchime sounded.   
Frowning, I looked up. “Come in.” 

When the door opened and B’Elanna nervously entered, I suddenly remembered she would be spending the night in my quarters and looked at the chronometer to check the time. 

“I didn’t know what time you went to bed.” She spoke hesitantly. 

“Later than I probably should.” I answered dryly.

A fleeting a smile appeared around her lips but it was gone in an instant. Then she held up a bag. “I brought some things, if that’s all right.” She seemed a little uncomfortable. “I guess it would be strange if people saw me going in and out of here in my pajamas all the time.”

I wondered if she had considered that people would most likely gossip about her frequenting my quarters at strange hours regardless of her outfit.  
“Of course, it’s no problem.” I smiled and gestured at the couch when she didn’t seem inclined to move further into my quarters. “Please, have a seat, make yourself at home.” 

She sighed as she sank down on the couch. 

“Are you all right?” I asked. “You look tired.” 

B’Elanna muttered something about a long day as I grabbed my portable console and requested the readout of her neurotransmitter levels. It was pretty obvious that they were quite low, undoubtedly causing her to feel awful. 

“You should have come here sooner.” I spoke softly, indicating the screen. 

She shrugged. “I didn’t want to bother you.”

“How’s the setting up of the refinery going?” I asked, trying to steer the conversation into a safer direction. It was obvious that B’Elanna was uncomfortable with turn her condition had taken, so I figured that talking about her work would make her feel more secure. 

“It’s going all right.” She spoke, visibly relaxing. “Harry’s idea for separating the zirconolite from the gallicite worked. In another two days the reactor should be fully operational, maybe even sooner.” 

“Good.” I nodded and waved around the PADD I was holding. “I spoke to Kes and Neelix today. They would like to extend the Airponics Bay into Cargo Bay Three. When you have time, I’d like you to take a look at adapting the environmental system.”

Frowning slightly, she held out her hand to request my PADD. I was certain she was already envisioning the possibilities in her mind. “What do they need exactly?” 

With a grin I got out of my armchair and sat down next to her to show her the schematics. Because of my experience with my own little garden on New Earth, I was very interested in Kes’ plans. I couldn’t wait to help out in the soil garden as often as possible, really wanting to relive the experience of watching seeds sprout and grow. 

“Kes wants to add some hydroculture setups and an actual soil garden.” I started, my excitement obvious in my voice. “But I imagine we could even go further and set up a small biosphere of some sort.” I continued to show B’Elanna my own ideas on how to achieve that. “Do you think we could do something like that on Voyager?” 

I looked up to find her staring at me.   
“Well?” I urged. “Do you think that’s possible?” 

She blinked a couple of times. “I… eh…” she stammered, “I’ll have to look into that.” Then she abruptly got up. 

“Are you all right?” I frowned, wondering if there was something wrong with her. 

“I’m just tired.” She bent down to pick up her satchel from the floor. “Do you mind if I go to bed already?” 

“Not at all.” I replied, slightly surprised when she immediately headed for the bedroom. “I’ll be there shortly.” I added with a frown and at the same time reached out for my portable monitor to check her neurochemical readings again. Everything seemed to be as expected, with values either stabilizing or already increasing slightly since her arrival at my quarters.   
I shrugged, figuring she probably did really need some sleep. 

For a couple of minutes I finished writing down some of the ideas I had been thinking about when B’Elanna had showed up while I heard her shuffling about in my quarters.   
First I noticed the sound of her sonic toothbrush in the bathroom and then I heard the rustling of the sheets in my bedroom. When the lack of sound indicated she had settled, I also got up to get ready for bed. 

B’Elanna was lying on her side, facing away from me, and I couldn’t make out if she was already sleeping or not. After changing into my nightgown I quietly slipped under the sheets next to her.   
“Goodnight.” I whispered quietly, but the lack of response told me she was probably asleep already.  
I closed my eyes, and within minutes, I was sleeping as well.

~

“Good morning.” 

B’Elanna mumbled something that sounded similar and buried her face in her pillow. 

My alarm had woken us both and the lights were gradually intensifying to simulate dawn. I sat up with a yawn, pushing the sheets off my body. Then I swung my legs over the side of the bed. Beside me, B’Elanna also sat up, rubbing her face. 

“Sleep well?” I asked, stifling another yawn. 

She blinked a couple of times and seemed to tense a little as she awoke fully.   
“Yes.” She mumbled in response, slightly turning away from me.   
“You?” She added without making eye contact. 

“Fine.” I answered.  
There was an awkward silence for a moment in which neither of us really knew what to say or do. 

“Do you need to use the bathroom first or can I…?” I spoke after a minute. 

“Oh no, go ahead.” She answered immediately. “I’ll wait.” 

I got out of bed and headed for the bathroom. “I won’t be long.” 

“Take your time.” 

As I got dressed and brushed my teeth, I wondered if B’Elanna would relax eventually or if it would be this awkward every morning.   
I half expected her to have bolted out of my quarters, but when I exited the bathroom she was still there, checking her neurochemical levels on the wall display. 

“Everything okay?” I asked as I joined her to inspect the readings.

“Looks like I’m fully charged and ready to go.” She stated dryly. 

I chuckled slightly. “Maybe you should get dressed first.” 

As B’Elanna did so, I headed to the replicator to obtain a cup of my own addiction. “Coffee, black.” 

Inhaling its sweet aroma, I returned to the screen, looking in more detail at the data. Indeed, B’Elanna’s neurotransmitter levels had increased gradually during the night, most of them reaching the desired levels already in the early hours of the morning.   
“It really works.” I mumbled to myself, bringing the cup to my lips. But as I took a sip, I quickly spluttered the almost cold liquid back into the cup.   
“Damn it!” 

“What’s wrong?” B’Elanna popped her head around the corner just as I angrily recycled the cup and its cold content. 

“This replicator hates me.” I grumbled. “Half of the time it serves me cold coffee. Either that or it’s scorching.” 

B’Elanna shrugged. “Probably a malfunctioning power regulator. I can take a look at it now if you want.” 

I sighed, noting the time. “No, that’s fine. We’re both going to be late if we don’t hurry up. I’ll just get coffee in my Ready Room.” 

B’Elanna stepped out of the bathroom and put on her jacket. “Neelix serves coffee at breakfast as well you know.” 

“Wrong.” I huffed. “Neelix serves a coffee substitute at breakfast.” Then an idea struck me. “Oh, maybe we can have a coffee plant in Kes’ new garden.” 

“Don’t these take a couple of years until they produce beans?” B’Elanna frowned as she put on her shoes. 

I mock glared at her. “No coffee, no pheromones. What if that’s the way it works?” I scowled.

For the first time that morning, B’Elanna looked straight at me as she grinned. “I’ll make it my top priority.” 

“Good.” I grinned back. 

As we headed for the door, I stopped. “Oh, I almost forgot. I’m having dinner at Chakotay’s tonight. I should be back at a decent hour, but feel free to come here and turn in early if you’re tired.”

I noticed how B’Elanna stiffened as we stepped into the corridor. 

“Have a nice day, Captain.” She spoke politely.

I blinked for a moment at her sudden politeness and noticed Harry and Tom making their way over to us. 

“I was just looking for you guys.” She greeted them, quickly leading them away from me. “Did you have breakfast yet?” 

I looked at their receding backs, wondering for a moment what the rest of the ship would make of this situation. So far, only a handful people knew what was going on. B’Elanna didn’t seem inclined to make the details of her condition public, and I couldn’t blame her. But our sleepovers were bound to attract attention, and the rumor mill would soon be working overtime.

~

It turned out I only had to wait until the evening to learn what story the grapevine had already produced. 

“Apparently your preference for using Klingon pain sticks in the bedroom is really taking its toll on B’Elanna.” 

I spluttered and turned towards Chakotay who was pouring us both a drink. “What?” 

He grinned. “That’s the word on Deck Thirteen at least.” 

I rolled my eyes. “I always underestimate this crew’s creativity when it comes to gossip.” 

Chakotay handed me a glass of something that smelled very strong. “The grapevine is working overtime on this one.” 

“Let them talk.” I shook my head and swirled my drink around in my glass, watching it stick to the side. “This seems like strong stuff. Where did you get it?”

“Neelix told me it’s a type of brandy sweetened with honey.” Chakotay spoke, checking the writings on the bottle. “Perfect for after dinner.” 

I took a sip and felt it burning its way down my throat and all the way down my esophagus. I coughed and made a face. “Ugh, this is way too sweet.” I suddenly remembered Neelix’ fondness for sweet drinks. “He made this himself, didn’t he?”

“I guess so.” Chakotay’s eyes widened. “Do you think that’s why he wants to keep bees? Because he needs more honey to make these concoctions?” 

I pursed my lips as I put my glass down. “Well, that settles it. No bees.” 

“No bees.” Chakotay grinned. 

I leaned back against the couch, slouching a bit to get comfortable. “I think I’ll nudge him in the direction of growing coffee plants instead.” 

Chakotay rolled his eyes good-naturedly. “Speaking of coffee, would you prefer some over… whatever this is supposed to be?” He indicated my still-full glass.

I glanced at the chronometer, knowing that drinking a cup of coffee now would not allow me to sleep in the coming two hours. “No, thanks, it’s getting late.” I sat up straight. “I should probably get going anyway. I told B’Elanna I’d be back at a decent hour.”

Chakotay looked down and nodded briefly. “Okay.” 

I could clearly sense his disappointment with my answer. I reached out and touched his knee. “Are we still on for sailing tomorrow?” 

His expression immediately changed back into a smile. “I’ll pick you up at the end of my shift.” 

“Great.” I smiled, getting up from my comfortable spot on his couch. “Well, thanks for dinner.” 

I walked the short distance from his quarters to mine, ready to quietly slip inside in order not to wake B’Elanna who was probably already sleeping.   
But I needn’t have bothered as I found her sitting on the floor with a bunch of parts and equipment seemingly haphazardly strewn around her and a hole in the wall where my replicator used to be. 

“The problem turned out to be a little more complex than just a broken flow regulator.” B’Elanna grinned sheepishly. 

“I can see that.” I deadpanned, but at the same time I felt heart warmed that she had remembered it was malfunctioning. 

“I’ll just need a couple of minutes to put everything back together.” She assured me. “And then it’ll be good as new.” 

“A couple of minutes?” I chuckled, surveying the many parts still lying around on the floor. “Well, I suppose you have until morning before I need my next dose of caffeine.”

I heard her snicker as I made my way to the bathroom where I took a shower and changed into my nightgown. For the first time since this started, it seemed that B’Elanna felt somewhat at ease with me. And as a result I also felt less tense around her. It made for a nice change I thought. 

When I emerged, B’Elanna was still sitting on the floor, brow furrowed in concentration as she aligned an optronic relay. The clutter of parts that had been around her had now taken the shape of a replicator again more or less.  
“Seems like you’re making progress.”

“Almost done.” B’Elanna mumbled as she inserted the relay back in its position.

I grinned, feeling comfortable enough to tease her. “I knew there was a reason I kept you around.” 

“So you’ll kick me out once I’ve fixed all your malfunctioning stuff?” 

I looked at her over my shoulder, on my way to the bedroom. “As far as I know, all my other ‘stuff’ is functioning normally.” 

B’Elanna shrugged casually. “Not that I’m trying to extend my welcome, but your sonic shower is a little loud.” She took the reassembled replicator and placed back in the hole in the wall. “And I noticed the music box on your nightstand where you keep your pips doesn’t work anymore either.” 

I blinked rapidly as she finished getting the replicator back online.  
“Do you think you can make it work again?”

“It is working.” She frowned. “Computer, coffee, black.”   
The cup materialized and she picked it up, bringing it to her face to gauge the temperature without drinking it. She held the cup out to me. “See? Not cold, not scorching. Perfect.” 

I shook my head. “I was talking about the music box.” I continued softly. “Do you think you can fix it?” 

“Uh sure, I can try.” B’Elanna shrugged as she recycled the cup of coffee again as obviously neither of us was going to drink it. 

“I’d like that.” I nodded slowly, a wistful smile appearing on my face. “It was a gift from my father.” 

B’Elanna looked at me and tilted her head as she realized that the music box held a great emotional significance for me. “I’ll fix it.” She spoke softly. 

As I got to bed, I gently touched the music box on the night stand. It had been broken for many years, but I still remembered the tune it used to play. My father had given it to me to carry my rank insignia the day I joined Starfleet Academy. It was a small antique wooden jewelry box, and if wound up, it would play a little melody when the lid was opened. I had listened to it many times and each time I heard the tune I would be reminded of the pride in my father’s eyes when he’d given me the box, the day before I left for the Academy.   
A couple of years after his death, the mechanism of the music box had broken. And although I’d managed to dismantle the delicate box to reveal the mechanical part that was hidden inside, I didn’t know how to fix it, nor did I know anyone else who might. But I was certain B’Elanna could do it. 

My Chief Engineer exited the bathroom in her pajamas and, with a yawn, crawled into bed next to me.  
“Good night Captain.” 

“Goodnight B’Elanna.” I spoke softly, thinking that at least our current predicament had led me to appreciate her in more way than one.

~

I turned to the wind and closed my eyes, feeling dozens of tiny droplets impacting my skin. Taking a deep breath, I let it go again and smiled. The sun on my face, the wind in my hair, the rocking motion of the boat on the waves,… It all attributed to my growing sense of contentment. 

Chakotay and I were sailing on the Holodeck and we’d more or less reached the middle of Lake George when I felt the wind pick up a notch, making the boat tip a little to the side. 

“Do you need a hand?” I yelled at Chakotay as I made my way to the back of the boat where he was handling both sails expertly. 

He was a pretty good sailor and I was sure he could in fact handle it, but he nonetheless indicated the line to the foresail. “Could you ease the jib sheet just a bit?” 

I nodded, loosening the rope and feeling the sail tug at it. Easing it a little bit, I turned my head. “Like this?” 

“Perfect.” He nodded and I proceeded to secure the rope again between the clamps.   
Chakotay smiled and patted the spot next to him. “Now all you have to do is sit down, relax and watch this beautiful sunset.” 

“Aye Captain.” I mock saluted and sank down beside him. 

“We should go sailing more often.” Chakotay grinned. “I kind of like ordering you around.” 

I chuckled. “Well, don’t get used to that.”  
Leaning back against the railing, I sighed contentedly. “But you’re right, we should do this more often though. It’s beautiful out here.” 

I watched him as he nodded, obviously also enjoying himself while still keeping a watchful eye on the boat and on his surroundings, ready to act just in case. 

It suddenly struck me how safe I felt with him. Even here, on the holodeck with the safeties on, he was still on the lookout, ready to protect me from harm. It seemed like it was second nature to him, to watch over me. On New Earth he’d been doing the same, joining me when I trekked through the more dense parts of the woods, bringing me soup when I was working so hard to find a cure that I forgot to eat, making me a bath tub because he knew it was the only way I could truly relax. 

His vigilance over me had been subtle, but unwavering. Strangely, it had never bothered me. It had never felt controlling or restrictive. On the contrary, it had always made me feel cared for and safe, just like it did now. 

“What?” Chakotay inquired and I realized I’d been staring at him as my mind wandered. 

“Nothing.” I smiled and I scooted a little closer to him. 

As if it was the most natural thing in the world, Chakotay lifted his arm to accommodate me. I could feel the warmth of his body pressed against mine.   
I rarely indulged in this type of intimate physical contact. Although I was a tactile person, I usually only allowed myself small, fleeting touches, keeping a certain amount of distance. But right there and then, it felt natural to sit with him like that.

We enjoyed the next moments in silence, watching the setting sun paint the sky in rich hues of orange and red turning into violets and purples.

I felt the movement of Chakotay’s chest as he exhaled deeply. “Beautiful, isn’t it?” 

“Mmhmm.” I hummed. My head was resting against his shoulder and I angled it upward as he looked down at me.   
It wasn’t a conscious decision to kiss him. It just happened. It was simply a chaste, brief peck on the lips, but it was a kiss nonetheless. A kiss that redefined the boundaries that still existed between us.

When I pulled back, I expected to see surprise in Chakotay’s eyes, but instead he smiled at me knowingly, like he was in on a secret. 

I ducked my head and leaned back against his broad chest, delighted to feel his strong arm pulling me a little closer to him. It reminded me of the last time we’d gone sailing and he’d caught me after I’d stumbled. Just like it had then, it felt like nothing in the world could hurt me as long as he held me close.

We sat like that until the sun had completely set and the stars appeared in the night sky, just enjoying the closeness between us. There was a promise of more, hanging in the air between us, but there was no hunger or rush. We both knew how we felt about each other. The intimacy of sitting together so closely, our hearts beating as one as we moved along with the waves seemed purer than any other act between us ever could. And that was exactly what I craved, this slow and deep and loving connection with someone who meant so much to me. 

In this relaxed and easy atmosphere, Chakotay and I sailed back to the pier, with his arm wrapped around me almost the whole time.  
He respectfully stopped touching me as we exited the Holodeck, but given the late hour, he walked a tad closer than he normally would. And I didn’t mind at all.

We stopped in the corridor in front of his quarters.

“Do you want to come inside?” 

We both knew what he was really asking. Just as we both knew what my answer would be. Somehow that step still felt like we would cross a line that was impossible to cross at the moment. Maybe some day…  
But that evening, there would be nothing more than one stolen kiss. 

“It’s late.” 

He lowered his head gracefully and smiled, knowing just as well as I did that this was the only way this night could have ended. 

I bit my lip and tilted my head. “Goodnight Chakotay.” 

“Goodnight Kathryn.” He grinned and watched me walk down the hall to my own quarters. 

As I entered my dark quarters I remembered just in time not to activate the lights so I wouldn’t wake B’Elanna who was probably there, sleeping.   
And almost simultaneously as I stumbled over what I presumed to be one of her shoes, my mind tripped in a similar fashion over the memory of the night she and I had spent together not long ago. 

In the middle of my own dark living room, I suddenly stood stock still as a thought entered my mind. The line of physical intimacy that I thought so impossible to cross with Chakotay, who was my friend and my subordinate, I had so effortlessly crossed with B’Elanna, who was in fact also my friend and subordinate. Why was that? 

Granted, I had only slept with her because of the circumstances. Yet the moment she had put her hands on my bare skin, all I could think about was how much I wanted to be touched by her, all consequences be damned.   
But when Chakotay had put his arms around me on the other hand, I had been content with that touch, safe in the knowledge that it would stop there. Why was that? What was it that was keeping me from moving things further with him? 

I mulled over those questions, but the more I thought about it, the less I could make sense of it.   
Eventually, I decided that it was too late for these kinds of soul searching questions and that I would be better off trying to make sense of it in the morning. 

I tiptoed into the bedroom, careful not to wake B’Elanna. But she must have heard me come in anyway.

“Computer, lights.” Her voice sounded quite alert.

“Sorry.” I made a face at the half-Klingon who was lying in my bed. “I didn’t mean to wake you.”   
The memory of me, desperate for her touch that night, came back to me, unbidden. I swallowed, trying not to think of the softness of her skin on mine.

“I wasn’t asleep.” B’Elanna replied, watching me from under the covers. 

There was a certain edge to her voice and I blinked a couple of times, unable to determine if she was annoyed or amused by the situation. 

“Did you have a good time with Chakotay?” There it was again, a certain undertone to her question I couldn’t quite place. 

“I did.” I nodded, noncommittally. “Thanks.”   
I didn’t wait for her reaction, and turned around to the bathroom to change.  
When I came back out, the lights were off, and the short walk to my bed somehow felt like walking a minefield in more ways than one.

I quietly slid under the covers, not sure if B’Elanna was already asleep, wondering if this strange nightly atmosphere would be gone by morning.


	4. Chapter 4

It turned out morning brought a whole different kind of tension. 

I woke up with a jolt, a gasp escaping my lips and my heart beating wildly in my throat. Blinking a couple of times, I realized I had been dreaming. It only took me a second to figure out that the aroused state of my body meant that my brain had taken my ponderings of the evening before further into the night and had woven an erotic dream from the different threads. 

It was dark, the only light coming from the stars outside. My eyes briefly shot over to B’Elanna, wondering if I’d made any sound that could have woken her up and reveal the nature of my dream to her. But thankfully she seemed still sound asleep, none the wiser.   
My cheeks reddened as I remembered some incoherent flashes of my dream and I took a few calming breaths, hoping to fall into a more peaceful sleep. 

Yet before I could even attempt to close my eyes, the alarm sounded and I felt B’Elanna stir next to me, mumbling something to the computer. I froze, feeling inexplicably exposed as my body still buzzed with arousal. 

Beside me, B’Elanna yawned and sat up.   
Dreading the moment she would order the lights on and would see the blush on my cheeks, I squeezed my eyes shut. And then I frowned as she quietly slid out of bed instead and in the dim light of the stars made her way to the bathroom. 

Maybe she was trying to avoid me or maybe she was graciously letting me sleep in since I had the morning off, but whatever the reason, I just thanked whatever deities were out there.

When B’Elanna quietly emerged from the bathroom, I snuggled deeper under the covers again, closed my eyes and pretended to be asleep. A few seconds later I could hear her tiptoe into the living room and rummaging around to find her shoes. 

When I heard the door close, I put my hand over my eyes and exhaled. And flashes of my dream came back, intensifying the buzz in my body. Fingers brushing my skin, a tongue trailing along my flesh… By its own volition, my hand cupped my breast and I moaned.   
I was aroused, I was alone and my hands knew just what to do. Stimulated by vague yet suggestive images of my dream, it didn’t take long before I felt all my muscles go taut in a buildup of tension before that tension was released accompanied by a series of guttural moans. 

I lay naked and spread-eagled on my bed, humming as I exhaled, coming down from my high. But after a couple of minutes, my desire to stay in bed in that exact position for the rest of the morning was replaced by the upcoming -and in my case not uncommon- yearning for a cup of coffee. 

So I got out of bed, slipped into my robe, which I left open, and headed for the replicator in the living room, thinking that after I’d had my coffee, I would take a nice, long, warm bath. 

I was scrolling through the replicator listing, in search of the particularly rich blend of coffee that I craved, when I suddenly heard the door to my quarters open.   
Hastily attempting to cover up, I fumbled at my robe and turned around with a frown. 

B’Elanna Torres entered my quarters and stopped dead in her tracks when she saw me.   
“I- Sorry. I… thought you’d still be asleep.” She stuttered. Her eyes flew over my body and then she whipped her head to the side as if stung, suddenly finding the wall very fascinating. 

I blinked, momentarily unable to move as I became aware of a couple of things.   
I was naked underneath my robe and not entirely sure that my hasty repositioning of said fabric effectively covered up my modesty. My hair was messy, my cheeks felt red and I could pick up my own scent rather easily.   
I felt like a deer caught in headlights. 

“I… I forgot a PADD.” B’Elanna stammered apologetically by way of explaining her presence. She skittishly made her way to the couch at the other end of the room, in search for the device. 

Her back was turned to me and I took the opportunity to properly close my robe and run a hand through my hair, in an effort to smoothen it.  
“Which PADD?” I asked, surprised at the normalcy of my voice.

B’Elanna risked a glance over her shoulder. “The one I worked on yesterday, holding the schematics for the expansion of the Airponics Bay.”   
She moved a few cushions, but didn’t find anything and let out a low growl in frustration.

My gaze shifted to the PADD lying on the table next to me, and I slowly reached out to check what I already knew to be the case.   
“I think this is the one you’re looking for.” 

I held up the PADD and she turned around and we both realized that she would have to approach me to get it.   
I was acutely aware that, if by now she hadn’t already figured out what I had been doing a couple of minutes ago, her heightened Klingon sense of smell would very quickly fill in the missing piece if she got any closer to me. 

“Great.” B’Elanna nodded once, tersely, visibly uncomfortable as she approached me. 

I didn’t know out of the two of us, who felt the most embarrassed. Me for being seen in a private state like this or her for having disturbed my privacy in the first place.

B’Elanna took the PADD I was still holding.  
“Thank you, Captain.” She briefly scanned the content to confirm it was what she needed and started to turn around. “Again, sorry to dist-”   
Her nostrils flared and she stopped mid-sentence, swaying on her feet. She reached out for the chair to support her. 

“B’Elanna?” I spoke in alarm, trying to catch her arm to support her. “Are you all right?” 

“I’m fine.” She shrugged and took a few steps back. “Just a little lightheaded.”   
Her pupils seemed dilated.

I frowned and took a few steps closer to her. “Maybe you should sit down for a moment.” 

Trailing back, she bit her lip. “I’ll probably be fine by the time I get to Engineering.” 

“You don’t know that.” I pressed, still worried. Her pupils were still a lot bigger than normal. And her breathing was shallow. “Come on, we should go to Sickbay.” 

She shook her head. “I think it’s just… too many of your pheromones in the air…”

“My phero-” I started, but stopped abruptly as the realization hit. Given my recent activity, I was probably not only reeking of sex, but also excreting pheromones like crazy.   
“Right.” I mumbled mortified, feeling my cheeks redden again. The knowledge that she knew exactly what I had been doing only increased my embarrassment. “Sorry about that.”

B’Elanna shrugged self-consciously. “My fault for barging in in the first place, I suppose.” She held up the PADD. “I’d better get going.” 

I could only nod and watch her go.   
And when the doors closed behind her, I hung my head and groaned. 

My thoughts went back to the source of my dreams, to my ponderings of the previous evening, to my confusion and the incongruence of my feelings, thoughts and actions. But I could honestly say that with morning, clarity had definitely not come. 

I sighed deeply, and then went to take a sonic shower instead of a hot bath before covering my treacherous body underneath the different layers of my uniform.   
Even though my shift only started in a couple of hours, I left my quarters and headed for my Ready Room. It was probably best if I focused on work.

I’d just finished a quick lunch in my Ready Room when my door chime sounded. I looked up to find Chakotay entering. 

He smiled and I smiled back, remembering the comforting closeness of sailing trip of the evening before.  
“Hey sailor.” I greeted him cheekily.

He chuckled. “Somehow that sounds a little tacky.” 

I grimaced as I got up from my chair. “You’re right.” I lightly patted his arm as I passed him to get to the replicator. “Do you want some coffee?” 

“No thanks.” He politely declined, following me to the couch.

I poured myself a cup of coffee from the larger pot I’d replicated. “What brings you here?” 

“Crewman Wilkes.” Chakotay sighed. 

“Again?” I rolled my eyes. “What happened this time?” 

Chakotay shook his head. “He just can’t get used to doing things the Starfleet way.” 

I took a sip of coffee. “What department is he in now, Sensor Analysis?” 

“I transferred him to Maintenance two weeks ago.” Chakotay scoffed. “Since then, he managed to destroy two gelpacks, disable the gravity plating on Deck 7, accidentally decouple the magnetic constrictors of the warp core, jam a waste reclamation unit and cause a small explosion in the Science Lab.” He sighed again. “The kid’s got his heart in the right place, but his penchant for following his own rules is doing more harm than good.” He grinned. “B’Elanna has threatened to throw him out an airlock if he ever comes near her engines again.” 

I chuckled. “I get the point. Do you have any suggestions?” 

Chakotay tilted his head, the way he usually did when he was pretty sure I would disagree with him. “With your permission, I’d like to put him on the Airponics Bay expansion project.” 

I looked at him over the rim of my coffee cup. “With B’Elanna? Are you trying to get him killed?” I scoffed.   
Then I chuckled. “Although that would solve the problem I suppose.” 

“I think it would be just the kind of thing he needs.” Chakotay continued, countering my skepticism. “I know the guy. He grew up in a rural area and joined the Maquis because his family got driven from their home by Cardassians and he thought he wanted revenge.” He shook his head. “He was never a fighter. He would’ve been happier settling down somewhere out of the way, living the outdoor life like his father had before their farm was destroyed.” Chakotay looked up at me again, his eyes clearly showing his sensitive and caring nature. “That’s why I think working to expand our produce capabilities could give him a sense of belonging that he probably doesn’t have right now.” 

I threw my First Officer a crooked smile. Leave it to Chakotay to notice a hidden personal issue at play and doing his best to help. “I suppose that might work.” Then I tilted my head. “But who’s going to tell B’Elanna?” 

He grinned. “Don’t you have some magical power over her now?” 

I scoffed, momentarily reminded of the effect my pheromones had on her this morning. “I wish it were that easy.” 

I must have sounded a little less upbeat for a moment because he eyed me surreptitiously. “Any word from the Doctor on those synthetic pheromones yet?” 

I shook my head. “Nothing so far.” 

“How are you holding up?” He asked softly.

I shrugged. “I’m fine.” I pushed back the embarrassment that welled up in my chest when I thought about the little incident of that morning and resolutely put my coffee cup on the table. “We can handle this until the Doctor comes up with something.” 

Chakotay nodded slowly. “And if he doesn’t?” 

“Let’s cross that bridge when we come to it, all right?” I stood, effectively ending the conversation. 

But as I sat in my chair on the Bridge later that afternoon I found myself wondering: what if there was no alternative? What if B’Elanna remained dependent on my pheromones? How would that affect my relationship with Chakotay? He did his best to act like he wasn’t bothered by the whole thing. But how would he feel if B’Elanna turned out to be a permanent factor that had to be taken in to the equation? B’Elanna herself would probably not be thrilled about being taken into the equation either. Our forced cohabitation was not strained, but not really what one would call comfortable either. Largely, it was bearable only because we both expected it to end. 

~

Attempting to distract my mind, I had sunk down in my armchair with a book that evening. In an attempt to get more comfortable, I repositioned the cushion behind my back with one hand while holding my book in the other hand. The movement caused my blanket to slip off my lap and I sighed, putting the book down so I could grab the blanket and pull it back over me. 

My sigh morphed into a yawn, and I briefly glanced at the chronometer, wondering if I should go to bed instead. B’Elanna had left me a note that would be out with Tom and Harry and probably wouldn’t be back until late. I didn’t plan on waiting up for her, especially not since I was still somewhat embarrassed because of our encounter that morning. 

Quickly leafing through the pages of my book, I decided I’d read one more chapter and then turn in.   
But before could even read another sentence, I heard the door open. Frowning, I glanced at the chronometer again.   
“You’re back early.” 

B’Elanna sighed as she kicked off her shoes, leaving them exactly where they landed, not bothering to put them aside. That seemed to be a habit, I observed. I had stumbled over those shoes before. 

“I’m tired.” 

“Do you want to sit down and have a drink? Or are you heading straight to bed?” I spoke, wondering if it was wise to ask since she seemed rather tense and annoyed. 

She eyed me for a moment and then flopped down on the couch next to my armchair, eyeing my almost empty glass.   
“What are you having?” 

“Iced tea.” 

Scrunching up her nose, B’Elanna sighed. But she made no move to get up.   
For a moment she sat quietly. 

“Do you always read paper books?” 

I put my bookmark between the pages and carefully closed my book. “Not always.” I answered truthfully. “But sometimes the words seem more real on paper than on a PADD.” 

She nodded, although I wasn’t sure she understood what I meant.   
‘Not strained, but not comfortable either.’ I recalled my earlier thoughts about our current living arrangements. An apt description. 

B’Elanna sat up and pointed at my glass. “Do you want one the way Sandrine usually serves them?” 

I looked at her as she made her way to the replicator, unable to accurately gauge her mood. “Okay.” 

“Computer, two Long Island iced teas.” 

The two tall glasses each came with a straw, I noticed as she handed me the drink.   
I carefully took a sip and coughed.   
“That’s not the syntehol version, is it?” 

“Nope.” B’Elanna grinned, sinking down on the couch and tucking her feet underneath her. 

I watched her get comfortable, apparently in somewhat better spirit than when she’d entered the room. 

“So what happened?” I asked, remembering that she mentioned that she had planned to be out late with her friends. But instead she was sitting on my couch with a drink. “Sandrine run out of alcohol?” 

Her face sobered again and she shrugged. “Tom was being an ass.” She answered guardedly. 

I nodded slowly as I took another sip, thinking about Tom. Whatever it was that was going on between them, the current situation with her being dependent on my pheromones and the subsequent sleepover arrangement was in all likelihood not helping.   
“That’s probably his way of letting you know he likes you.” 

With a frown, B’Elanna looked up at me. “What?” 

I blinked, wondering if I had misread their attraction. Based on their interaction during the last weeks and months there had to be something more than just friendship between them. But maybe B’Elanna hadn’t figured that out yet? 

“I’m just saying… I’m pretty sure Tom likes you a lot. Some men just have no idea how to show it.”

She threw me a look I couldn’t read. “Right.” 

Somewhere in the back of my mind, I was aware that I should probably just stop talking, but the alcohol seemed to lower my sense of self-control.   
“This whole situation probably makes it even harder for him to know the right thing to say or do.” I continued. “But you’ll get through this together, I’m sure. I think you’d make a wonderful couple.” 

“Maybe you should just mind your own business.” B’Elanna grumbled, loud enough for me to hear it. She placed her half empty glass on the table with a thud. “I’m going to bed.” 

With a frown I watched her go, wondering what the problem was. Maybe I had been too direct, but I couldn’t have been the only one to ever hint at the obvious chemistry in the air between her and Tom. 

I heard her rummaging around and I purposely waited until I couldn’t hear her anymore before I got up, recycled our glasses and headed to the bathroom myself.   
After quickly changing into my nightgown, I crawled into bed. 

B’Elanna had her back to me. Judging by the tense set of her shoulders, she was probably still awake. I lightly put my hand between her shoulder blades and felt her body stiffen.  
“I didn’t mean to pry.” I spoke softly. “I’m sorry.” 

The tension in her body subsided somewhat, but she didn’t answer or turn around. I retracted my hand and sighed.   
“Goodnight B’Elanna.” 

Not strained, but not comfortable either. 

~

The next morning I had just left my quarters, when Chakotay fell into step with me. “Good morning.” 

I smiled back. “Good morning, Commander.” 

“Join me for breakfast?” He offered amicably.

With an apologetic smile, I shook my head. “I’m meeting Kes and B’Elanna in Cargo Bay Three in fifteen minutes.” 

“Maybe some other time.” He tilted his head, accepting my explanation. “But I wanted to ask: did you already get a chance to talk to B’Elanna about Crewman Wilkes? I’d like to get him off the Maintenance team as soon as possible.” 

I shook my head. “I didn’t get a chance to talk to her this morning. She left early to check on the gallicite refinery before our meeting.” I explained. “But I’ll tell her now.” 

“Great.” Chakotay smiled. “Let me know how it goes.” 

I was pretty sure B’Elanna wasn’t going to be thrilled when I told her about Wilkes, so I wasn’t looking forward to being the messenger. But I didn’t want Chakotay to have to do it either. 

I walked into the Cargo Bay and frowned at the mess inside. Neelix had already moved half of the larger storage containers to clear the wall adjacent to Airponics. They were now haphazardly placed around the room, waiting to be taken to another location. 

As the doors closed behind me, I heard voices on the far side of the room. Navigating through the storage containers, I made my way over to what I assumed to be part of the Engineering crew doing an inspection of the room. 

“Oh come on B’Elanna.” I recognized Tom’s voice. He clearly sounded agitated.   
I recalled B’Elanna’s annoyance with him yesterday evening after spending time with him on the Holodeck. Were they still fighting? 

“When are you going to stop playing house with the Captain and face reality?” Tom continued forcefully. 

I stopped dead in my tracks and held my breath. I couldn’t see them from between the storage containers, and I assumed the same was true the other way around, but I could hear them clear as day. 

“I told you to mind your own business, Tom.” B’Elanna spat at him. Though the words were the same ones she had spoken to me the evening before, they certainly held more venom this time. 

Tom sighed exasperated. “She can’t give you what you want, you know that.” His voice got a softer quality. “But I can.” 

I frowned at his words but before I could think anything about them, there was a loud sound of metal clanging against a bulkhead as B’Elanna threw a hyperspanner in frustration. 

“You don’t know what the fuck I want.” B’Elanna yelled. “Just leave me alone!” The sound of a smaller tool hitting the wall served to punctuate her anger. “Get out!”

“I don’t know why I keep bothering.” Tom huffed, loud enough for her to hear as he walked away from her.

I stepped back into the shadows so he wouldn’t see me as he stalked towards the door.  
As he left, he nearly collided with Kes who was entering the Cargo Bay at the same time.

“Oh. Hi Tom.” 

Without replying, Tom brushed by her and she turned around to look at him.   
I came up behind her and lightly touched her shoulder, pretending I’d just entered the Cargo Bay as well.

“Good morning, Kes. Everything all right?” I greeted her lightly, as my mind tried to process the fight I’d just witnessed. 

She nodded, her frown turning into a smile. “Hello Captain.”

I lightly put my hand on her back and guided her inside. “Let’s see if we can turn this room into a garden, shall we?” 

I purposely chattered loudly and cheerfully, taking my time to reach the other side of the room to alert B’Elanna to our presence and give her time to compose herself. I also didn’t want her to know that I’d overheard her conversation with Tom. 

“Good morning, B’Elanna.” Kes spoke warmly as she spotted the half-Klingon. 

B’Elanna nodded politely. Her furiousness of a couple of minutes earlier seemed to be restrained, but she still looked tense. 

“Lieutenant.” I greeted her also. “Everything all right-” I noticed her hold her breath as she realized we saw Tom storm out and feared I would comment on it. “-with the gallicite refinery?” 

B’Elanna exhaled, visibly relieved by my line of questioning, and nodded. “Yeah. I passed by Engineering earlier. The refinery is up and running. Harry and Vorik have it under control.” 

Kes turned to me. “I saw Harry yesterday and he said he’d love to help with the garden as soon as the refining is finished.” 

I nodded. “Chakotay is looking into who can contribute to this project, providing it doesn’t interfere with ship’s business of course.” I shifted the conversation to the message I had promised to bring. “By the way, Crewman Wilkes will be assigned to assist you as of tomorrow.” 

“Wilkes?” B’Elanna shot back. “Oops-it-was-an-accident-Wilkes?” 

“Chakotay believes he will be a good addition to this project team.” I offered neutrally. “Apparently he comes from a family of farmers so he should have an aptitude for this.” 

For a moment B’Elanna looked as if she was going to put up a fight, but then she shook her head and scoffed. “Well that’s just great.” She mumbled, making no further comment. 

“So, I was thinking we could set up the soil garden over here.” Kes, ever sensitive to tension, changed the topic toward more neutral terrain. 

Her youthful excitement did the trick and I saw B’Elanna’s mind shift to the engineering puzzle that was being presented to her.   
She interrupted Kes. “Actually, there’s a power conduit running directly under this section here, so that would be a much more convenient location for the biosimulators.” 

I watched them both throw back and forth some ideas and possibilities and thought back to the argument I had just overheard between B’Elanna and Tom.   
Clearly there was a lot of tension between them and they were miles away from the bold flirting a week ago in the caves. It wasn’t hard to figure out what had changed since then that could have thrown a spanner –or in this case maybe a hyperspanner– in the works. 

B’Elanna had gone through Pon Farr with me, and was now sleeping in my quarters because she needed my pheromones and it was obvious that Tom wanted it all to have happened to him instead of me. And, I had to concur, that would’ve made a lot of things a lot easier.  
But the reality was that B’Elanna now had a neurochemical connection to me and not to him. Apparently, this connection was something he found hard to accept. 

The only thing I didn’t fully understand was why B’Elanna seemed so angry at him for that. 

As B’Elanna and Kes were discussing the lay-out and practicalities regarding the soil garden, I nodded here and there and tried to look interested, but secretly I was only trying to figure out B’Elanna’s rationale for her behavior towards Tom. 

From what I’d gathered from our talk the evening before, she was aware of his feelings towards her. And she should be able to deduce that recent events must have hurt his pride and his feelings somewhat.   
Maybe B’Elanna felt like Tom was pushing her to return his feelings while she just needed time alone to work through the things that were happening to her?   
I mulled over that angle a couple of minutes and decided that had to be it.   
Of course, I couldn’t ask her, because I’d basically promised the night before I wouldn’t pry. But I felt pretty sure it explained his exasperation and her irritation towards him. 

Of course, since I’d promised not to pry I couldn’t do much, but I secretly vowed to myself I’d try to nudge them both subtly in the right direction in the next couple of days. Maybe I could assign Tom to the expansion project as well? Working together, spending time in a professional environment, could take the romantic pressure off for B’Elanna and perhaps allow for the easy banter and teasing between them to return.

Tom and B’Elanna deserved to be happy together and since I was the one who had gotten in the middle of it –albeit unwillingly– I felt responsible for possibly breaking up what could easily be a ‘happy ever after’.  
But as it would turn out, I wouldn’t be in the middle much longer. 

~

“Nice flowers.” B’Elanna spoke as she entered my quarters. “From Chakotay?” 

I frowned, rearranging a white lily slightly more towards the center of the bouquet. “From Kes.” I corrected. “She said they’re for both of us, as a thank you for our help this morning in Cargo Bay Three.” 

I watched B’Elanna go into the bathroom and come out with her sonic toothbrush and her pajamas. She stuffed them in her satchel. 

“What are you doing?” 

She stopped her movement and slowly placed the satchel on the bed.   
“Good news.” B’Elanna pulled her mouth in a grimace that I presumed had to resemble a smile. “The Doctor has synthesized your pheromones for me. So I’m moving out.” She gestured around her. “You have the place all to yourself again.” 

I stood with my mouth open for a moment, not knowing what to say. “That… is good news.” I finally blurted out. 

“I’m on my way to Sickbay for my first shot.” She continued. “Of course I’ll have to keep away from you to see whether or not it’s working.” 

There was a pause and I nodded slowly, not sure what to say. 

She pointed at me. “You won’t have to wear your cortical monitor anymore.” 

“Right.” I touched the round device behind my ear and removed it. It powered down when it lost contact with my skin.   
It felt final, like I was severing our connection, like I was setting B’Elanna free. 

It didn’t take long for B’Elanna to collect her things. With her satchel slung over her shoulder she approached me. 

“Thank you.” She spoke sincerely. “For everything.” 

I held her gaze and nodded slowly. “You’re welcome.” 

And with that she was out the door and out of my life it seemed, just as unexpectedly as she had entered it. 

I exhaled deeply, watching the silence settle across the room.   
The scent of lilies permeated the air, filling the space B’Elanna had left. 

What would I do with my newfound freedom?   
A hot bath maybe. With the presence of B’Elanna the previous evenings, it seemed there was never a suitable moment for my favorite way of relaxing. 

I put the vase of lilies in the bathroom so I could enjoy their scent and ordered the computer to fill the tub as I started to undress. I took the pips off my uniform before dumping the fabric into the refresher and dutifully walked to my bedroom to put the pips safely in their box. 

There was music. I blinked and it took me a moment to realize that the familiar melody came from the broken music box. Only it seemed it was no longer broken.   
I stared at the small wooden box as the fragile notes bravely pushed through the air and brought back the memories of my father. 

With a lump in my throat I closed the box and carefully put it back. B’Elanna must have fixed it, I thought with a smile. I would be sure to thank her when I saw her. Then I remembered she was in Sickbay to receive the synthetic pheromones and that she would have to steer clear of me for a while. I decided I would call her later. 

With a happy sigh, I slid into my hot bath and blissfully closed my eyes as the heat slowly seeped through my skin, my flesh and finally nestled into my bones. 

The events of the past week passed through my mind. It seemed like a whirlwind had passed through my life. It had thrown everything that was not firmly fixed into the air and I had the distinct feeling that during the next days I would watch the pieces falling down again. 

At that time, I simply assumed those pieces would simply fall back into their original place.   
But whirlwinds rarely pass through without leaving a mark. And as it would happen, the pieces of my life would be rearranged to give shape to a whole new world. 

~

When my alarm sounded the next morning, I blinked disoriented as I looked for B’Elanna. Then it dawned on me that the Doctor had synthesized my pheromones and that she didn’t need to sleep over anymore. I spread my arms, thinking it was funny how quickly I’d become used to having someone in my bed, even after years of sleeping alone.

With a yawn, I got out of bed and moved to my desk, replicating a cup of coffee as I passed the replicator. Thanks to B’Elanna’s intervention, the coffee had the exact right temperature. 

As I had done every morning in the past week, I wanted to check B’Elanna’s bioreadings. Just because she didn’t need me anymore, didn’t mean I didn’t still care. But when I tried to retrieve the data, I noticed that my access rights to her medical file had already been revoked. 

I tapped my combadge. “Janeway to Sickbay.”

“Good morning, Captain.” The Doctor answered.

“Good morning, Doctor.” I spoke businesslike. “I just wanted to check on B’Elanna’s condition. Did the synthetic pheromones work?” 

“Worked like a charm.” I could hear the smug smile in the Doctor’s voice. “I’ve just given Lieutenant Torres her second dose. Her neurochemical levels are well within normal parameters.” 

I let out a breath I didn’t know I’d been holding. “That’s good to hear.” 

“It would be best if you steered clear from her for a couple of days,” he added, “so I can finetune her dose without outside influences.”

I nodded, remembering B’Elanna’s similar words. “Noted Doctor. Janeway out.”

Satisfied, I drank the rest of my coffee, got dressed and headed out.

Ordinarily, I would have taken a walk around the ship to get an on-site update on the gallicite refinement or the airponics project. But for both I more or less relied on B’Elanna to give me an update, so that was out of the question.  
Instead I made my way to my Ready Room to read the written status reports. 

This kept me busy until noon, when Chakotay came in.   
“Join me for lunch?” 

“Sure.” I nodded, suddenly hungry. 

In the turbolift Chakotay turned to me. “I heard you and B’Elanna spent the night apart.” His teasing grin was clearly audible in his voice. “The jury’s still out on whether it was due to a lover’s quarrel or because B’Elanna needed a break from the pain sticks.” 

I rolled my eyes. This crew was worse than an old fishwife when it came to gossip.   
“People clearly have too much time on their hands.” I sighed. “I mean, are they tracking us?”

Chakotay held up his hands. “Your guess is as good as mine, but I wouldn’t be surprised.” 

We entered the Mess Hall and I briefly scanned the room to make sure B’Elanna wasn’t there. 

“You spent the night apart, so I take it the Doctor found a solution?” Chakotay asked as we joined the short lunch queue. 

“Synthetic pheromones.” I nodded, turning my head as the doors opened. “He’s finetuning the dosage at the moment, so I should steer clear of B’Elanna for a couple of days until he gets it right.” 

“So that’s why you’re constantly looking around.” He grinned. “You know, there are probably people on this ship who can track her for you.” 

I lightly swatted his chest.   
“Why are people so fascinated with this anyway?” I wondered out loud as we got to the counter.   
“Hi Neelix, what’s today’s special?” 

“Why hello Captain. Today I’m serving dahl with spinach.” Neelix handed us both a platter with a full plate of dahl and bread on the side. “Only a small part of the spinach is from Kes’ garden.” He apologized. “But soon a lot of what I serve will be homegrown.”

“Can’t wait.” I smiled at him and made my way to a table in the corner where I could keep an eye on the door.

“Seriously though.” I continued the conversation with Chakotay as we sat down and started to eat. “Don’t people have anything better to do than trying to find out who is sleeping with whom?” 

Chakotay chuckled between two bites. “Apparently not.” He shrugged. “I think it’s quite natural for people to gossip like this.” He spoke thoughtfully. “People have always been interested in the lives and relationships of celebrities. Here on Voyager, the senior staff is the closest thing.”

“I guess you’re right.” I sighed. “But I’m not in a relationship. And even if I were, no pain sticks would be involved. I don’t know where they get that from.” 

Chakotay smiled and looked at me for a while.   
“Maybe the reason people so readily make up a relationship for you, is because they think you deserve to be in one.” 

I paused and put my fork down. “Chakotay…” I spoke softly, tilting my head.

“They don’t care about how it would impact the command structure.” He continued, now serious. “They want you to be happy.” 

I swallowed and stared into his brown eyes, feeling the love he held for me.   
The busy environment of the Mess Hall seemed to disappear around me. From the corner of my eyes, I saw his hand inch closer to where mine was resting on the table and immediately I was thrown back to the moment on New Earth, where we’d been sitting at the table in a very similar way as he told me an ancient legend to declare his feelings for me. 

It would be easy to touch his hand like I had then, to acknowledge that I understood what he was saying, to reassure him that there was a future waiting for us, together.

Yet somehow, I found that I couldn’t do that.   
“I am happy.” I croaked, feeling like I was letting him down. 

In front of me, Chakotay exhaled and nodded slowly. He gave me a small smile to show that he understood as he withdrew his hand.   
He would retreat for now, and try another way, I was sure. He was nothing if not patient.   
Suddenly, he reminded me of a soldier on a mission, determined to succeed, no matter what it would take. 

Behind him, at the far end of the Mess Hall, I saw B’Elanna entering the Mess Hall together with Nicoletti. Tom and Harry waved them over. B’Elanna said something to both men and as she sat down at their table, she noticed me. Our eyes locked briefly and I saw her tense. Tom noticed it too and frowned as he followed her gaze towards me. 

I got up and grabbed my tray, wordlessly indicating that I was ready to leave. I wasn’t hungry anymore anyway.   
“It’s time for me to go.” I spoke softly to Chakotay.

He frowned and then followed my gaze, but just nodded and didn’t get up with me.  
“See you later.” 

I felt like I was fleeing the scene, and wondered who I was running away from.   
No doubt, the rumor mill would provide a colorful answer to that question.

I hid in my Ready Room and later in my quarters, accompanied by a restless sort of energy, that prevented me from focusing and getting anything useful done. I didn’t even know exactly why I was feeling so on edge and that annoyed me even more.

Not surprisingly, I kept tossing and turning in bed that night and when I finally fell asleep I dreamt a dream that was more vivid than I ever remember having one. Like many dreams, it was composed of different fragments of my experiences and conversations over the past days, all woven together into a new psychedelic plot.

In my dream, I was back on the planet where we’d found the gallicite, more specifically just at the entrance of the caves. It was the place where B’Elanna had fought Vorik during their Pon Farr. I my dream, B’Elanna was also there. But she wasn’t fighting Vorik. In my dream, Chakotay was circling her, angrier than I had ever seen him. With every breath his nostrils were flaring and his muscles were twitching as he flexed them. “She is my mate!” He bellowed furiously at B’Elanna, and I realized he was pointing at me. 

Before I could say or do anything, Chakotay lunged forward to attack. B’Elanna countered him with her above-average Klingon strength, but it quickly became apparent she would be no match for him. 

I was crying for them to stop, but it seemed as if I could produce no sound at all. I was powerless and had to watch as Chakotay took advantage of a wrong move and managed to pin B’Elanna to the ground.   
His big hand moved towards her throat and I felt myself gasp for air as he started to suffocate her. 

B’Elanna’s eyes locked onto mine, panicked and pleading for help. But I still couldn’t move or speak. Fear rose into my throat and made it difficult to breathe. It was as if I could feel Chakotay’s hands around my throat as well. B’Elanna kept looking at me as if by sheer force of will she could get me to save her. 

I held up my hands as a gesture of defeat. And I realized I was holding something. A baton of some kind, heavy and cold. Not an object I’d ever seen before in real life, but I knew what it was. In my hands I was holding a Klingon pain stick, a device capable of causing great agony to even the most powerful warrior. 

I could use it to save B’Elanna’s life.   
On wobbly feet, I got up and tentatively stepped closer to where B’Elanna was being choked to death by I man I considered one of my best friends. Chakotay didn’t see me coming or if he did, he did not consider me a threat. He seemed like a man with a mission, to be stopped by nothing.

I held the pain stick with the business end aimed at his side and took a deep breath.   
I hesitated. 

B’Elanna’s life was in danger and I was the only one who could save her. But in doing so, I would have to hurt a man that I loved. Was I capable of causing Chakotay such immense pain? And if I didn’t do it, was I capable of letting B’Elanna die? 

I took a deep breath and focused again on positioning the pain stick. I had no choice.   
With my eyes closed, I pushed the stick downward… and woke up screaming in my own bed. 

It took me a while to realize I had been dreaming.   
My heart was thundering in my chest and I was panting, gasping for air. I brought my hands to my face and took a few slow, deep breaths in an effort to calm down.   
My throat was dry, so I got up to replicate a glass of water. As I gulped it down, I noticed my hands were shaking.

Even when I had calmed down somewhat, I still felt the same restlessness that had accompanied me the whole day before. Although my hands were no longer shaking, I still felt like I was shaking internally, like my body was aching for something. 

Suddenly, my eyes shot open. Was I maybe going through withdrawal as well? I gasped and searched for my robe. 

In the middle of the night, barely dressed, I made my way to Sickbay.

“Please state the nature of the medical emergency. Captain? What happened?” 

Apparently my appearance and the ungodly hour were enough to put minor alarm on the Doctor’s face. 

“Is it possible that B’Elanna’s Pon Farr had an effect on me as well?” I gushed as the Doctor grabbed a tricorder. 

He paused as he scanned, frowning. “I haven’t seen any abnormalities in your neurochemistry before.” He tilted his head. “But given how little we know of this condition, anything’s possible.” He resumed scanning. “Are you experiencing any symptoms?” 

I swallowed, trying to find the words to accurately explain. “My head hurts and I’ve been feeling increasingly… restless all day, like when you crave something to eat but you don’t know what it is your body needs.” 

The Doctor only nodded, so I continued. “I thought it might be a sign of withdrawal, like B’Elanna has been experiencing.” 

There was a silence where I looked at the Doctor expectantly as he tapped the tricorder and interpreted the scanning data. 

“Well,…” he spoke as I nervously bit my lip, “your neurochemical values are all within normal parameters.” He smiled. “Nothing to worry about, Captain. Medically speaking, you’re as healthy as can be.” 

I blinked. “You mean there’s nothing wrong with me? I’m not in withdrawal?” 

“A cup of coffee would probably do wonders for your headache.” He stated dryly. “But other than that, there’s nothing that would suggest that this is anything other than a mild reaction to the emotional stress you’ve been experiencing during the last couple of days.” 

“Thank you Doctor.” I nodded pensively, suddenly feeling foolish for thinking I could have been addicted to B’Elanna at all. Instead, I ought to be relieved that it was all finally over.  
With B’Elanna set up on synthetic pheromones and no lingering effects on me, this matter was finally resolved. Nothing interfering with me getting back to my old life again.

Despite the very early hour, I decided not to go back to bed anymore. Instead, I got a cup of coffee and settled at my desk to get through some of the paperwork I’d been ignoring. Now that I no longer had to worry about B’Elanna’s health, I could focus on captaining Voyager again. And I would spend some extra time with Chakotay. He deserved that too.  
By morning, the coffee had made my headache disappear and I had caught up with all my paperwork.

I was already on the Bridge when Chakotay entered and he smiled as he sat down next to me.  
“You’re up bright and early.” 

I beamed at him. “Just catching up with everything.” I slightly leaned in. “Speaking of which, it’s been a while since we had dinner together. My quarters, tonight, say 18h00?”

“I’ll be there.” He grinned. 

“Great.” I replied, pleased that we seemed to be back to normal. 

There was one more thing I had to do.  
When Tom entered the Bridge, I called his name. “Join me in my Ready Room for a moment?” 

The door closed behind him and he looked at me expectantly. 

“I was thinking you might be interested in working on the Airponics expansion project…” I smiled at him.

Tom looked surprised. “Me?” 

“Why not?” I countered. “You’ve designed many atmospheres for your holoprograms. Your expertise could come in handy for creating the biosimulator B’Elanna wants to set up.” 

He looked skeptical. “And what does B’Elanna think of that?”

“I haven’t discussed it with her yet.” I replied coyly. “But I’m sure she’ll be happy to work closely with you.” 

Tom sighed. “I wouldn’t be too sure of that.” 

I squeezed his arm sympathetically. “Don’t give up on her yet. She’s been through a lot.” I continued my subtle plan to bring them together. “Listen, if working together in the past has made her realize that she enjoyed your company, there’s no reason why working together on the biosimulator couldn’t have the same effect.”

Tom nodded slowly, understanding what I was getting at. “Maybe.” Then he looked at me. “It’s worth a try. Thanks Captain.”   
As he made his way to the door, he turned around again. “I’m organizing a drink at Sandrine’s tomorrow night, for my birthday.” He spoke. “It would be great to see you there too.” 

I smiled, seeing the invitation as a sign that he had forgiven me for my involvement in B’Elanna’s Pon Farr.   
“I’ll be there.”


	5. Chapter 5

Standing at the replicator, I was scrolling through the food selection. Mindful of my tendency to screw up even the simplest dishes, I decided to keep dinner for Chakotay a basic affair. A colorful salad, some dressing and toasted bread would have to do. 

In an attempt to give the simple meal at least a bit of cachet, I had traded my uniform for a dark blue dress, had loosely French braided my long hair and put on some cheerful jazzy music in the background.

Chakotay arrived right on time and kissed me on the cheek as he entered. He handed me a bottle of white wine which I accepted gracefully. 

“You look nice.” Chakotay complemented me as followed me into the room.   
But he grinned when he saw the food on the table.   
“And I see you played it safe.” He jested, touching upon the running joke between us regarding my lack of cooking skills.

“This replicator still hates me.” I rolled my eyes. “I thought it would be better since B’Elanna completely took it apart and put it back together, but half of the toast still came out burnt.” I scrunched my nose, indicating some darker patches on the toasted bread, mentally berating myself for bringing up B’Elanna in the first five minutes of conversation, when I wanted tonight to be about him.   
“At least the salad looks edible.” I shrugged. “Well… I hope so at least.” 

If he was annoyed by my mentioning of B’Elanna, Chakotay didn’t show it. He graciously carried on with the conversation.   
“The bread I can’t help you with, but pretty soon you can just ask me to stop by Airponics to pick up the salad on my way over.” 

“I like the way you think.” I smiled. “You can be my plan B.” 

Chakotay just chuckled and shook his head. “How about we try plan A right now?” He gestured at the food.

“Plan A sounds good.” I nodded and poured the wine as we both sat down. 

“Maybe we can expand Airponics even further and start our own vineyard.” Chakotay mused, trying the wine. 

I shook my head, putting salad on his plate. “We talked about this, remember?” I glared and pretended I’d poke him in the ribs with the serving utensil. “Coffee bean plants first.”

Chakotay held up his hands. “My mistake.” He chuckled, then took the salad dressing and a slice of toast. 

“You know, this project seems to bring out the best in people.” He continued. “I’ve got at least a dozen volunteers to work in gardens when they’re finished.” He tilted his head. “Especially the soil garden seems popular. I guess people really want to play in the mud.” 

“I have to admit I’m looking forward to that myself.” I grinned broadly. “Aeroculture and hydroculture may be technologically more advanced, but playing in the mud just seems more satisfying.”

“We’ll have to change the name too.” Chakotay remarked and I smiled at his enthusiasm. “After the expansion, ‘Airponics’ won’t cover it anymore.” 

I nodded. “You’re right. Let’s see what the crew comes up with.”   
I refilled our wineglasses. “I’ve asked Tom to help with the expansion project as well. I figured his expertise in holographic design might come in handy for setting up the biosimulator.”

Chakotay frowned. “From holographic programming to creating a sustainable ecosystem, that’s a bit of a stretch, isn’t it?” 

I nibbled on a piece of toast and tilted my head innocently. “Maybe.” 

He looked at me through squinting eyes. “I know that look. What are you up to?”

“Nothing.” I shrugged. 

“Kathryn…” Chakotay grinned, warningly drawing my name out a bit at the end in good humor. 

“All right, all right.” I held up my hands. “I just figured that if Tom and B’Elanna were forced to work together, they might get closer again.” I grew thoughtful. “Everything that happened during the past week has been difficult for them, pushing them apart. Maybe this can nudge them back in each other’s direction.” I trailed off. “They deserve to be happy.” 

“They do.” Chakotay spoke and I looked up to see his eyes studying me intently. He looked like he wanted to say something else, but waited instead, riding out the silence to see if I would continue.

I was reminded of our conversation in the Mess Hall the day before, when I had almost literally run from him. But hadn’t I realized since then that he deserved more?   
The opportunity was there, all I had to do was take it.   
Slowly, with a knot in my stomach, I reached out over the table and touched his hand.   
“Maybe we all deserve to be happy.” 

He clearly understood what I was saying. We were both silent for a moment as he turned his hand so that our palms were touching and our fingers intertwined. And once more, the boundaries in our relationship were shifting.

“We do.” He whispered, his thumb rubbing mine. “We really do.” 

I suddenly felt giddy as I smiled at him and he smiled back.   
Then he surprised me by getting up, still holding my hand. “Care to dance?” 

I smiled, tilting my head to listen to the music that was still playing in the background. “Sure.” I got up from my chair. “But I’m not really sure how to dance to this.” 

Chakotay pulled me close to him and wrapped his strong arms around me.   
“Me neither.” He whispered against my hair. “But I really just want to hold you.” 

I looked up at him, simply letting myself be held, and smiled at him, seeing his love for me clearly in his eyes.   
We swayed somewhat to the music, but neither of us paid much attention to it. 

“I like it when you wear your hair like this.”   
He delicately touched my braid, his fingers trailing under my chin. Then he gently dipped his head down and kissed me. 

His lips were warm on mine, and whereas our previous kiss on the boat on the Holodeck had been brief and chaste, it was obvious that this one wasn’t going to be the same. Though he was gentle in doing so, Chakotay took the initiative to deepen the kiss, clearly not willing to settle for a peck on the lips this time.

And I wasn’t complaining. As usual, when it came to me, he was caring and sensitive to my needs, indicating his intentions, but letting me set the pace. 

Kissing him felt both familiar and strange. It made me feel warm inside. Not the heat of a blazing, all-consuming fire, but rather a gratifying, slow-seeping, gentle warmth that filled me completely. 

And although we technically were treading into new territory, I could easily see how this was going to play out. How he would undress me, slowly and steady, controlling his desire, like he had for so long, for fear he it might be too intense and scare me away. Just like with the kiss, he would carefully initiate each next step, but he would still let me take the lead.   
Perhaps only at the very end, when he’d be close to orgasm, would he maybe allow himself to lose control and freely show his lust for me. 

The image stirred up the very contrasting memory of my night with B’Elanna, where control and lust had held very different meanings. And where the fire had been of the blazing, all-consuming kind.   
Just the thought of it, made my heart start to thunder in my chest.

Suddenly confused, I broke the kiss with Chakotay. 

“Are you all right?” He panted, still holding me close. 

‘That night with B’Elanna was lust. This is love.’ I told myself, but immediately another part of my brain challenged that notion. If this was love, wasn’t my heart supposed to at least flutter if not thunder in my chest as well? 

“I’m a little out of practice, I guess.” I breathed against his throat, making an excuse to explain my actions.   
My dissident thoughts confused me. Wasn’t this steady progression of intimacy with him exactly what I had wanted?

Chakotay gently kissed my forehead. “That’s all right, we can take it slow.” 

‘No’, the insolent part of my brain groaned inwardly, ‘I don’t want you to take it slow’.   
I could clearly feel he was aroused and I wanted him to act upon it, to take me, not slow, but hard and wild and out of control. Yet that behavior was so unlike Chakotay it almost made me laugh out loud. 

I swallowed, and in an effort to gain control over the dissonance in my mind, I decided to buy myself some time.  
“Yes, maybe we should… take it slow.” I looked up at him. “We’ve waited this long…” 

He couldn’t hide a flash of disappointment before he carefully schooled his features into gentle understanding.   
I didn’t want to hurt him and I could feel his longing for me, but I knew I needed space to figure this out, to get to the bottom of these unprecedented desires I felt. 

Chakotay took a step back and took my hands in his, bringing them up to his mouth to kiss my knuckles.   
“I don’t want you to be uncomfortable.” He spoke softly. “But you know how I feel about you, Kathryn.”

“I know.” I whispered as I looked into his eyes. I knew very well how he felt and I had always thought I felt the same way. But for the first time in our deepening relationship, I found I was hesitant. Was this where I would draw the line?

“Would you be my date to Tom’s birthday drink tomorrow?” I added, in an attempt to navigate us back to more familiar territory. Perhaps if we did take it slower, I would not feel so spooked.

For a moment I wondered if he would press the issue, assert his desire and not let me get away with it. That dissident part of me almost wished he would.  
But he just held my gaze for a second, and I could see him give in, deciding to respect my wishes, as he gave me a small smile and nodded. “I’d love to.” 

“Great.” I exhaled and extricated my hands from his, rapidly backtracking from that dangerous territory.   
I pointed at the replicator. “Now, I was thinking about trying chocolate pudding for desert.” 

“No need to go all out for me.” Chakotay grinned teasingly, moving to sit on the couch.   
If I had hurt him, he was certainly trying to hide it.

I threw him a dirty look as I got two servings of the rather simple desert and sank down next to him. 

‘I love this man, don’t I?’ I thought as I ate my pudding. It was a deep and steadying feeling. His presence centered me, made me feel safe and loved. In many ways, my relationship with Mark had been similar: based on deep-seated love, trust, stability. 

Wasn’t that what a real relationship was? And why did it now seem a little dull and boring? Why was I suddenly thinking about fire and lust and passion? I’d never actually believed in those things before. Those were great notions for a romance novel or for more hedonistic souls. In any case, I’d always considered myself to be too levelheaded and too sensible to be swept up by something so unsustainable and irrational.

Had B’Elanna’s Pon Farr changed me after all? The Doctor might not have seen any neurochemical evidence, but maybe a taste of that more visceral bond had awakened an appetite that I never knew existed within me. 

After Chakotay finished his desert, he scooted closer, putting his hand on my knee to squeeze it lightly.   
“Stop worrying so much.” 

I was about to deny it, but my inner turmoil must have been visible on my face, so I simply exhaled and smiled.   
“I think I need some time to mentally change gears.” I offered a partial truth. “We’ve been dancing around each other for so long…” 

His hand was still on my knee, warm and comforting.   
“We’ll get there.” He spoke with confidence. 

I let out a long breath, suddenly frustrated by my confusion.   
Wasn’t I just sabotaging my own chance of happiness with my absurd desires for passion? Shouldn’t I just straddle his lap and ride him, right here on the couch? Maybe that would satisfy my appetite for lust? 

Inwardly I was still debating the possibility when Chakotay put his hand under my chin and leaned in to press a soft, gentle kiss against my lips. The chaste and almost innocent kind that made all fantasies of wildly riding him on the couch fly out the window at once. 

“I’m calling it a night.” He smiled softly. “Thanks for a lovely evening, Kathryn.” 

I nodded dazedly, puzzled by the direction my thoughts had taken that evening.   
“See you tomorrow.” 

I watched him go and wondered what would’ve happened if I would have straddled him after all. 

~

My evolving relationship with Chakotay was still on my mind when I was on my way to the Briefing Room for the Staff Meeting the next morning. I had asked him to accompany me to Tom’s party, which in itself was nothing out of the ordinary. We’d been to most parties together, mostly because he was my second in command and my friend and it sort of happened that way. 

But now I had asked him as my date, and even though during the party we’d probably act like we always did, my mind was preoccupied over what might happen later, after the party. That time when he would walk me home, and I would invite him in… What would happen then? 

I was so lost in thought that I nearly collided with someone as I entered the Briefing Room. 

“B’Elanna.” I gasped, surprised to see her. “Are you all right?” Then I backed off a little, thinking it probably wasn’t a good idea for me to get too close to her.

“Yeah.” She moved her head in a sort of jerking motion. “The Doc gave me the all clear, so we don’t have to steer clear of each other anymore.” She waved her hand between us to indicate the distance. 

I nodded politely, choosing not to elaborate about the subject due to other people entering the room. “That’s great.” 

“Good morning.” Chakotay smiled as he came in. I felt his eyes linger on me a little longer than was strictly professional, but then he moved to his seat. 

I followed and sat down next to him, at the head of the table. Briefly, I looked at B’Elanna again. She looked a little pale, I thought. But maybe that was just my impression. 

Like all Staff Meetings, we started with a brief status update of all departments.   
Tuvok was right in the middle of giving a tactical update, when Tom interrupted.

“B’Elanna, you’re bleeding.” 

We all turned to look at her, seeing a small trickle of blood coming out of her left nostril. She reached up and touched it, watching the blood on her fingers with a frown. Then she looked straight at me. 

Tom stood up and grabbed B’Elanna’s elbow. “Let’s get you to Sickbay.” 

I held her gaze. “We’ll continue this meeting later.” I spoke resolutely, getting up as well to follow them out the door. 

As Tom supported B’Elanna, he alerted Sickbay that we were on our way.   
I stayed behind a bit, realizing that maybe it was her close proximity to me that was causing the problem. But I couldn’t let B’Elanna go on her own. After what we’d been through, I was invested in her wellbeing.

“What happened?” The Doctor barked at us as we entered.

“I was just sitting in the Briefing Room and my nose started bleeding.” B’Elanna spoke as Kes prepared the biobed and Tom helped her up. She shrugged. “That’s all.” 

“I was there too.” I added, still standing by the door. “It’s the first time she came near me in a couple of days. Maybe that has something to do with whatever’s happening?” 

The Doctor didn’t look up as I spoke, instead he was scanning B’Elanna and intently staring at the data on the display.   
“No, I don’t think that’s it.” He frowned. “All neurochemical values are within expected ranges. But there’s swelling in some parts of the brain.” He tapped the tricorder again and his frown deepened. “The bleeding is stemming from a small hemorrhage in the frontal lobe.” He mumbled, grabbing a thrombic modulator. “I can stop it…” He paused to concentrate as he did so. “But the question is: what started it?” 

He turned around when he was finished. “Kes, can you access the cerebral hemodynamic data from the Lieutenant’s cortical monitor?”

“Right away Doctor.” The young Ocampan nodded and it brought up on another screen, intently looking at the data as it appeared.   
“There are indications of an increasing instability of the autonomic nervous system.” She pointed out and looked at the Doctor. “It only started a couple of days ago. Maybe this could be related to the synthetic pheromones?” 

“I was thinking along the same lines.” The Doctor nodded gravely. “The synthetic pheromones, unlike the Captain’s natural pheromones, contain certain neuroleptic compounds required to keep them chemically stable and prevent degradation after they’re administered.” 

“Ideic neuroleptic malignant syndrome.” Kes’ brow was furrowed in concentration as she dug into the knowledge she possessed on the subject. “A combination of amantadine and bromocriptine should be able to counteract the imbalance.” 

“Very good Kes.” The Doctor praised his student. “Point 2 milligrams of each should do it.” He took the hypospray that Kes offered him with a smile and applied it to B’Elanna’s neck.   
“That should restore your autonomic functions for now.” He spoke to my Chief Engineer. “And I think it’s best to stop the synthetic pheromone treatment until I’ve had a chance to revise the cocktail.”

B’Elanna’s jaw clenched in an expression I’d come to identify as stubborn opposition. “What would happen if I kept taking the synthetics?” 

“Even in smaller doses, you’d be risking serious brain damage.” The Doctor explained. “Loss of function, depending on the location of the swelling in your brain… Death even, if your autonomous functions are affected.” He added bluntly.   
Then he gestured at me. “But, lucky for you, you have a perfectly natural source of the pheromones at your disposal until I find a better solution.” 

I nodded gravely and stepped closer, standing next to Tom, who’d been standing by B’Elanna’s bedside throughout the whole time she’d been in Sickbay.  
“Of course you’re welcome to stay the night again until the Doctor has a safer treatment available.” I proffered.

Next to me, Tom sighed. I felt bad for him, as I was getting in the middle once more. 

“You don’t have to do this.” B’Elanna muttered weakly in protest, neither looking at me nor at Tom.

“We’ve been through this before, B’Elanna.” I countered strongly. “I’m not willing to endanger your life in any way, certainly not if I can help by doing something as simple as this.” 

There was a silence and B’Elanna’s jaw was still clenched when she finally nodded briefly, accepting my proposal, albeit none too happily. 

“You’re free to go, Lieutenant.” The Doctor announced. “Of course, I’ll keep an eye on your vital signs.” He tapped the cortical stimulator that was still attached to B’Elanna’s neck. “And I expect you back again at the first sign of trouble.” 

B’Elanna mumbled something as she hopped off the biobed but the Doctor grabbed her arm to stop her. “I’m serious, Lieutenant. You’re not out of the woods yet.” 

She only nodded. 

On our way back to the Briefing Room, I threw worrying glances at her, but she studiously ignored them. No one spoke, so the three of us just walked quietly.

“I’m all right.” B’Elanna mumbled as an answer when her colleagues looked at her questioningly before we continued the staff meeting.   
But throughout it, she remained subdued and pensive. 

“I hope you’re still coming to my birthday drink tonight.” I heard Tom say to her afterwards. “It’s going to be the party of the year!”

“Wouldn’t miss it.” She answered him, but her polite smile didn’t reach her eyes. 

~

For his ‘party of the year’, it appeared that Tom had reprogrammed Sandrine’s Bar a little bit. The customary pool table had been replaced by three dabo tables, including the dabo girls that usually came with them. Scantily clad, smiling seductively and with a keen eye for the replicator rations that were the currency of choice that evening. 

As promised, Chakotay had picked me up at my quarters after my shift, gentlemanly complementing me on my outfit –a modest black dress- and offering me his arm to enter the Holodeck together. 

There was already a good crowd gathered, and a multitude of dabo girls were flitting around the room, flirting with everyone and offering drinks. 

I snickered as one of them approached Chakotay and practically attached herself to him.  
“You look like a man who can beat the odds… Care to try your luck?” 

It wasn’t clear to me whether she meant at dabo or at herself, but the slightly frightened look on Chakotay’s face was priceless anyway.

“There’s Tom.” He spoke to me, ostensibly ignoring her. “Let’s go say hello.” 

“Are you sure you don’t want to try your luck?” I smirked, unable to help myself. 

He threw me a dirty look as we made our way to Tom. “Maybe later.” 

I chuckled and rolled my eyes, but I silently wondered if he was talking about dabo, the girl or me. 

“Captain, Commander.” Tom greeted us. “Welcome! Grab a drink, try your luck at dabo…” He gave us both a token. “The first spin is on the house.” 

“Happy birthday, Tom.” I smiled, leaning closer to kiss him on the cheek and handing him his present – a scale model of a ’69 Chevy Camaro with exquisite detail that would fit nicely in his collection. 

He eyed it fondly, whistling softly between his teeth. “Thank you Captain.” 

“So, those dabo tables, they aren’t rigged in any way, are they?” Chakotay asked looking dubiously at the token in his hand. 

Tom grinned. “It’s dabo…” He shrugged, leaving in the middle whether that meant they were or not. 

Chakotay eyed the tables, seemingly unsure of what to do. 

“Go ahead.” I nudged him. “I’ll get us something to drink.” 

I noticed B’Elanna sitting at the bar as I made my way over. She had her back turned to the room, instead studying the bottles of liquor stored behind the bar. 

I lightly placed my hand on her shoulder. “Feeling better?” 

She jumped slightly, startled by the touch. “Captain.” She stammered and then shrugged. “Well, I could use a real drink.” She pointed at the non-alcoholic juice she was nursing on the Doctor’s orders. “But otherwise I’m okay.” 

I smiled sympathetically, ordering two cocktails from Sandrine for me and Chakotay.   
“Did you try your hand at dabo already?” I asked B’Elanna.

“Not yet.” She shook her head, then took a sip of her drink and made a face. “I’m not good at that sort of thing.” 

“And here I thought you were good at everything.” I jested.  
That earned me a small smile. 

“The first spin is on the house, apparently.” I continued, taking the drinks that Sandrine had put in front of me. “Nothing to lose.” I motioned my head. “Come on, let’s go see how Chakotay’s faring.” 

B’Elanna turned her head to look at him and then back at me, her face sullen again. “I think I’ll check out the rest of the non-alcoholic menu here.”

I tilted my head a bit. I couldn’t force her to have a good time. “Well, in any case, I’ll see you later.” I smiled, referring to our sleeping agreement of that night.

At the dabo table, Chakotay was again flanked by the same girl that had spoken to him before. But he didn’t seem that bothered by her anymore. 

“I won my first two rounds.” He grinned when he saw me. “Lyana here gave me a few pointers.” 

I could hardly conceal my smirk, finding it funny that Chakotay seemed oblivious to the fact that the girl was hustling him. “Did she now?” 

“What a wonderful game!” Neelix smiled as he made his way over, grinning from ear to ear, with a dabo girl practically draped over his shoulder. 

“Did you get pointers from her too?” I teased, which earned me a playful glare from Chakotay.

“Well, no.” Neelix responded. “I won the first two rounds, but I lost it all again in the third.” He frowned but then grew cheerful again. “Luckily, you can also play with your own rations.” 

Harry joined us as well, placing his free token on the dabo table. “I’m feeling lucky tonight.” He grinned. 

Still holding on to my own token, I watched the next spin. Chakotay lost everything he had and looked very disappointed by that. Neelix had managed to place opposing bets so he got out break even. And Harry whooped as he doubled his wages. 

“This is so much fun.” Neelix beamed as the dabo girl fondled his whiskers. “Commander, don’t sulk. You can still play. You just have to trade some of your own rations for extra tokens.” He counted his tokens and started to place his bets for the next round.

“I don’t think so.” Chakotay shook his head. “I’m out.” 

Immediately Lyana moved away from him and latched onto Harry to try her charms on him. I watched my OPS officer squirm a little at the hologram’s attention and chuckled. 

In the back, I noticed B’Elanna was still sitting at the bar, but following the proceedings at our table with a keen interest. 

I flipped my own token between my fingers a couple of times, as I looked around the table. Was I seeing a pattern here? I hesitated a little, but then shrugged. Only one way to find out if I was right.   
I pursed my lips and put my token down for a bet.   
“My turn.” 

Tom Paris made his way over with a holographic dabo girl on each arm, as the dabo wheel spun.  
“I hope everyone is enjoying themselves?” 

“The Captain is taking her first spin.” Neelix informed him, wringing his hands and watching the wheel excitedly. 

“Great!” Tom smiled. “Let’s see if luck is on your side tonight.” 

“Dabo!” I exclaimed as I won my first round. I collected my tokens with a grin. “You’re right Neelix, this is fun.” 

“It’s only fun if you keep on playing.” Tom grinned, trying to convince a doubting Harry to place another bet. 

Chakotay moved to stand behind me as I watched the table intently, mindlessly fiddling with the tokens as I did so. I had expected to win the first round. If my theory was right, I should also win the second…   
“All-in on triple down dabo…” I spoke as I placed my tokens. 

“Are you sure?” Chakotay asked, surprised. 

Behind me, Tom whistled. “That’s a risky bet Captain.”

B’Elanna, who had approached from the bar, drawn to the squeals of fun, looked at my tokens and back at me, a small knowing grin playing around the corners of her mouth. 

Everyone watched the spinning wheel intently and as it started to slow, I felt a twinge of excitement in my stomach. I briefly looked up and saw B’Elanna giving an approving nod before watching the wheel come to a halt.   
There was an expectant pause… and then… 

“Triple down dabo!” Neelix screamed in disbelief, jumping up and down. 

I smiled broadly, collecting my royal winnings. 

“You’re really on a roll, Captain.” Tom grinned. “What’s your next bet?” 

I tilted my head. “Actually, I’m out.” I spoke. 

“Out?” Tom repeated surprised. “You’re making profits like never before!”

“And I’d like to keep them.” I replied succinctly.  
From the corner of my eyes, I saw B’Elanna smirk before heading back to the bar. We had both figured out that the table was rigged in such a way I’d lose it all again with my next bet, in the hopes that I’d continue playing with my own rations after that. It was a fairly classic move. 

Under Tom’s protesting, I took Chakotay’s elbow and directed him away from the dabo table. 

“What was that all about?” He questioned as we sat down. 

I chuckled. “It’s a Ferengi game.” I explained. “The house always wins. They lure you in with free tokens, let you win the first rounds so you’re feeling lucky and you keep going. Then, you lose it all and start betting with your own money, thinking your luck will return, which of course never happens…” I gestured to Neelix and the others still around the table. “Classic.” 

Chakotay shook his head as it dawned on him. “So the table was rigged.” 

“Of course it was.” I rolled my eyes, pleased with myself for figuring out the pattern. I turned to the bar, to give B’Elanna a conspiratory smile as I knew she had figured it out as well, even from afar.   
Tom was standing there too, talking to her but she was looking at me, her expression grave and serious. When our gazes crossed, she turned away, back to the bar. 

“It doesn’t seem like your roommate is having a good time.” Chakotay stated, following my gaze. 

Briefly, I put my hand on his. I had told him after the Staff Meeting that morning that the synthetic pheromones needed to be adapted and that B’Elanna would continue to stay the night with me until they were safe for her to use. 

He hadn’t bothered to try and hide his disappointment that time, and I had drawn him close, conscious that we were in my Ready Room, and put my arms around him to lightly kiss him on the lips.   
He had grinned. “Well, I guess if this is a consequence of B’Elanna sleeping over, I’m not complaining.” 

“She’s been through a lot.” I spoke, frowning as I watched B’Elanna get off her barstool and move for the exit of the bar without saying goodbye to anyone.

“Do you have to go now too?” Chakotay asked, slightly annoyed, as she disappeared from sight. 

From the corners of my eyes, I could see Tom was also giving me a scrutinizing look.

I glanced at the chronometer and shook my head. “It’s still early.” I spoke, wanting to show both men that this little setback didn’t have to ruin everything. “I have time for at least one more drink.” 

Chakotay’s face split into a grin. “Coming right up.” He beamed, waving a dabo girl over to take our order. 

~

I arrived in my quarters –a little later, and a little more intoxicated than I had originally planned– expecting to find a sleeping B’Elanna. However, my bed and the rest of my quarters were empty. 

I frowned and then shrugged. B’Elanna was probably waiting in her own quarters until I got home, before coming over. I went into the bathroom to change into my nightgown, figuring she’d be there soon. But when I came out a couple of minutes later, there was still no sign of her. 

“Computer, locate Lieutenant Torres.”   
Had she gone back to the party, or gotten caught up somewhere else? 

“Lieutenant Torres is in her quarters.” The Computer informed me. 

Maybe she had fallen asleep, I figured. I wasn’t too worried that anything might have happened to her, knowing that the Doctor was monitoring her vitals continuously.  
I decided to call her, to let her know I was back.   
“Janeway to Torres.” 

There was no reply, so I tried again.   
“Janeway to Torres. B’Elanna, are you there?” 

Again, there was only silence, and I cursed. I was pretty tired and I wanted to go to bed. Then it dawned on me that if she was asleep in her quarters, I might as well join her in her bed, instead of waking her up to get her into mine. 

Throwing on my robe, I exited my quarters and quickly made my way down the corridor. I nervously looked around when I overrode her lock, to see if anyone was there. The grapevine would probably explode if they actually saw me in my robe, granting myself access to B’Elanna’s quarters late at night. 

The room was only lit by the stars as I entered.  
“B’Elanna?” I spoke softly.

I heard the rustling of the sheets as she sat up.   
“What are you doing here?” Her voice sounded annoyed.

Taking off my robe and placing it on a nearby chair, and made my way to her bed. “Well, if you won’t come to me…” 

B’Elanna lay back down with a sigh. “Ugh. Fine.” 

“Everything all right?” I asked, slipping in bed next to her. 

In one brusque movement, she turned onto her side, her back towards me. “I’m fine. Let’s just sleep.” 

“Okay.” I breathed and quietly lay down on my side next to her.   
The contours of her back were easily discernible in the dim light of the stars and I stared at her arms and shoulders and the muscles that played under her smooth skin. 

All of a sudden I was reminded of the other time we’d been in this bed together, when I had helped her through Pon Farr. Had it really only been two weeks ago?   
I felt my body respond involuntarily to the memory of how we had touched each other, and even though she had been similarly close to me in my own bed a dozen times since then, I now felt an unexpected desire to reach out and touch her, to feel her again as I had that first time. 

Surprised by my own unwarranted lustful feelings, I clenched my hand into a fist and shoved it under my pillow to keep it from doing anything rash. Since I wasn’t exactly sober, I didn’t really trust myself. 

“Why didn’t you come to my quarters?” I spoke softly, in an effort to distract me from my mind’s meanderings.

B’Elanna didn’t answer, although it was clear by the rigid posture of her body that she was still awake. 

“B’Elanna?” I spoke a little louder now, suddenly worried that something was wrong. Already forgetting my previous reservations, I did reach out and lightly touched her shoulder.

She jumped at the touch, pulling away from me. Then she cursed under her breath and sat up with her back towards me, her legs over the side of the bed, burying her face in her hands. 

“What’s wrong?” I asked alarmed, sitting up as well.

She let out a shaky breath. “I can’t keep being dependent on you like this.” She spoke in a pained voice. “I just… can’t.” 

I blinked a couple of times, letting her words sink in. The whole situation had been hard on her too, I reckoned. To be dependent on another human being was never a comfortable position to be in, nor was constantly having to worry over your health. The past two weeks had been a rollercoaster-ride for her as well. 

“I know it’s been hard on you…” I spoke softly. “But you can do this, okay?”   
B’Elanna didn’t respond but I noticed the tight muscles of her shoulders relaxing a bit. “You just have to hold on until the Doctor adapts the synthetic pheromones, and then your life will be back to the way it was before.” 

The sheets rustled as B’Elanna turned around. “Like before?” She scoffed, looking me in the eyes. “Some things are different, Kathryn. At least for me…” 

Her use of my first name made me realize that she was talking about how our personal relationship had changed.   
“Is that a bad thing?” I countered softly. “Yes, we’re connected now in a certain way. But that doesn’t have to impact your life. Certainly not with the synthetic alternative available.” I argued, trying to show her that she wasn’t stuck with me. 

She remained still, almost like she was brooding on something. 

“Hey,” I continued softer, with a hint of a smile in my voice, “I won’t be in your bed forever. There’ll be plenty of space to invite someone else soon.” I spoke, thinking she’d probably rather be in bed with Tom. 

B’Elanna just gave me an odd look and then exhaled heavily. “I…” She started, then shrugged and shook her head. “I guess you’re right.” 

“Stop worrying so much, okay?” I chided gently as I got back underneath the covers. 

B’Elanna sighed and also lay down but I could feel she was still tense.   
The alcohol and the late hour caused me to drift away into a deep sleep rather quickly, and I didn’t realize that next to me, B’Elanna was still wide awake and would remain so for most of the night.

~

When I woke up in the morning, I found myself disoriented, lying alone in another bed.  
B’Elanna came out of the bathroom, already dressed.   
“Good morning.” She spoke briskly and headed to the replicator. “Want some coffee?” 

“Sure.” I nodded sleepily, sitting up in bed as she replicated me a cup and handed it over to me. 

“Thanks.” I breathed, eagerly sniffing the aroma before taking a sip. I frowned, touching my head. “Ugh, I don’t know what was in those drinks that Tom was serving last night… But I definitely had one too many.” 

B’Elanna shrugged. “I wouldn’t know.” She mumbled, going through a stack of PADDs. Then she looked up. “Where is the one with…?” 

I pointed at a PADD on the night stand next to me. “This one maybe?” 

“Yeah, thanks.” B’Elanna took it, browsing the contents. “I’m working on the schematics for the garden’s biosimulator.”

“Did you already go over them with Tom?” I asked, taking another sip of my coffee. 

B’Elanna frowned. “Why would I do that?” 

“Well he has designed many atmospheres for his holoprograms, hasn’t he?” I spoke from behind the rim of my cup to hide my smirk. “He might have some useful input.” 

She rolled her eyes. “Holographic programming really isn’t the same as systems design, you know.” 

“Still, it couldn’t hurt to look at it from different perspectives.” I replied smoothly. “Complex problems often require creative solutions.” 

“Fine.” B’Elanna held up her hands. “I’ll ask Harry to pick his brain.” 

I pursed my lips. That was not what I had in mind, but I let it go.   
“Mind if I use your shower and replicator to get me a uniform?” I asked, pointing at my robe hanging over the chair. “I didn’t think this sleeping arrangement through last night.” 

“Sure.” She nodded, grabbing her PADD. “Make yourself at home. I’m off to work.”   
She headed to the door and then stopped. “I’ll check up on the Doctor’s progress later today. I’ll let you know.” 

“Okay.” I spoke as I got out of bed. “If necessary, you’re of course welcome to stay the night with me.” 

“Thanks.” She opened the door and then turned again to me. “Well, have a nice day.” 

On my way to the bathroom, I passed the mirror and recalled the moment when I had seen myself in that mirror before, that day right after her Pon Farr. And here I was now again, I thought to myself, in her quarters, in my nightgown this time.

B’Elanna was right, I mused, life was different now than it was before. 

~

“Sorry I’m late, Captain.” Kes apologized as she entered my Ready Room. “I was having an interesting conversation with Manu on the use of fertilizer in soil gardens.” 

I waved her in and pointed at the couch. “It’s only coffee, Kes. No need to apologize.” I smiled. “Would you like some, or do you prefer tea today?” 

“Herbal tea please.” Kes smiled as she sat down. 

I replicated the tea for her and a large coffee for me and brought it up the dais, for our brief, informal coffee chat. 

“I hear Manu Wilkes really has taken an interest in the garden project since he was assigned to it.” I continued the conversation as I sat down. 

“He had some really interesting ideas for the soil garden.” Kes spoke earnestly. “He’s been really helpful. Well, most of the time at least… He did manage to damage a coolant line when they were placing the new floor panels in the hydroculture section.” 

“I’ll bet B’Elanna wasn’t too happy about that.” I grinned and Kes laughed out loud at the memory of the incident. 

“No, she really wasn’t.” Kes chuckled, sipping her tea. “The conduit ruptured completely when she was attempting to repair it. She got completely covered in coolant.” 

Smiling, I bit my lip as I pictured B’Elanna covered in the sticky, bright green liquid. “I guess she won’t be in a very good mood tonight then.” I made a face, already wondering what would be the best way to approach her.

“Oh no, that happened two or three days ago.” Kes replied, still snickering. 

I nodded, partly relieved. “Oh, good.”   
But I also felt a little twinge in my gut for missing that. I wouldn’t have minded having her stomp in my quarters all grumpy, or hearing her rant about Wilkes’ two left hands, or even cheering her up only to end up making fun of her for getting covered in coolant –all in good faith of course.

Kes looked at me, suddenly thoughtful. “The Doctor is making good progress on modifying the synthetic pheromones.” She spoke gently. “He said they’ll probably be ready by tomorrow.”

“That’s good to hear.” I replied, taking a sip of coffee. “B’Elanna will be pleased.” 

Kes tilted her head, giving me a thoughtful look. “And you, Captain?” 

The young Ocampan’s face showed such genuine interest, and her question was so carelessly sincere, that I surprised myself with the honesty of my answer.   
“I think I’ll miss her when this is all over.” 

Kes nodded knowingly, as if my answer didn’t surprise her in the least. “Maybe you should tell her that.”   
She drank the rest of her tea and put the cup down on the table. “I have to go. I promised the Doctor I would help him.” She smiled gently. “Thanks for the tea, Captain.” 

“You’re welcome, Kes.” I spoke, watching her go. 

I remained seated on my couch, thinking about what I’d just told her.   
I had to admit to myself that the sleeping arrangement with B’Elanna hadn’t bothered me as much as I thought it would have at the beginning. Of course it had somewhat interfered with my budding romance with Chakotay, but I really would miss B’Elanna when this was all over. Maybe Kes was right, maybe she deserved to know, especially given how guilty she’d felt about dragging me into the whole Pon Farr situation and the ensuing sleeping arrangements.


	6. Chapter 6

In the evening, when I was sitting up in bed watching B’Elanna rummage through her overnight bag, I thought back to my conversation with Kes.   
Was this the last night we would share a bed? 

“This may sound strange, but I’ll miss you when this is over.” I spoke lightly. 

At the far end of the bedroom, I watched B’Elanna stiffen before she half-turned to me. “I’ll miss you too.” She mumbled. 

I chuckled. “You don’t have to say that on my account.” I grinned when she made her way to my bed. “I know you want your normal life back.” 

B’Elanna just got in without saying anything, but instead of lying down on her side with her back to me, as I had half expected, she remained sitting upright next to me on what had become ‘her’ side of the bed. 

I turned to her, pleased that she hadn’t brushed me off.   
“I mean it though. I was hoping we could maybe still spend some time together after this.” I waved my hand around. “You know, lunch or a game of velocity on the Holodeck.” 

B’Elanna plucked at the sheets that covered her knees. “You don’t have to do that.” She spoke softly.

“I know I don’t have to, I want to.” I offered lightheartedly, hoping she could hear the sincerity in my words. But she just scoffed.   
“What?” I continued a little offended. “Is it so hard to believe I actually enjoyed spending time with you?” 

She bit her lip, almost imperceptibly shaking her head. “It’s just… hard to hear.” 

Her answer made me frown. “Why?” 

Her shoulders sagged as she exhaled heavily, but no explanation came. 

“B’Elanna?” I tried again, really wanting to understand. I reached out, putting my hand under her chin and gently turned her face towards me. I had expected her to pull back, but she didn’t resist at all. 

“Look at me.” I urged gently and her eyes fluttered. It looked like she was fighting for the last bit of control, trying hard not to show what was bothering her. But it seemed like she was losing that fight. 

“Tell me.” I whispered, caressing her cheek in an effort to show her I was there for her. 

Her breath trembled as she leaned into the touch, lightly pressing her cheek against the palm of my hand. Then she took my hand in her own, holding it between us.   
Her eyes locked onto mine, open, vulnerable and filled to the brim with emotion that spoke louder than any words ever could have. 

I gasped as I suddenly recognized what they were saying.   
“You have feelings for me.” I breathed, seeing the evidence in her expression. 

A thousand questions ran through my mind, but none could be formulated because B’Elanna roughly pulled back her hand and bolted out of bed. 

It took me a moment to register she was running away from me.   
“B’Elanna!” I yelled after her as I scrambled out of bed. “Wait!”

I heard the doors to the corridor open as I entered the living room, but B’Elanna was still there, standing in front of the opening, not moving.   
I stopped, unsure what to do. 

And then the doors closed before her and B’Elanna sighed and hung her head.   
“There’s only so far I can run, right?” She mumbled dejectedly.

“It’s a big ship, but I’d probably find you eventually.” I replied, purposely keeping my tone light all the while wondering if she would run nonetheless. 

“I still need your pheromones.” She scoffed as she turned around. “I’m stuck here tonight.” She sounded defeated as she walked into the room and sank down on the couch.

I tentatively followed and carefully sat down next to her.  
There were so many things I wanted to ask, I hardly knew where to start.   
“Well, since you’re… stuck here,” I saw B’Elanna close her eyes as I copied her poor choice of words, “maybe we should talk?” 

She sighed. “There’s no need to let me down easy, Captain. I know this will never go anywhere, that’s why I didn’t want you to find out.” Her small smile was forced, filled with resignation. “I understand that you can’t return my feelings.” 

I swallowed at the wistful honesty in her words.   
She was right, wasn’t she? I cared about her a lot. She was a wonderful woman, beautiful even. Yes, we had developed a special connection, and yes, I had started to genuinely like spending time with her. But I didn’t love her in the same way I had seen in her eyes, did I?

I grabbed her hand as I exhaled deeply, needing her to know that these weren’t just some hollow words.   
“I do care about you a lot…” I spoke hesitantly, making sure to make eye contact as I said it. 

She nodded once, taking my answer for the rejection it was and carefully extricated her hand from mine. “It’d be easier if you didn’t…” 

There was a silence for a moment as we both collected our thoughts. 

“You know, I think we both earned a drink.” I turned to her, needing to break the contemplative atmosphere that had settled around us.

B’Elanna sighed. “Now you’re talking.” 

I smiled and headed to the replicator. “Two bourbon, straight up.” 

“Thanks.” She looked at the glass appreciatively as I handed it to her. 

We both took a sip in silence and I focused on the burn the liquid left in my throat, welcoming that small physical discomfort. It occurred to me that we were indeed stuck together for the night. And I didn’t want to make things any more difficult for her than they probably already were.

“Kes mentioned that the Doctor is almost ready with the adaptation of the synthetic pheromones.” I spoke a moment later, wanting to talk but not really knowing where to start.

B’Elanna nodded slowly, letting the bourbon roll around in her glass. “Yeah, I think I’ll get to test it tomorrow.”

I took another sip and swallowed slowly, savoring the burn.   
“So… this is probably the last night you’re ‘stuck’ here.” 

B’Elanna winced at my words. “I didn’t mean it like that.” 

I leaned back against the couch. “I know.”   
I studied B’Elanna who was toying with her glass, noting she still seemed tense. She wasn’t looking at me.

“You know, all this time I thought you had feelings for Tom.” I spoke after a moment, thinking about the way they used to tease each other. It dawned on me that this probably explained her strange reaction each time I had brought him up.

She shrugged as she finally looked up at me. “I guess I could’ve fallen for him eventually, but...” 

“Maybe if it had been him in that cave with you, instead of me?” I ventured, sipping my bourbon. 

B’Elanna took some time, pondering that assertion. “Maybe it would have been easier in some ways…” She ventured. “But the question is would that have been better?” 

I frowned. “What do you mean?” 

“Pon Farr showed me a truth I hadn’t admitted to myself before…” She lowered her head, swallowed, looked for the right words. “I never consciously admitted to myself before that I had feelings for you.” She pursed her lips. “And I think facing these feelings, even like this, is something that I needed to do.” She looked up at me again. “I’m glad it was you in that cave and not Tom.” 

I nodded slowly. “And I’m glad it was you and not Vorik…” I added, pleased to see her features light up a little in a small smile. I felt a surge of caring warmth for her flow through me. More than anything, I wanted to be there for her, to help in any way I could, even if I was part of her suffering.   
“Will you be all right?”

B’Elanna took a large sip of bourbon.   
“Yeah. I just… I think I need to take a step back from all this.” She waved her hand in the air. “Being around you so much, so close… It has been a little intense.” She emptied her glass. “I think I’ll focus on work for a while, designing the garden for example. Some good technical challenges there to sink my teeth in.” 

It probably wasn’t the healthiest coping strategy, but I was hardly one to judge, so I just nodded.  
“I think it’s a wonderful project. I’m really looking forward to see the result.” 

The technical challenges of this undertaking were safer territory and we drifted off into a conversation about system design, biospheres and terraforming.  
It was nice, I thought, sitting with her on the couch, comfortable in our pajamas, drinking bourbon, talking shop into the small hours of the night. 

When B’Elanna finally yawned and I glanced at the clock, we both agreed that we should at least try to catch still a little bit of sleep. I nearly said ‘we should do this more often’, but then it crossed my mind that this probably wasn’t what she’d meant by ‘taking a step back’, so I bit my tongue and hoped deeply that at some point, something like this would be possible again. 

When we slid under the covers and I bid her goodnight in a soft voice, I saw the sadness of earlier appear in her eyes again right before she closed them.   
I felt my stomach contract into a tight ball of what I assumed to be guilt for not being able to return her feelings. It made it impossible for me to fall asleep and I lay next to her wondering if we would still spend time together in the future. I knew it would be selfish of me to ask her for a friendship, given her feelings towards me. But I already keenly felt that I was going to miss her.

The next morning was a rather subdued affair. We were both tired and unsure what to say.

When B’Elanna came out of the bathroom, the Doctor called to inform her that his adaptations were complete and that he expected her in Sickbay at 14h00 for a first dose of the improved synthetic pheromones.

And then B’Elanna grabbed her things and left with a solemn nod, not knowing what to say. It felt final, somehow, like the end of a relationship sometimes did, bittersweet, with regret and the feeling that you failed even though you had tried. 

During my Bridge duty, I sat in my chair preoccupied, my thoughts muddled because of lack of sleep the night before.  
Chakotay kept casting worried glances in my direction, but refrained from asking questions. 

I didn’t join B’Elanna in Sickbay at 14h00, knowing that she didn’t need my presence or my pheromones. Instead I retreated to my Ready Room, thinking about the possible health risks the synthetics entailed. If the Doctor’s adaptations didn’t work, she would need my pheromones again, and I didn’t really know how she would feel about that. Or even how I would feel about that.

“Sickbay to Captain Janeway.” The call came at 14h27.

“Yes Doctor.” I answered in a tight voice. 

“The adapted synthetic pheromones appear to be successful.”   
I could hear his grin over the comm and let out a breath I didn’t know I had been holding. 

“Thank you Doctor. That’s good to hear. Janeway out.” 

The line closed and I sighed. That was it. B’Elanna would work through things on her own and I could continue once again with my life.   
As if on cue, the door chime sounded and Chakotay walked in.

“Everything go okay?” He asked, and I realized he knew very well who had been the cause of my preoccupation on the Bridge. 

I nodded. “It seems these new synthetic pheromones are safe for B’Elanna to use.” 

Chakotay didn’t bother to hide his relief and sat down next to me.   
“Great.” He beamed. “Hopefully she can put this all behind her now.” 

‘And me as well’, I thought, but I didn’t even think about filling him in on what I had learned the night before.

“Care to go sailing this evening?” He continued, obviously in a good mood.

I exhaled and patted his knee. “I’m tired. Maybe some other time?” 

He smiled and turned to me. “How about a homecooked dinner and a game of Durotta instead?” 

I pondered that proposal for a minute. I really was tired, but I had the next morning off so I could sleep in and I actually wanted his company. Plus, I did have to eat anyway.   
“That sounds better.” I smiled.

So that evening I went to his quarters and found that he had really outdone himself, making pumpkin soup and vegetable lasagna. For desert, we moved to the couch, eating coffee ice cream while we played Durotta. 

I was too tired to actually focus on the game and Chakotay won most rounds, but I didn’t really mind, enjoying the warmth of his thigh against mine, his fingers brushing my hand each time he gave me one of the game-pieces and the easy banter between us.   
When he got up to recycle the ice cream bowls, I leaned back to rest my eyes for a minute and without realizing or even intending to, I ended up fast asleep on his couch. 

Chakotay had obviously decided not to wake me, although he had thoughtfully provided me with a blanket.  
So when I woke up, confused about my whereabouts and with a sore neck, at least I didn’t feel cold. 

“Good morning.” Chakotay grinned as I yawned.

“Morning?” I echoed in surprise, checking the time at the chronometer. Indeed it showed it was almost 08h00. I groaned, sitting up fully and noticed that my uniform was all rumpled. “Oh, I fell asleep on your couch.” 

Chakotay brought over a cup of coffee and sat down next to me. “You were out like a light and you seemed like you needed the rest.” 

I frowned, rubbing my neck a little with one hand while drinking my coffee with the other. “Your couch isn’t all that comfortable.” 

“Noted.” He spoke matter-of-factly as he got up. “Next time I’ll take you to bed.”   
I spluttered in response as he put on his uniform jacket, turning around with a cheeky grin. “But for now, I’ll have to leave you to it. I’m going to be late for a meeting. You want to have lunch later?” 

I nodded and he smiled broadly, his eyes twinkling, before he left. 

I finished my cup of coffee and looked around the room, seeing the pieces of Durotta still on the board as they had been at the last game.  
Well, that was it, I thought to myself, I had slept in Chakotay’s quarters. Probably not what he had expected, but clearly he wasn’t about to make the same mistake twice. 

I wanted to take a shower and put on a fresh uniform and briefly considered using his bathroom, but decided I’d feel more comfortable changing in my own quarters. Getting undressed in Chakotay’s quarters somehow seemed awkward. I didn’t feel quite ready for the implications. 

When I was in my own bathroom, taking off my clothes, I thought back to B’Elanna, and how uneasy it must have been for her to undress and sleep here in my quarters, not once, but almost every night for the last two weeks. Suddenly, I found new admiration for how well she’d coped with it all, especially given the fact that she had feelings for me. 

I thought about the adapted synthetic pheromones and I wanted to call her to check how she was doing. I started reaching out for my combadge I had just put on the shelf but I stopped myself, remembering that she had said she needed some space.   
I sighed. It would be best if I didn’t bother her. No need to make things harder for her than they already had been. 

With a jolt I realized that I really missed her. And at the same time, I realized I felt kind of guilty for feeling that way, like I wasn’t supposed to miss her. Perhaps I thought that because she was attracted to me and I couldn’t reciprocate those feelings, that I shouldn’t feel anything else about her either? Or maybe it was because I felt that missing her was somehow a betrayal to Chakotay?   
I frowned, but then shook my head, shrugging off the feeling altogether. 

Turning around to draw myself a bath, I passed the mirror and briefly stopped in front of it, giving my own naked body a scrutinizing look. Not bad for a woman my age. Sure, over the years my body had changed and in some places it wasn’t as firm as it once had been, but I still looked good. I was pretty sure Chakotay wouldn’t complain when he would finally see me naked. B’Elanna certainly hadn’t. 

I walked to the bath and slid into the hot water.   
Apart from the night with B’Elanna, it had been so long since I’d had sex with anyone. I longed to experience that kind of intimacy again, and while my relationship with Chakotay seemed to be heading in that direction, I also knew that I felt a kind of hesitation that I couldn’t quite explain. I wasn’t insecure about my body, or my skills in bed. I loved him dearly and I knew he loved me. Was it me being Captain that held me back? Or was I afraid our relationship would change once we crossed that line? 

I spent most of my morning off soaking in the warm water, trying to find the answer. In the end I decided that maybe I was overthinking it and that I should probably let things happen as they would. With that resolution I got out of the tub, I put on a fresh uniform and went to the Mess Hall to meet Chakotay for lunch. 

He was such a sweet man, I thought as I was sitting in front of him with two bowls of noodle soup in between us. Smart and witty and caring… And even despite our close personal relationship –or more likely because of it– we functioned so well together when it came to commanding Voyager.   
Was there any good reason why I shouldn’t just go for it?

In the turbolift, I stood a little closer to him than I usually did and when he asked me if perhaps that evening I wanted to go sailing with him again, I agreed with a flirty smile. 

We were in the middle of the Bridge, on our way to our respective chairs, when we felt a barely noticeable tremor go through the ship. 

I turned to Harry at OPS. “What was that?” 

He was already working on it. “A plasma conduit ruptured in Cargo Bay Three.” He reported. “Damage Control team is already responding.” 

A knot formed in my stomach as I realized that B’Elanna was working there. 

“Casualties?” Chakotay asked and I subconsciously reached out to the railing for support while I waited for Harry’s answer.

“Only two.” Harry retrieved the info and looked up. “Crewman Wilkes and Lieutenant Torres.” 

“Is she- are they all right?” I spoke, surprised by how tight my voice sounded. 

“They’re both being treated in Sickbay for minor plasma burns.” Harry informed me. 

I nodded and took the couple of steps necessary to get to my chair, sinking down into it, relieved that their injuries were not severe. 

“Any idea what caused the conduit to rupture?” I heard Chakotay ask Harry. 

“Not yet, Sir.” Harry replied. “I’ll let you know when Damage Control reports back in.” 

I wondered if I should go down to Sickbay, but then thought the Doctor would summon me if my help was required. 

Chakotay also took his seat and I felt his gaze on me. “Don’t worry, she’s fine.” He spoke softly. 

I briefly wondered when I had become such an open book to him and whether he thought it was strange for me to be so worried about B’Elanna. On the other hand, given all that had transpired in the previous weeks, wasn’t I entitled to be at least a little bit concerned? 

I smiled back to him and nodded. “I know.”   
But I remained worried for the rest of the afternoon. Even when Sickbay logs showed that both B’Elanna and Wilkes had been cleared for duty, I had to fight the urge to call her and check for myself. But I didn’t, wanting to respect her need for some space.

Much to my surprise, she called me herself that evening, when I was just about to leave my quarters for my sailing trip with Chakotay.

“Torres to Janeway.”

My heart skipped a beat when I heard her voice, and my thoughts immediately went to the incident with the plasma conduit.   
“Janeway here. Are you all right?” 

“I’m fine, Captain.” B’Elanna replied. “I… wanted to…” She seemed to hesitate, but then I could hear her draw a deep breath and continue. “I thought I might show you the progress we made with the plans for the garden.” 

My eyebrows rose in surprise, not having expected that. But then a smile crept over my face, as I realized that, of her own volition, she was offering to spend time with me.   
“That would be nice.” I answered warmly. “I would love to get an update.”

“Great.” Could I hear a smile in her answer too? “Uh… are you free… now?” 

“Now?” I echoed, glancing at the chronometer. Chakotay was expecting me on the Holodeck in ten minutes. “Well… I actually have plans this evening.” I replied apologetically. It felt like I was brushing her off, so I elaborated. “I’m going sailing with Chakotay.”

“Oh… Okay…” I cringed at B’Elanna’s obvious disappointment. “My fault, I shouldn’t have bust this on you so last minute. It’s not urgent anyway.” 

“I could come by tomorrow.” I interrupted her, clasping my hands together, hoping she wouldn’t change her mind about wanting to spend time together. 

There was a brief silence.   
“Yeah?” The hopeful note in her voice put a knot in my stomach.

“Sure.” I smiled. “I really want to see the results of all the work you’ve put in already.” 

“Great!” It was clear now that she was smiling too. “I’ll see you tomorrow then.” 

I grinned. “See you tomorrow. Good evening, B’Elanna.” 

“You too Kat-Captain.” 

The grin stayed on my face even after the line had closed and I felt somewhat elated at the prospect of spending time with her again. Had she found a way to come to terms with her unrequited feelings? Would we still have a shot at building the friendship I had hoped to have with her?

The chronometer beeped and I cursed, hurrying out of my quarters to meet Chakotay. 

“What are you smiling about?” He grinned as he saw me running down the pier. 

I didn’t feel the need to explain everything to him. “Just happy to go sailing again.” I offered as he held out his hand to help me on the boat. 

“That makes two of us.” He put his arms around me and held my gaze. “Ready for this?” 

“Ready.” I breathed.

~

It turned out I wasn’t so ready after all. 

The sailing trip had been great. There was a nice breeze and Chakotay and I had really enjoyed each other’s company, with laughing, flirting and even one or two lingering kisses. The air had been filled with promise, a prelude to something more. 

After sailing, we walked back to my quarters and it felt only natural for me to invite him in for a nightcap. We both knew what it would lead to as he accepted and followed me inside.   
I stood in front of the replicator to get two glasses of bourbon and felt him coming up behind me. His strong arms circled my waist and he kissed the top of my head. 

Leaning back against his strong torso, I relished the warmth of his closeness and left the bourbon forgotten on the replicator pad. I found that a part of me was wishing I could stay in his arms forever, feeling safe and loved. 

Chakotay lowered his head and softly kissed my neck. With a smile, I closed my eyes and tilted my head to the side to give him better access, enjoying the sensation. 

And then he lightly bit my earlobe and my mind immediately flashed back to when B’Elanna had done the same during Pon Farr.   
I gasped, momentarily confused as I vividly remembered the images and feelings of that particular night, and shook my head to clear it. I didn’t want to think about that right then. I wanted to focus on Chakotay. 

Of course Chakotay noticed my reaction and pulled back. “Everything okay?” 

I nodded and took a deep breath in an effort to get my mind back to the present. Then I turned around in his arms and brushed my lips over his to kiss him and tried to recapture the earlier mood again. 

It worked partly. His lips were warm and soft and he ran his tongue gently over mine. In response, I deepened the kiss and as he pulled me closer, I could feel his arousal.   
It was obvious that he desired me. Maybe not in the hungry, carnal way that B’Elanna had, but it was unmistakable that I had an effect on him. 

I tried to focus on that, on his body against mine, but I still felt like I wasn’t really getting into the moment. Fragments of that night with B’Elanna kept resurfacing and intersecting with reality. Chakotay’s touches and kisses blended in my mind with the memories of similar actions from B’Elanna to a point where I wasn’t even sure what was actually happening and what wasn’t.  
Confused, I pulled back again. “Wait, I can’t…”

Breathing hard, Chakotay looked at me and frowned when he saw the look on my face. It showed no elation or pleasure as he had probably expected, but rather confusion and uncertainty. 

I placed my hand on my forehead, trying to focus on my breath, but it didn’t really help to stop the memories from resurfacing.   
I felt at a loss, unsure if I could carry on this way.

“What’s wrong?” Chakotay asked, tilting my chin so he could look me in the eyes. 

I saw the disappointment in his gaze as he searched my eyes and realized that I wanted him to stop. There was a brief flash of frustration followed by resignation.   
His arms fell to his side and he turned away from me, running his hand over his face as he sighed.

“I’m sorry.” I offered. It sounded lame to my ears but I didn’t know what else to say. I wondered what he was thinking. 

He exhaled heavily and headed for the door.   
“Let me know when you’ve made up your mind about this.” 

I knew I deserved that, but his words still hurt.   
“Chakotay…” I called after him and he stopped and turned around.

“What? What, Kathryn?” He spat. “You want to go for another round? Getting my hopes up yet again and then turn me down another time?” 

“I’m sorry.” I repeated as I cast down my gaze, feeling my stomach constrict in guilt. I didn’t think I could explain this properly to him without it sounding like I was just thinking about someone else while kissing him, so I continued on the excuse he’d wrongfully deduced last time because I thought it would be more palatable: that I felt we were going too fast.   
“I just don’t feel… ready.”

“It didn’t take you that long to decide you would sleep with B’Elanna.” He huffed, but then bowed his head to soften his audacious words as he noticed my mouth falling open at the statement. 

It was just his frustration talking, I knew that, but I still thought it was uncalled for.  
“Maybe you should go now.” I spoke icily. 

Chakotay simply shook his head angrily as he turned around again and left.   
“Goodnight Kathryn.” 

As the doors closed behind him I exhaled heavily and sank down on the couch, wondering what on Earth was happening to me. 

~

A night of tossing and turning, left me with nothing but a headache and the conclusion that I would keep some distance from Chakotay until I had figured out what was going on. I also thought that seeing B’Elanna in a professional setting might help dispel the images that plagued my mind of her during Pon Farr.   
In that light, I decided not to go to the Bridge when my shift started, but to go directly to Cargo Bay Three instead. I’d promised B’Elanna last night over the comm that I would stop by for a status update anyway. 

I spotted her in the vicinity of where the plasma conduit had blown up yesterday and absently noted that the repair crew did a good job. 

“Captain.” B’Elanna smiled as she noticed my presence. She got up to greet me. “I hadn’t expected you this early.” 

“I had some time…” I explained. Then I noticed the pink skin on her cheek where the Doctor had treated her plasma burns yesterday and I reached out to tilt her head so I could see it better. “Are you okay?” I asked, remembering how worried I’d been about her the day before. 

Her eyes widened briefly as I touched her face and I dropped my hand again, not wanting to make her feel uncomfortable. 

“Yeah, it was just a stupid accident.” She pointed at the men still working on the floor panel. “Wilkes is fine too. If he hadn’t already shut off part of the EPS network right before the conduit exploded, it could have been a lot worse.” 

I smiled at Wilkes, glad to be hearing that for once he wasn’t the cause of an incident, but had rather prevented a larger one from occurring. “Well done, Crewman.” 

Manu Wilkes beamed in pride. 

B’Elanna took me by the elbow and guided me further into Cargo Bay Three, to the biosimulator she had been building. 

“This is what I wanted to show you, Captain.” She spoke proudly. “As we discussed, setting up and maintaining an ecosystem is all about balance. In essence we’re creating a living and interacting system with biotic and abiotic components.” She pointed at the modifications that were being made to the floors, walls and ceiling of the room. “We’re currently installing all the equipment required to generate, monitor and adjust the abiotic components of the system: light sources, temperature regulators, nutrient recyclers, moisture controllers and so on.”

I looked at the different systems she had mentioned. There were tubes and valves, sensors, optronic relays and many other things in various stages of installation. “And all these systems will be controlled by the biosimulator to create a sort of biosphere.” I added, thinking back to our previous conversations on the topic. 

“Actually,” B’Elanna grinned, “that’s what I wanted to show you…” She placed her hand on a console to her right. “The biosimulator design was based on our current climate control system and only controls the abiotic components of the system. But, there are also many biotic components in an ecosystem that influence its balance: the plants themselves, small animals, fungi, bacteria, viruses,… Controlling their life cycles is a much more complex task, far too complex for a simple biosimulator.” 

I nodded in understanding. “I’d say so too.” I mused. “It would probably require a complete computer core processor.” 

“Or…” B’Elanna countered, her eyes twinkling. “An adaptive heuristic computer program using bioneural circuitry.” She tapped the console. “Meet TAMAR.” 

“TAMAR?” I asked, intrigued. 

“The garden’s Total Autonomic Monitoring and Adaptive Regulation system.” B’Elanna grinned. “Kes came up with it. Apparently ‘Tamar’ is also the name of a goddess who controlled the weather. Early Georgian mythology, I believe.” 

“Apt.” I smiled and then looked at the display in awe. “You created this system?” 

“More like I combined different elements from existing systems on Voyager.” B’Elanna explained. “I got the idea to include the biotic components while wearing the cortical monitor. Given the complexity of biotic data, a complete simulation of the ecosystem is not possible because of the large amount of computer memory it requires, as you just said.” 

Her eyes were gleaming as she spoke, filled with enthusiasm about her project. “But then, I watched the Doctor interpret the data from my monitor to adapt my treatment and I figured, why not let the biosimulator do its job for the abiotic compounds and then create a kind of ‘Doctor’ to interpret the data and make adaptations to the biosphere to maintain its balance in real time?” She grinned. “Of course we wouldn’t need a complete Doctor, just the diagnostic subroutines and some pre-programmed basic knowledge of biological systems.” She shrugged. “The rest is just a matter of adaptive heuristic learning, which is something the bioneural circuitry in the gelpacks could easily be used for.” 

“Brilliant.” I stated, impressed by her technical prowess. B’Elanna Torres was one of the most exceptional engineers I’d ever met. And yet she didn’t seem to realize how truly gifted she really was. 

“How autonomous is this system? Do we still need to intervene?” I asked, not wanting her passionate explanation to end just yet. 

“Well, we’ll still have to do some things.” She tilted her head. “As we plan to eat the produce we could never make it a fully closed ecosystem. That means that next to harvesting, there will be some other tasks we’ll have to do ourselves, like planting certain new seeds, some pruning or supplying certain chemical or biological agents.” She tapped the display. “But even then, the system will give recommendations.” 

“That’s a really impressive piece of work B’Elanna.” I turned to her as I spoke. “Your technical abilities never cease to amaze me.” 

“Thanks Captain.” She accepted the compliment humbly. “But I had a lot of help from Kes, Harry, Manu, the Doctor…” 

I smiled and turned to Wilkes and his colleagues who were working at the nutrient recycle system a couple of meters away. “This TAMAR system looks impressive. You’ve all done a great job with it.” I praised. 

Wilkes looked up from his work and grinned at me. “Thanks Captain.” 

I smiled back and then turned to B’Elanna. “Wilkes really seems to have found his place here.” I offered, thinking back to the many incident reports I had seen in the past that had had his name on them. 

B’Elanna nodded. “Yes, he’s really doing a good job. I never thought I’d say those words and, you know… mean them.” She chuckled. “But he’s interested in the work and he gets along great with Kes. He’s always talking to her about the things he wants to grow in the garden.” 

“So it’s him I’ll have to bribe to get my coffee plants…” I grinned conspiratorially. 

“You’ll have to run it by TAMAR too.” B’Elanna’s eyes twinkled. “But before that, we’ll have to finish building it and then train its systems, step by step. I’m afraid you’ll still be stuck with replicated coffee for quite a while.” 

I sighed theatrically. “Well, at least it’s hot coffee now, since you fixed my replicator.” 

B’Elanna smiled, pointing at her toolkit. “If it acts up again, let me know.” 

“I will.” I nodded. And then I thought of something else she’d fixed for me. I quickly looked around to confirm we were far from prying ears.   
“It occurs to me I also never got around to thanking you for repairing the music box my father gave me either. That must have taken quite an effort.” 

B’Elanna shrugged. “I once got an old watch from my father, you know, one of those ancient pocket watches men used to wear on a chain. It was broken, so I opened it up and spent several days figuring out how it was supposed to work before fixing the part that was broken. Compared to that watch, fixing the music box was fairly easy.” 

I looked at her fondly, having no trouble picturing a young B’Elanna bent over the inner workings of a watch, trying to figure out what was wrong.   
“Still, I’m very happy to have it working again. It means a great deal to me.” 

“It’s the least I could do.” B’Elanna spoke, lowering her voice a little. “Considering everything you’ve done for me.” 

I tilted my head as I studied her face. Was she still feeling guilty for what had happened? I gently reached out to touch her hand, to get her attention.   
“I’d do it all again.” I spoke sincerely, looking her in the eyes. Saying the words, I realized how true they were. Although we had been forced together by circumstance, I had never truly felt like I was doing anything against my will. Not even during Pon Farr. 

And as I continued to look in her eyes, something clicked and it felt as if my mind suddenly unlocked all the details of those memories fully. As I stood there, I remembered exactly how good I had felt that night. How much I had wanted to touch her, how sensual it had all been, how alive I had felt. 

Luckily B’Elanna chose that moment to look down and nod her head once, accepting my words for what they were: an indication that she shouldn’t feel guilty for anything that had happened between us. 

I stood there, just thinking about everything that had happened between us and it filled me with desire for her. In fact ‘flooded’ was a better description. It felt as if every cell of my body was being drawn towards her and realized that, above anything else, I wanted to experience that closeness with her again. It was a feeling I had never felt before in my life.

It excited and frightened me at the same time and my heart was beating loudly in my chest as I examined that thought.  
I had no choice but to admit to myself that I was indeed attracted to her. Somehow it just made sense. I had been too preoccupied with my feelings for Chakotay to recognize that attraction for what it was. 

Suddenly afraid that my thoughts might be clearly visible on my face, I looked down and randomly fumbled with a piece of pipe that was lying around in an effort to appear casual. 

In the meantime, B’Elanna -oblivious to my revelation- had picked up the conversation again. She was pointing towards the piping I was holding and talking to me about a technical challenge she and her team were facing with automating the garden’s nutrient cycling. 

She seemed unaware that I wasn’t hearing half of it and I tried desperately to nod in the right places so she wouldn’t notice that I was trying to make sense of this unexpected revelation, that I knew deep down made sense but that I had a hard time wrapping my head around. 

Somewhere in B’Elanna’s explanation –I hoped near the end of it– I couldn’t take it anymore and mumbled something about being late for a meeting with Tuvok.   
I needed some time alone to figure out what it all meant. For me, for her, for Chakotay. 

If B’Elanna thought I was acting strange, she didn’t mention it. We simply said our goodbyes and I made my way to Deck One, feeling like I really needed to sit down and have a cup of coffee before I lost my mind completely. 

When I entered the Bridge, Chakotay turned his head towards me, and barely acknowledged me before turning back to the viewscreen.   
It seemed he still hadn’t forgiven me for my dismissal of him the night before. 

Suddenly I felt my headache come back and sighed. I wasn’t feeling up to sitting next to him so I sounded a general ‘good morning’ to the Bridge Staff and headed towards my Ready Room, hoping that some solitude would help me to calm down and make sense of it all. 

My peace and quiet lasted all but a minute, as Chakotay entered my Ready Room shortly after.

“Are you avoiding me now?”   
His body language clearly showed he was not amused.

I sighed, leaning back in my chair. “No, I’m not avoiding you.” I briefly played with the idea of using work as an excuse, but he deserved more than that. “I just… need some time, to figure some things out.” 

He shook his head, not understanding. “What things? And how much time, Kathryn? We’ve been doing this dance forever.” He was getting agitated and exhaled deeply, obviously in an effort to calm himself. 

When he spoke again, his voice was much softer.   
“I would just like to understand what is bothering you right now. We’ve always been able to talk to each other.” He leaned forward, searching my eyes. “Please, Kathryn, just talk to me. Whatever it is, we can deal with it together.” 

“Okay.” I sighed and held up my hands. “Okay. I’m sorry if you’re feeling like I’m shutting you out. I don’t intend to.” I paused, sighing again as I slowly shook my head. “I’m just not sure I understand it myself.”   
I leaned forward to grab his hand. “So please, will you give me some time to figure things out? I promise I’ll talk to you when I’m ready.” 

The look in his eyes softened and he took my hand in his. “Let me know if I can help.” 

“Just give me some time.” I whispered. 

He nodded, squeezed my hand again and then got up. “I love you.” He spoke softly as he backtracked towards the door. 

I gave him a small smile as guilt wracked through me. “I love you too.” I replied, watching him leave. 

It was true, I thought as the doors closed behind him. I did love him. But what was I supposed to tell him? That I also seemed to be attracted almost beyond reason to the woman I had been trying to help with a medical issue? And that my desire for her seemed so strong that I would risk my longstanding, steadily deepening relationship with him? 

I gasped as that thought occurred to me. Was that really how it was? Would I sacrifice what I had with him for my physical attraction to B’Elanna? It shocked me to think that. And at the same time I knew deep down that I wanted to do that very thing. 

My head was spinning with too many thoughts at once as I headed for the replicator.  
“Coffee, black.”   
With my hands clutched around my cup, I sank down on the couch. 

I thought about how visceral my attraction to B’Elanna seemed to be, and how very unlike me that was. I had always been the cerebral type, usually prioritizing a good conversation over engaging in physical closeness. But with B’Elanna, while I loved to talk ‘science’ with her, there was no denying that I also lusted for her in a way that I had never experienced before.

Not for the first time, I wondered if Pon Farr was affecting me as well. However, I had already been to Sickbay once with that assumption and the Doctor had found no evidence to support my theory then. And other than this sudden strong attraction, there was nothing else wrong with me.  
Although, as I thought about it, the realization may have been ‘sudden’, but the attraction itself had most likely been simmering below the surface for a while.  
I probably just hadn’t paid attention to the signs. 

Ever since Pon Farr, I’d unknowingly grown closer to her to the point that I really missed her when she was gone.  
And then there was the way I’d subconsciously been sabotaging my progressing relationship with Chakotay… 

I sighed when my thoughts turned again to Chakotay. I thought about how he had divulged his feelings for me on New Earth through and ancient legend of an angry warrior who devoted his life to a formidable woman warrior, standing by her side, carrying her burdens, putting her needs first.   
All because doing so brought him inner peace. 

I knew my involvement in B’Elanna’s Pon Farr had already tested his peace. I just hoped that with this, I wouldn’t destroy it altogether.   
I would have to tell him, eventually. I had promised him I would let him in on what was bothering me. But I couldn’t bring myself to do so yet. Not if I hadn’t figured out what it meant. 

Because that was the real question, wasn’t it? Now that I had finally realized that I liked her, what was I going to do about it?   
The enormity of that decision seemed to paralyze me. The otherwise so critical part of my brain was no use either, seemingly thinking ‘well I did my part and helped you figure it out, now you deal with the consequences’. 

Luckily the door chime saved me from thoughts running in circles and I remembered I had a meeting with Neelix that I hadn’t even taken the time to prepare for.  
I grabbed the PADD containing the ship’s inventory that was waiting on my desk and recycled my cold coffee as I let Neelix in. Luckily he didn’t seem to notice that I hadn’t read his report, but I still felt guilty so I made up for it by giving him my undivided attention.   
Any thoughts, about B’Elanna or Chakotay, would have to wait until after my duty shift.


	7. Chapter 7

I found it was B’Elanna whom my thoughts kept returning to after my duty shift. Not surprising maybe, but still I didn’t know what to do with those thoughts. Their implications unsettled me. Did this mean I was in love with her? Or was this only lust?  
I had always admired her sharp mind, I found her witty and even charming when she wanted to be, and recently, Pon Farr had added an extra layer to our connection.   
But what did it all mean?

I didn’t know what I hoped to find when I stood in front of her quarters later that evening. Answers, yes, but I had no idea what questions to ask.   
My finger hovered over the door chime and pressed it, almost of its own volition, and two seconds later, the door opened in front of me.

“You’re early! I still have to find my mall-” B’Elanna stopped as she looked up and saw me standing in the doorway. “Captain! Uh… come in.”

I blinked, surprised by the giddy quality I’d discerned in her voice before she’d realized she was talking to me. Then I also noticed the tight Parrises Squares outfit she was wearing. She clearly had plans for the evening. 

Somehow that thought stumped me.  
“I… I’ll come back another time.” I brought out with a stutter, wanting to turn around.   
But I didn’t manage to walk away.

B’Elanna frowned when I didn’t move. “Is everything all right?”   
Then she leaned towards me and briefly looked left and right into the corridor before she grabbed my hand and gently pulled me inside.   
“Kathryn?” She urged, searching my eyes to figure out what was going on.

I swallowed as I became aware of two things. The first was how my stomach pleasantly dropped as she used my name instead of my rank. And the second was that she was still holding my hand. 

“I…” I croaked, but I didn’t get any further than that. Looking into her eyes, I felt my body respond to her presence and I bit my lip, unsure how or even whether to act upon the attraction I suddenly felt so clearly again. 

B’Elanna’s eyes widened slightly and she tilted her head, looking at me in confusion.   
Just as she opened her mouth to speak, the door chime sounded and a flash of irritation crossed her features. With a sigh, she let go of my hand and reached out to open the door. 

“Got your mallet LT? The others are meeting us there.” Susan Nicoletti’s grin turned into surprise when she saw me. “Oh, good evening Captain.” 

I turned my head to greet her and noticed she was wearing the same outfit as B’Elanna. That was my cue to leave, I realized, as they obviously had planned a game of Parrises Squares on the Holodeck. But before I could even try to politely excuse myself, I heard B’Elanna speak. 

“You’ll have to go without me Susan. The Captain needs my help with something.” 

“Oh.” The disappointment in Nicoletti’s voice was clear. “Okay LT. But I don’t see how we can win without you.” 

“Just make your defenders keep the others away from the ramp and you’ll be fine.” B’Elanna patted Susan’s shoulder and firmly directed her out the door.  
Immediately she turned back to me, searching my face intently. 

A shudder ran through my body as I felt the pull of desire once again, and at that same moment I saw B’Elanna’s nostrils flare. My eyes widened as I realized I’d seen her do that once before, in my quarters, when she had picked up on a surge in my pheromones.   
Even in the dim light, I could clearly see that her pupils were dilated this time as well. 

“Kathryn?” B’Elanna whispered hoarsely. “What’s going on?” 

I swallowed hard, realizing that she was probably trying to understand the reason for the massive amounts of pheromones I had to be excreting.

“I’m here…” I started, and then stopped, and suddenly recalled saying exactly those words during Pon Farr as well. Not knowing how else to convey my thoughts, I reached out and touched her cheek. 

Her eyes fluttered when my fingers made contact with her skin and she leaned in with a soft sigh.  
Hesitantly, I brushed her lip with my thumb and moved closer until our noses practically touched, while our gazes remained locked, each searching for confirmation in the other’s eyes.

It felt like everything in the universe was holding its breath, waiting for what was about to happen.   
In perfectly orchestrated movements, as if we’d done it already a thousand times, we both tilted our heads and closed the distance, letting our lips meet in a tentative kiss. 

My heart was thundering in my chest like I had just run a marathon when I pulled back a little, licking my lips, questioning for a moment if I was doing the right thing.   
But the barely controlled hunger in B’Elanna’s eyes, quickly convinced me that the only right thing to do was kiss her again and so I did, with more passion this time. 

And then there was no more hesitation, no more doubt in my mind that this was the right thing to do, and I acted purely on instinct and the desire to touch her. Much like during our night of Pon Farr, I was surprised at the feelings of desire that she stirred up inside me and how freely I allowed myself to express them. 

I tangled my fingers in B’Elanna’s hair and she moaned, placing her hands on my back to pull me even closer. My heart fluttered in my chest as we kissed hungrily, her hands roaming over my body, while mine were still tangled in her hair. Taking things a little further, I grabbed a fistful of the dark and sturdy locks, much like I had during Pon Farr, and pulled her head back a little. 

She hissed, but judging by the feral look on her face, she didn’t mind one bit. Her dark lips set in a teasing grin, and she brought her hands to my hips, slowly positioning her thigh between mine, pressing it gently but firmly against my center, boldly asking for permission to continue.

In response, I let out a guttural groan and briefly released my hold of her hair. Immediately she took advantage of that to kiss me again and I grabbed her shoulders to steady myself.   
The bulky extra padding on the left side of her Parrises Squares outfit was in the way, so I tugged at it. 

“You won’t need that.” I grunted between kisses.

“Mmm, are you sure?” She grinned back but she took the time to get rid of the protective gear, leaving her in what was essentially a blue catsuit. 

“Definitely sure.” I murmured, letting first my eyes and then also my hands roam over the skintight fabric hugging her curves. “Does this thing have a magzip or should I transport you out of it?” I taunted huskily. 

B’Elanna grinned as her hands started to open my jacket and push it off my shoulders. Then she plucked at my shirt and I helped getting it over my head before I kissed her again, but she leaned back, holding me by the shoulders at arm’s length, biting her lip.

“What?” I breathed, suddenly feeling self-conscious and unsure. Did she want to stop? 

Gently, she reached behind my head.   
“I really want to run my fingers through your hair…” She whispered, tentatively touching my tightly made bun. “Every night, lying beside you, I have wanted to…”

I reached behind my head to take out the pins that held it all together and shook my head to loosen my hair completely.

Almost uncharacteristically tender, B’Elanna reached out and reverently caressed it.   
“God you’re beautiful.” She murmured, and then as if suddenly embarrassed about the softness of her words, she kissed me hard again, keeping strands of my hair entwined between her fingers the entire time.

There was a raw hunger in her kiss that set me on fire and I pressed myself against her, fruitlessly tugging at her catsuit.   
“Take it off.” I ground out, needing to feel her skin against mine. 

The suit turned out to have a surprisingly handy magzip at the back and I peeled it off her urgently, baring her skin. 

Touching her was different now than it had been during Pon Farr, I noted. It was still about vulnerability and control, but the focus had shifted from the physical sensation to include our tentatively built emotional connection as well. The carnal roughness and power play from before had become more subtle and seductive, which only served to increase my appreciation for it.

B’Elanna’s deep brown eyes locked onto mine when I trailed my fingers over her bare skin and I watched, mesmerized, as she trembled with desire. Seeing the effect my actions had on her, set my blood on fire. It only intensified my yearning for her and our touches gradually evolved into a very sensual game of giving and taking pleasure until we eventually wound up sprawled on her bed, both panting from exhaustion and utterly satiated. 

My breathing slowed gradually, lying half on top of B’Elanna, listening to her heart beating rapidly in her chest. Its cadence was unusual and I vaguely wondered if she had inherited a Klingon eight-chambered heart from her mother’s side of the family. 

I let out a long contented hum and felt her chuckle underneath me.   
Then she shifted a little bit, and her fingers, that had been playing with a strand of my hair, stilled. 

“Not that I didn’t thoroughly enjoy it, but… what just happened here?”   
Her voice seemed a little higher pitched than normal, uncertain of what my answer would be. 

My mind was still coming down from its high, and I lifted my head a little and smiled lazily at her, unwilling to make the transition to reality so abruptly.   
“Remember when we were talking about Pon Farr this morning and how I told you I would do it all again if necessary?” I spoke softly, seeing how she nodded once. “Well,” I continued, my voice taking on a husky quality, “I realized then that I very much wanted to do it all again, even if it wasn’t a medical necessity…”

B’Elanna grinned and touched my cheek. “So you came here to seduce me?” 

“It worked, didn’t it?” I wiggled my eyebrows.

She made a face. “You’re weren’t exactly playing fair, coming in here exuding pheromones like that. I never stood a chance.” 

“Are you calling me irresistible?” I teased, enjoying our closeness and the light banter while I gently traced patterns on her stomach. 

She weaved another strand of my hair between her fingers and lightly tugged at it. “No, I’m calling you a cheater.” She grinned.

I smiled, but her choice of words gave me pause. A cheater. Was that what I was?

Almost as if she could read my mind, B’Elanna spoke again, her voice once more hesitant and serious.   
“So where does this leave us?” 

Realizing I would have to face reality sooner or later, I lifted my head, propping my chin on my hand as I looked at her. I had come to her quarters with similar questions. Had I found the answer?  
“What do you want this to be?” I asked her in turn.

She sat up and I did too so we could have this conversation face to face.   
“You know what I want.” She spoke softly, reaching out to touch my cheek. “But…” Her hand fell back on her lap. “What about you and Chakotay?” 

The vulnerable look in B’Elanna’s eyes made me realize what I wanted.   
“I want to explore this.” I whispered, taking her hand and holding it between mine. 

B’Elanna looked at our hands and when her eyes met mine again, she bit her lip.   
“You didn’t answer my question…” She replied softly.

I realized I had never talked about Chakotay with her and I exhaled, wondering how to explain what I felt. But before I could do so, she pulled back her hand with a sigh. 

“I’ve seen the way you look at each other. I know how close you are.” She shook her head, resigned. “Hell, half this ship participated in a betting pool on when you’ll get together. And the only reason the other half didn’t, is because they think you already are together.” The look she gave me was challenging and doubtful at the same time, as if she was hoping I would deny it, but already knew that I couldn’t. 

I sighed. “It’s complicated, B’Elanna.” I spoke softly and I saw her close her eyes as her shoulders sagged. But I knew I had to say it as it was, without trying to sugarcoat it. “Yes, I do love him and yes, if it hadn’t been for Pon Farr, I might have even married him at one point.” I reached for her hand again, looking her in the eye. “But everything that happened in the last couple of weeks has made me realize, albeit a little late, that it’s not him that I want.” I looked into her eyes. “It’s you.” 

“How can you be sure what you want?” B’Elanna spoke, looking crestfallen. “You don’t even know what this is.” She gestured between us with her free hand. “Or if it’s even going to work.” 

“You’re right.” I breathed. “But I do know how I feel when I’m with you. The energy I get from talking shop with you, the flutter of my stomach when you touch me, the surge of warmth I feel whenever I see you somewhere on the ship…” I paused, looking into her eyes intently, wanting her to understand the depth of those feelings.   
“Chakotay makes me feel safe and loved, but you… you make me feel alive.” 

B’Elanna took my hands in hers. “And what happens when you’ve satisfied your curiosity?” She asked. “When this is no longer new and exciting, but difficult and infuriating and you start to think that maybe you’re more compatible with Chakotay after all?” 

“No one can predict the future, B’Elanna.” I replied honestly. “I can’t give you any guarantees, just like you can’t give me any either. What if you decide you’d rather be with Tom?” 

B’Elanna shook her head. “There’s a difference here, Kathryn.” She urged. “I know how deeply you care about Chakotay.” She sighed. “Are you sleeping with him too?” 

Her directness took me by surprise, but I told her the truth.  
“No.” I looked her in the eyes. “We did come close once or twice recently, but I couldn’t… because I kept thinking about you.” 

“Does he know that?” She asked. 

I shook my head and exhaled. “Obviously he knows something is going on… but he doesn’t know about my feelings for you.” I shrugged. “I just told him I needed some time.”

Wearily, B’Elanna looked down. “I feel bad for coming between you two, but… at the same time I don’t, you know?”

I nodded slowly, looking at our still joined hands. “I know.” I whispered. “But I’m glad you did. Because if it hadn’t been for Pon Farr, I may have never realized how much I want to be with you.” 

She looked up and I held her gaze as I licked my lips. “And I really, really want to be with you…” I whispered, leaning forward to kiss her softly, trying to convince her of the depth of my feelings. 

B’Elanna seemed hesitant for a moment, but groaned when she gave in. “How can I say no to you with all your pheromones flying around?” She murmured against my lips. “I guess I won’t need my shot today.” 

With a sultry look, I straddled her. “Don’t take the shot.” I breathed. “Take me instead.” 

I watched in delight as her eyes widened. 

“Yes Ma’am.” 

~

When the alarm sounded in the morning, we’d only been asleep for a short time. I blinked with a groan, then smiled as I felt B’Elanna’s arms tighten around me from behind. I snuggled deeper into her embrace, enjoying the kind of closeness I’d had to miss for far too long. 

“Mmm, good morning.” B’Elanna murmured against my hair.

“I can’t believe it’s morning already…” I yawned. “You kept me up all night.” 

B’Elanna snorted behind me. “Did it occur to you…” she started, delicately tucking my hair behind my ear so she could kiss my neck, “that maybe you’re the one who kept me up all night?” 

I grinned and turned, and she caught my lips in a kiss. That was all it took to stir up my desire for her again, even if my body had been thoroughly lavished with attention during the hours before. 

When I felt B’Elanna’s leg slide between mine, I broke the kiss and groaned.  
“You know, as much as I’d love to stay here with you and debate the semantics of who kept whom up, I have a meeting with Tuvok at 08h00 and I will definitely need a sonic shower at some point before that.” 

As B’Elanna moved off me, she let her eyes wander over my body and licked her lips. “Too bad the shower’s not big enough for both of us.”

“You know,” I smiled as I sat up, “I have a bath tub that probably is…”

“We should definitely try that some time.” She grinned. “Now go shower while I fix us some breakfast.” 

“Where have you been all my life?” I only half-teased, thinking how nice it was that she would make me breakfast. Usually I only had coffee, on the go. 

“Right here, perfecting my recipe for steamed Gagh.” She deadpanned. 

I laughed heartily. “In that case, just coffee will suffice, thanks.”   
I heard her snort as I made my way to the bathroom. 

A minute later, the sonic pulses gently massaged my body and I closed my eyes and thought back to the night I had just spent with B’Elanna. The sex had been sensual and vigorous, but most important, it had felt very natural. That in itself surprised me as I had never slept with a woman before, nor did I have any experience with a Klingon. In fact all of my previous sexual encounters had been with men, and generally speaking rather on the vanilla side of things. 

Being with B’Elanna was certainly more intense and different in many ways. So far, it had been a very interesting journey of discovery and the thought of further exploring this new territory excited me tremendously. But I also felt at ease when I was with her in a way that I hadn’t expected. I could almost describe it as a sense of belonging and I wondered how much the neurochemical bond that was forged during Pon Farr had to do with that. 

I stepped out of the shower and noticed that B’Elanna had left a freshly replicated uniform and a sonic toothbrush on for me in the meantime. 

While brushing my teeth, I looked at myself in the mirror. My face showed minor signs of not getting enough sleep, but that was nothing new. What was new however, was the rosiness of my skin, a faint blush on my cheeks that one might attribute to the sonic shower. But I knew better.

Instead of recycling my toothbrush, I placed it on the shelf, next to B’Elanna’s, figuring I’d need it again in the future. It was an oddly satisfying thought.   
I put on my uniform, bar the jacket, and grabbed a static hairbrush to style my hair and put it in a bun. 

When I left the bathroom with my jacket over my arm, B’Elanna was at the monitor on the wall. She was wearing a dark green silk robe that was loosely tied around her waist and apparently checking her neurochemical readings.   
I approached her and let my arms encircle her waist, pressing up against her back. 

“Everything all right?” I spoke softly in her ear, feeling a surge of warmth flow through me as I felt her lean back against me.

“Better than all right, I’d say.” B’Elanna grinned, tapping the screen. 

I dipped my head down to place a kiss at the base of her neck. “Good.” 

She made an ‘uh-oh’ sound and I looked up, worried.   
“What?” 

“Guess I’d better avoid Engineering today.” She grimaced. “The team lost their Parrises Squares match last night against Sensor Analysis.” 

“Ha.” I grinned. “Well, you have to decide who you’d rather scores points with… Your crew or me?” 

B’Elanna turned around in my arms, biting her lower lip as she looked me in the eye. “Definitely you.” She whispered, before delicately kissing me. 

I felt my stomach tightening at her touch, so tender and full of promise. But before it could get out of hand, she pulled back. 

“Breakfast.” She spoke resolutely, taking my hand to guide me to the table where she’d put a pot of coffee and some toasted banana bread. 

I would have settled for just coffee, but as I didn’t want this time with B’Elanna to end, I sat down and took a slice of the bread. I smiled appreciatively as I took a bite. “This is quite good.” 

B’Elanna chuckled, sitting down next to me and holding up her own slice. “You know, as a kid I used to think this was called ‘B’Elanna bread’. That’s was what my grandmother used to call it when she made it for me.” 

With a grin, I leaned in and kissed her, then licked my lips. “Well, you taste just as sweet.” 

“Wait until you try my Gagh.” B’Elanna grinned, as she cupped my chin and kissed me again.

“Oh, will you look at the time…” I deadpanned, watching the smile on her face. Then I actually glanced over at the chronometer and groaned. “I really should go though…” I added apologetically. She nodded and I got up, putting on my jacket.

“Will I see you later?”   
It was said lightly, but I thought I could distinguish a small note of insecurity. 

I held her gaze as I smiled broadly, feeling my knees weaken as she smiled back. “Definitely.” 

~

“Thank you Tuvok.” I spoke to my Chief of Security when we finished our tactical discussion. 

He nodded once, and I expected him to leave, but he remained in front of my desk, so I questioningly looked up.

“There is one other matter I’d like to discuss with you.” Tuvok tilted his head. “It concerns Lieutenant Torres.” 

I felt my body stiffen. The way he brought up her name, with some hesitation and after all the official topics had been handled, either meant that it was a personal or a delicate matter. If he knew about us, it was probably both.   
“What about her?” I managed to bring out, feeling my heartbeat quicken. 

Tuvok frowned as he tilted his head. “Maybe I’m being overly cautious, but as Chief of Security it is my duty to point out the things that may pose a possible risk to the smooth functioning of this ship.” He started. 

I felt my throat go dry. He knows, I thought, and he doesn’t approve. 

“It has come to my attention that Lieutenant Torres is developing an artificial intelligence that will maintain the ecosystem of the garden that is being built.” Tuvok spoke.

I blinked rapidly, surprised at the turn the conversation had taken, and searched my brain for knowledge about the subject.   
“TAMAR, yes.” I uttered, remembering the conversation I’d had with B’Elanna the day before. 

Tuvok nodded once. “I would be negligent not to point out that the use of a bioneural based program with heuristic abilities poses a potential security risk. As Voyager’s systems run on similar technology, we must take measures to avoid that this artificial intelligence can take control of the entire ship.”

I nodded dumbfounded. “Good point.”  
In a way it was funny, I thought, that Tuvok could still surprise me. Because I could have sworn he had found out. 

“I have not yet been able to speak with Lieutenant Torres directly.” Tuvok continued. “But with your permission, I’d like to bring this concern to her as well and make sure she understands that the strict separation between TAMAR and Voyager’s bioneural circuitry is essential for the continued good functioning of the ship.” 

I frowned at his last words. Was this conversation a metaphor for my relationship with B’Elanna after all? Was he worried about it influencing ship’s business?   
I eyed him suspiciously, but it was hard to be sure. 

“Your concerns are noted, Lieutenant.” I replied. “I’ll ask B’Elanna to ensure security risks are minimal.” 

If this really was about our relationship, I wondered if he was going to talk to her as well.   
“If that’s all?” I concluded, indicating that we were finished as far as I was concerned. 

I watched the door close behind him and shook my head, wondering if I had been imagining things or not. 

Then I shrugged and stifled a yawn. Ordinarily after my morning meetings were over, I took my seat on the Bridge, but I felt that I needed some more coffee first. So I got up from behind my desk to replicate a cup and on impulse I ordered some more banana bread to go with it. 

I sat down on the couch with a smile as I nibbled on the sweet cake. Not exactly a healthy choice, but it was delicious and I was really hungry. 

I thought back to the comment Tuvok had just made, but I still couldn’t figure out if he had meant anything by them or if he was just being Tuvok.   
With a shrug I took another bite. I’d probably find out soon enough. 

As I got up, the door chime sounded and I responded automatically. “Come in.” 

Smiling good-naturedly, my First Officer strode into the room. “Good morning.” 

I suppose I should have expected to see him. And I suppose I should have expected the onslaught of guilt that suddenly wracked my body.   
But somehow I hadn’t thought of how the look of love in his eyes would make my stomach clench, how it would make the bile rise in my throat.  
My knees suddenly couldn’t support the burden of my betrayal and I sank back down on the couch. 

Chakotay took this as an invitation to join me and handed me a PADD as he sat next to me. “Next week’s duty rosters.” 

I didn’t see anything as I went through the motions of scrolling through the roster and pressing my thumb to approve. All I could think of was how I had chosen to be with B’Elanna, and how I had somehow managed to suppress any thoughts regarding the consequences it would have on my relationship with him.   
I recalled the dream I’d had a couple of nights earlier, where Chakotay had been strangling B’Elanna and I’d had to intervene. 

“Everything all right with B’Elanna?” Chakotay asked.

I froze for a moment, wondering if he already knew. But the look on his face was innocent. 

“Word around the water cooler is that you spent the night in her quarters again.” There was a hint of a smile playing around his lips. “Is she okay?” He added, with friendly concern. 

The scene of my dream played before my eyes again. B’Elanna looking up at me, eyes pleading. And my own hands, holding the pain stick, ready to strike Chakotay down.   
He never saw it coming…   
“I slept with her.” 

The grin stayed on his face at first, as he didn’t realize what exactly I had just confessed. But then, as he assigned meaning to my words, the grin’s essence disappeared and, due to the inertia of his facial muscles, turned into a grimace for a split second, before disappearing altogether.   
“What?” 

I bit my lip as I watched his frown deepen with confusion and disbelief, as he searched my face for confirmation he’d heard correctly, all the while wishing desperately he’d misunderstood. 

But my serious demeanor must have dashed that hope pretty quickly because the look in his eyes hardened and he clenched his jaw.  
“Why?” It was uttered sharply, lined with anger.

I stared down at my hands that were still holding the PADD, drawing up the courage to speak the words. They came out as a whisper, but somehow still clear as day.  
“I have feelings for her…”

There was a silence as Chakotay took in that statement.  
As I looked up, he fixed his gaze firmly on me. “I don’t understand.” He frowned.

‘That makes two of us’, I wanted to say. ‘I don’t understand any of it either. This all just… happened and I got caught in the middle.’   
But before I could even begin to speak, he continued.

“I thought you had feelings for me?”  
His gaze burrowed into mine, almost pleading for me to confirm that. 

Suddenly I was at a loss for words. How could I explain that I did have feelings for him, that I cared so deeply for him, but that I also had feelings for B’Elanna? And that the two were very different and didn’t mutually exclude each other?   
“Chakotay…” I started, not knowing how to continue. 

Next to me, Chakotay exhaled heavily at my slight hesitation and looked down. “Well, that says it all, doesn’t it?”   
He got up from the couch, shook his head as he looked at me, and then made his way to the doors. 

I half got up too. “Wait, let me explain.” I pleaded at his receding back. 

Chakotay stopped in front of the door and half turned before answering. “I think I’ve made enough of a fool of myself for now.” 

“No. Chakotay!” I raised my voice, wasting no time to follow him out of my Ready Room and onto the Bridge. I slipped inside of the turbolift doors just before they closed, half wondering what the Bridge Crew had made of that brief scene. 

I turned to him as the turbolift started its brief descent.   
“I never meant to hurt you.” I spoke softly, hoping he would look at me. 

But he remained fixated on the turbolift doors in front of him and when they opened after a brief ride on Deck 2, he stepped out and walked to his quarters with big steps, making it difficult for me to keep up.   
Not waiting for an invitation, I followed him inside and stopped as he came to a standstill in the middle of the room. 

I waited for him to say something, standing close, but not too close, trying to give him some space. I almost felt grateful when he finally looked at me. 

“All our late night conversations, our dinners, our sailing trips,… Did any of it even mean anything?” He asked softly.

I swallowed, holding his gaze. “Of course it did.” 

“Does it still mean anything?”   
The question hung in the air, laden with emotion. 

I exhaled, fully aware he didn’t want to hear what I had to say. “Our friendship means everything to me.” 

“Friendship.” He scoffed, taking a step closer to me. “Is that what you call it when you kiss someone and then sleep with someone else?” 

He was verbally lashing out and I knew that I deserved that, but it still hurt.   
“No.” I whispered, searching his eyes. “Friendship is what I call loving someone so deeply that you can’t imagine your life without them. Someone you feel safe with, someone who stands by you, no matter what.” 

He frowned. “And you think that’s what we had?” 

I inwardly cringed at his use of the past tense. “I hope we still do.” 

He laughed mirthlessly. “If you really believe we’re friends, then why did you kiss me? Why did you lead me on?” 

Filled with shame, I hung my head. “I didn’t mean to lead you on.” I spoke hoarsely. “I thought it was what I wanted but…” 

“But then you slept with B’Elanna and you figured it all out?” He spat, stalking through the room. “So suddenly I’m your friend and she’s… what? Your lover?” 

I opened my mouth to counter his snide remark, but he continued, coming to a halt in front of me. “How long have you been sleeping with her behind my back anyway?” 

“Just once.” I whispered dejectedly, realizing that there was little hope of Chakotay even remotely looking past his bruised ego in that very moment. And I couldn’t say I blamed him. 

With a sigh, he sank down on the couch. “Are you… together now?” 

“Yes. No. I don’t know.” I answered truthfully. Although I really wanted to be with her and I felt the same was true for her, we technically hadn’t really settled that yet. 

“But you have feelings for her…” Chakotay stated noncommittally, repeating my earlier words.

I nodded sharply. “I do.” Although I knew it would hurt him, I stated my words with conviction, feeling that if I didn’t, it would be a betrayal to B’Elanna.

When he looked up at me, I noticed a sadness that had crept into his eyes.   
“All because of Pon Farr?” 

I had wondered about that myself. If all the events surrounding B’Elanna’s Pon Farr hadn’t happened, or had happened without involving me, would I still have developed feelings for her?   
“It certainly had an influence.” I admitted, knowing in hindsight that my encounter with her then had sparked a desire in me that was at least part of my attraction to her. But I knew it wasn’t just that which had made me fall for her. If anything, it had been nothing more than a catalyst.

“Did you think of the possibility that maybe Pon Farr affected you as well?” Chakotay asked, a small note of hope creeping into his words.

I bit my lip as I tilted my head. “The Doctor found no evidence of that when I asked him to examine me…” I replied, dashing his hope that this could all be attributed to mere biology.

His shoulders sagged and it broke my heart to be the one who was responsible for his pain and anguish.  
“I never, ever, meant to hurt you…” I whispered, feeling tears prickle behind my eyes. 

I swallowed when he looked up at me, bracing myself for any kind of emotion he might throw at me.

But he just sighed wearily. “I’d like to be alone now.” 

I held his gaze for a moment, the sight of him blurring by tears that flooded my eyes.  
“I so sorry…” I whispered hoarsely before turning around and leaving his quarters, wondering if I had effectively lost his friendship for good.


	8. Chapter 8

I hadn’t gone back to the Bridge, or even my Ready Room, after leaving Chakotay’s quarters, instead opting to work from the small desk in my own quarters. As Captain, it was my prerogative after all to work where I saw fit.  
But I also had to admit that Chakotay’s reaction –although entirely justified and understandable– had rattled me.

It was a little later when the doorchime sounded. I looked up, wondering if it was Chakotay, back for more. I wasn’t sure I felt up for the next round.  
But I relaxed when I saw B’Elanna enter instead.

“You told him…” She spoke as she walked towards me, stopping in front of my desk.  
It was a statement, not a question and I frowned, wondering how she knew. 

“Does everybody know?” I asked dejectedly, well aware how my personal life had seemed to be everybody’s business in the last few weeks. 

Leaning against my desk, B’Elanna shrugged. “There are about a dozen theories circulating on what exactly is going on between you, me and our First Officer.” She tilted her head and frowned. “For some reason, many of those theories seem to involve pain sticks…” She paused for comical effect and grinned, pleased at the small chuckle she had managed to get from me before continuing. “But as far as I know, no one actually got the story right.” 

I sighed and got up, running a hand over my face, as I walked towards the window.  
But before I got there, B’Elanna grabbed my hand and tugged me closer.

“I heard from Harry you practically ran after Chakotay when he stormed out of your Ready Room.” She looked me in the eyes, her expression soft and caring. “I guess he didn’t take it very well?” 

“No, he didn’t.” I whispered, remembering the look of betrayal in his eyes.

B’Elanna reached out and delicately touched my cheek. “Give him some time.” She offered gently. “He loves you, and this hurts.” Her hand fell back down. “But because he loves you, he’ll come back to you.” 

I searched her face, wanting to believe her more than anything. “Do you really think so?” I bit my lip. 

She nodded and then pulled me closer. “Come here.”  
Her arms slid around me, enveloping me in a soothing hug and as I leaned in and allowed myself to be physically comforted in what I suddenly realized to be the first time in years. I buried my face in her neck and deeply felt how much I had missed this kind of contact since being stranded in the Delta Quadrant and how alone I had truly been. 

“It’ll be okay.” B’Elanna whispered in my hair as she sensed me holding on to her. 

I sniffed, unsure if I was feeling overwhelmed by what had transpired with Chakotay or by being held so lovingly.  
“I feel terrible doing this to him.” I croaked.

B’Elanna’s hands stroked my shoulders. “I know…” She murmured, then she pulled back and tilted her head. “Why don’t you come down to the garden with me? Spend some time calibrating the nutrient flows, instead of sitting here alone surrounded by reports?”

My eyebrows rose. “You want to cheer me up by inviting me to do menial work?” 

B’Elanna held up her hands. “It’s probably not the most original coping strategy.” She shrugged. “But it usually works for me.”

I glanced at the stack of PADDs on my desk. The prospect of sitting here alone for the rest of the day, with nothing but requisition reports and my own thoughts was not a very appealing one. And I sure wasn’t against occasionally getting my hands dirty.  
I looked back at B’Elanna. “Okay.” 

Only a couple of people were working in the garden when we entered. Kes and Crewman Jor were setting up water tanks in the soon to be hydroculture area and Manu Wilkes was working at the ceiling in an anti-grav unit to install air purifiers.

B’Elanna greeted all of them as she walked in and went over to where Wilkes was working. “Manu, the Captain and I are going to calibrate the nutrient flows. Whatever you do up there, make sure you stay away from that system.” 

“Okay LT.” He grinned and mock saluted, nearly dropping his hyperspanner. “Looks like my rain simulation will have to wait.” 

B’Elanna rolled her eyes, stepping aside to avoid any possible falling objects and shook her head. “I mean it Manu. No shenanigans.” 

I laughed as she walked me to the area where all the precursor chemicals that could be converted to actual nutrients for the garden were stored. The piping and controls were already in place and ready to be calibrated and checked for performance. 

We worked mostly in silence, each focusing on our respective tasks, and from time to time, our gazes crossed. Mindful of the handful of other people in the room, each time B’Elanna threw me a private smile. And each time, I could feel my stomach flutter and I wondered if I ever would have believed this kind of thing to be real. It made me wonder what else I was yet to discover with her.

After the last alignment was done, I placed my microresonance scanner in the toolbox and approached my Chief Engineer.  
“All done.” 

She eyed me for a moment and a small satisfied smile played around her lips. “You look like you feel better.” 

I nodded concedingly, realizing that this menial work had indeed managed to lift my spirits. “I do. Thanks for the suggestion.” Then I smirked. “I knew there was a reason I kept you around.” 

B’Elanna looked up at me from under her eyelashes. “That the only reason?” She asked quietly, her voice a little lower than before.

Suddenly the little sparks in my stomach ignited in a flash of heat, resulting in a burst of pheromones that made her pupils dilate in response.

B’Elanna cocked her head, her voice rough as she spoke. “You know, I was planning to get dinner with these guys in the Mess Hall, but I can cancel-” 

“Cancel.” I breathed, holding her gaze as I swallowed in order to remain in control of the desire that was coursing through my body. “Meet me in my quarters in five.” 

I heard her address Kes, Jor and Wilkes as I walked out of the room, saying that they should go ahead without her and licked my lips in sudden anticipation.  
These surges of desire felt almost like a drug, and yet she was the one who was addicted to me. 

When I reached my quarters, I took my jacket off in rough moves as I wondered how long it would take her to get there.  
My entire body seemed to be buzzing, which gave me an interesting idea.

I was rummaging through the top drawer of my dresser, having just located what I’d been looking for as I heard the doors open and close. 

B’Elanna’s hands circled my waist before I could turn around.  
“What’ve you got there?” I could hear the smile in her voice.

I turned around, presenting her the object, and licked my lips.  
“Well, it’s not a pain stick, that’s for sure.”  
I switched it on and the low buzzing sound following my words served as proof.

With a wide grin, B’Elanna grabbed me by the shoulders and maneuvered us both in the direction of my bed. 

It was a while later when we both lay spent and the buzzing sound was replaced by our heavy breathing and… the ungracious rumbling of B’Elanna’s stomach.

I lifted my head and looked at her quizzically as she started laughing. 

“What? I did miss dinner for this.” 

I chuckled. “It’s all about priorities, Lieutenant…” 

Before B’Elanna could respond, her stomach rumbled again and she sat up, scooting to the end of the bed and getting out of it. “I’m going to replicate us something to eat. Are you in the mood for something particular?” 

“Mmm, surprise me.” I smiled stretching luxuriously on the bed, realizing that I was in fact hungry as well.  
I sat up as B’Elanna entered the room again, curious as to what she had replicated. But when she put the tray of food down, I raised my eyebrows.  
“Seriously?” I eyed the hamburgers and fries skeptically. 

“If you’re going to keep working me this hard, I’m going to need the calories.” She grinned. “Ooh, forgot the beer.” She jumped off the bed and headed for the replicator again. 

The fries did smell good and I took a few as I examined a hamburger. 

B’Elanna returned with two uncapped bottles of beer which she placed on the floor next to the bed and sat next to me, eagerly reaching out for the other burger.  
“Mmm, oh yeah, that hits the spot.” She grinned blissfully after taking a huge bite. 

I took a bite as well, albeit a little more hesitantly. But I had to admit that although the food was greasy, it was oddly satisfying.  
“Not bad.” I agreed and tilted my head. “I can feel my arteries clogging up already.” 

B’Elanna dangled a couple of fries before me. “If you don’t like this ‘fine cuisine’ ma’am, I can certainly replicate you some salad…” She teased.

“A salad?” I feigned offense as I snatched the fries from between her fingers and reached for my beer. “I’ll have you know I’m not a rabbit.” I grinned, taking a swig. 

“Are you sure?” B’Elanna deadpanned. “Because just earlier, we were really going at it like ra-”

I snorted, causing some beer to go in the wrong direction and coughed as I laughed at the same time. 

B’Elanna looked worried for a second, but when I mock glared at her she started laughing even harder. 

“Sickbay to Captain Janeway.” The Doctor’s voice cut through our giddiness.

I attempted to regain my breath as I reached for my jacket to tap my combadge.  
“Janeway here.” 

“Captain, could you come down to Sickbay as soon as possible? It concerns Commander Chakotay.” 

Suddenly serious, I looked at B’Elanna, whose demeanor had also sobered at the urgent note in the Doctor’s voice. 

“Of course Doctor. I’ll be right there. Janeway out.” I responded curtly, already out of bed and in search of my clothes before the comm line had closed. 

I briefly trailed my fingers over hers as I took the shoes B’Elanna silently offered me and saw my own worry reflected in her eyes. 

“I’ll be right back.” I told her softly as I put on my jacket and headed for the door.

In the turbolift I put my hair in some semblance of order and when it arrived on Deck Five, I briskly walked towards Sickbay, striding in as the doors opened.  
“What-”

I stopped short when I saw Chakotay, with bruised and with a bloody lip, standing in one corner of the room, jabbing at the Doctor and Tom with a high chair he had picked up as they tried to get close to him.

“Commander, you must let me treat you!” The Doctor spoke with a raised and impatient voice. 

“Stay away from me!” Chakotay bellowed, his words slightly slurred. He looked like he had been in a bar fight. 

“Come on Chakotay, put that down.” Tom tried, using a more sympathetic voice. But his strategy didn’t seem to be any more effective. 

I instantly understood why my presence was required.  
“Chakotay!” I barked sharply and, as I had expected, my second in command’s eyes immediately swung towards me.

“Put that down.” I spoke in a calm but commanding voice, noticing that although Chakotay was still holding up the chair, at least he wasn’t wielding it at the Doctor anymore. He blinked and squinted slightly, as if he couldn’t really get a clear image of me. 

“You’re injured.” I added more softly, approaching him with my hand outstretched. “The Doctor needs to take a look at your head.” 

From the corner of my eyes I saw Tom and the Doctor trying to get closer, signaling me to keep distracting him.  
“Why don’t you lie down on the biobed.” I continued, holding his gaze and trying my best to assuage him.

I was getting closer, but before I could touch him, he wildly swung the chair in my direction first and then hurled it towards the Doctor and Tom who jumped back to avoid it. 

“What do you care?” He bellowed at me. 

“I care, Chakotay. You know that.” I tried to shift the focus back to the matter at hand. “You hurt your head. Please, let the Doctor help you.”

“I don’t need his help. Or yours!” He shouted, swaying a little on his feet.  
“Why don’t you go back to your girlfriend and leave me alone.” He roughly ran his hand over his mouth, smearing blood all over his face in what turned out like a grotesquely painted smile. 

“Chakotay, please.” I uttered. “You’re bleeding.” 

He shrugged. “I like to fight rough.” Then he licked the blood from his hand and grimaced at the abhorred look on my face. “What’s the matter Kathryn?” He sneered. “I thought you approved of a good fight. Your girlfriend certainly does. I heard she nearly kicked Vorik straight into the afterlife when she fought him.” He tauntingly referred to B’Elanna’s Pon Farr, obviously still troubled about everything that had occurred then. 

But I refused to go down that path with him in his current state.  
“Lie down on the biobed so the Doctor can take a look at your injuries.” I spoke in a low and authoritative voice, focusing on his obvious need for medical care. The rest would have to wait until we were in a more private setting.

Angrily, he started taking a step towards me. “I don’t-” He growled, but then twitched, seemed to lose his balance and sank to the floor.

“Chakotay!” I shrieked and ran towards him. Immediately the Doctor and Tom were also by his side. 

“Get him on the biobed.” The Doctor ordered grimly, waving his tricorder over Chakotay’s head as Tom and I strained to lift him. “He has a subdural hematoma. I’ll need to operate immediately.” 

I blanched and felt my stomach contract as I watched the Doctor gather and prepare his instruments while summoning Kes over the comm to assist him.  
She beamed in mere seconds later and immediately rushed to the Doctor’s side, inquiring as to what had happened.

The Doctor briefly filled her in and Tom and I stood helpless to the side, watching the focused flurry of activity around the ship’s First Officer. 

“Will he be all right?” I asked in a tight voice.

“Depends on the severity of the damage.” The Doctor responded curtly. “The next few hours will be critical. I suggest you return in the morning.” 

He focused back on his patient and I sighed, realizing I should not distract him further. “Keep me posted please.” 

“We will, Captain.” Kes took the time to answer before Tom and I walked out of Sickbay.

I turned to Tom in the corridor. “What happened to him anyway?” 

Tom shrugged, and lightly shook his head. “I found him unconscious in the Holodeck. Apparently he had been running a Nausicaan boxing program with the safeties off. He came to after I beamed him to Sickbay and refused to let the Doctor treat him. You were there for the rest.”

“Nausicaan boxing without safeties?” I mumbled. “No wonder he looks like that.” 

“Yeah.” Tom nodded, frowning as he watched me with scrutiny.

“Thank god you found him.” I sighed. “I guess there’s nothing to do now but wait…” I added weakly, my worry for Chakotay’s wellbeing weighing heavily on me.  
“Well, goodnight Tom.” I spoke before turning to head for the turbolift. 

“Goodnight Captain.” Tom responded behind me. “And give my regards to B’Elanna.” 

I briefly closed my eyes as it dawned on me that Chakotay had probably provided more information than Tom had been previously privy to. It likely wouldn’t take long for the rumor mill to catch up.

Inside my quarters, I found B’Elanna waiting for me. All traces of burgers and beer seemed to have disappeared.  
“What’s going on?” She asked anxiously, getting up as I entered.

I sighed and sank down on the couch. “Chakotay has a subdural hematoma. The Doctor’s operating now.” I spoke mechanically. 

“What?” She sat down next to me. “What happened?” 

I briefly recounted the events as they had occurred and when I was finished, she took my hands in hers, watching me intently. “Will he be all right?” 

I swallowed and sighed again as I rubbed my forehead. “The next few hours are critical. I asked the Doctor to keep me posted.” 

B’Elanna bit her lip and squeezed my hands. “You should try to get some rest in the meantime.” 

I shrugged as I got up, knowing she was right but realizing it would be futile to try as every time I closed my eyes I saw Chakotay collapse in front of me.  
“I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep…” I whispered. 

She positioned her hand between my shoulder blades. “How about a hot bath instead?” 

My whole body felt stiff and rigid with tension and worry and a hot bath was probably the only thing that would allow me to relax marginally. So I turned to her and found myself nodding in agreement.  
How uncommon it was to have someone take care of me in that fashion, I fleetingly thought as she guided me to the bathroom. And how uncommon it was for me to allow it.

I mechanically removed my uniform as the tub was filling and slid into the hot water, leaning back into B’Elanna’s waiting arms.  
The heat slowly seeped into my muscles and I exhaled deeply, allowing at least my body a reprieve. But my mind kept working overtime.  
“What if he doesn’t make it?” I voiced the question that I couldn’t stop thinking about.

B’Elanna’s arms tightened around me. “That would be… really hard on all of us…” She whispered. 

I had expected her to rebuff my question, figured she’d tell me not to think about that and to hope for the best instead. But the simple honesty of her actual answer soothed me, as if a mere recognition of the horridness of the question made it lose its power over me.  
“Yeah.” I swallowed. “It would be.” 

I bit my lip as I faced the other feeling that made it hard to breathe.  
“I feel so guilty…” I whispered, suddenly feeling tears sting behind my eyes. “If it hadn’t been for me, he-”

“You weren’t the one who punched him.” B’Elanna interrupted softly, speaking the words I had more or less expected as I had already thought them as well.  
“You didn’t order him to run that program without safeties.”  
I felt her shake her head. “Nausicaan boxing without safeties…” She muttered to herself. “He could’ve gotten himself killed."

Suddenly I sat up and turned towards her, feeling the water slosh around us. “Do you think that’s what he was trying to do?” I asked her, alarmed. “Do you think he was trying to kill himself?”

I watched her face as she genuinely pondered the question.

“No.” She replied after a moment. “No, I don’t think so.” She tilted her head, her eyes focusing on something unseen at the edge of the tub. “I think maybe he just wanted to feel a different kind of pain. A physical pain, to drown out the emotional one…” The words hung in the air for a while before she suddenly shrugged and looked down at her hands. “That’s what some people do, anyway.” 

I studied the carefully masked expression on B’Elanna’s face. It was clear there was a story there that she didn’t want to share. So instead of asking her about it, I put my hand over hers and squeezed softly.  
She responded with a brief half-smile and drew me back in her embrace, supporting me in silence for a long while until I spoke again. 

“Tom knows, about us.” 

She frowned. “How so?” 

“Before he lost consciousness, Chakotay mentioned you as he was yelling at me.” I clarified. 

“Not in a nice way, I can imagine.” B’Elanna winced behind me and it occurred to me that our newfound relationship had not only altered my friendship with Chakotay, but hers as well.

“Actually no.” I offered. “He referred to you as my girlfriend and also praised your fighting skills during your fight with Vorik in an attempt to demonstrate that I condoned fistfights.” 

B’Elanna blinked. “And what did Tom say?” 

I sighed. “Nothing really. Just that I should give you his regards. I’m quite sure he put the pieces all together.”

B’Elanna shrugged. “Let’s deal with that when the time comes.” 

“Yeah.” I nodded. One problem at a time. 

We sat in the water until it chilled and then moved to bed. Lying in B’Elanna’s arms, I even managed to sleep for a couple of hours until a chirp of my combadge woke me up. 

“Sickbay to Captain Janeway.” 

I scrambled for my combadge and pressed it. “Janeway here.”  
B’Elanna’s hand reached for mine and pressed it hard. 

“The operation appears to be successful and Commander Chakotay’s condition has stabilized. He should wake up soon.” 

I released a breath I didn’t know I had been holding.

~

I entered Sickbay and the Doctor immediately made his way over to me and directed me to his office. 

“Captain. You’ll be pleased to know that the Commander’s neurological scans show that he’ll make a complete recovery.” He reported happily. 

I nodded and craned my neck to look at Chakotay on the biobed. “That’s good to hear Doctor. Thank you for your excellent care.” I stepped aside to go see my First Officer, but the Doctor blocked my path. 

“The Commander really needs his rest.” He spoke apologetically. 

“I won’t take long, I promise.” I replied, knowing that the Doctor usually allowed me a couple of minutes anyway in this sort of case.

This time however, he didn’t budge. And a look of compassion appeared on his face.  
“He specifically asked me not to let you see him. I’m sorry.” 

I closed my mouth with a snap as I registered his words, the feeling of rejection stinging behind my eyes. “I see.” I uttered, swiftly glancing in the direction where Chakotay was sleeping, or at least pretending to be asleep. “Thank you Doctor.” 

I turned to the door of his office that led directly to the corridor and exited Sickbay, feeling shaken, thinking that if Chakotay had wanted to make me feel as bad as I had made him feel, he’d certainly succeeded.

I sought refuge on the Bridge, not trusting myself to be alone with my thoughts in my Ready Room. I briefly considered finding B’Elanna and keep her company, but I knew she was planning a primary system’s test for TAMAR that morning and that I would only distract her.

Tuvok vacated my chair and took Chakotay’s instead, serving as acting First Officer as long as Chakotay was incapacitated. The rest of the Bridge Crew was quite junior, as Harry was with B’Elanna for the system’s test and Tom had the morning off.

“Report.” I barked to the young ensign at OPS whose eyes widened simply because I looked at her. She stammered something about all systems being nominal and I just nodded curtly, almost wishing for an alien vessel to appear that started shooting at us without warning.

Normally, on an uneventful morning on the Bridge like this, I would lean over to Chakotay and just start a conversation about whatever topic was relevant at that given time. Sometimes the whole Bridge Crew would chime in, sometimes it stayed between the two of us, but that conversation, the easy banter, was always there.  
Yet with all that had now happened, I wondered if I would ever have it again. 

~

A whole morning of silence on the Bridge was enough to chase me to my Ready Room after all.  
I had been going through reports for the better part of the afternoon when B’Elanna walked in, just before the end of my shift, sporting a big grin.  
She stopped in front of my desk, turned her head and pointed at her neck. “Tadaa!” 

It took me a second to realize what I was seeing, or not seeing in this case.  
“Your cortical monitor is gone.” 

“Yup.” She smiled excitedly. “The just Doctor replaced it with a small subdural implant that monitors my neurochemical levels autonomously.” She pushed her hair out of the way and I could see a small bump underneath her skin at the base of her skull, right below her hairline. “He also implanted a small capsule containing synthetic pheromones, so the implant can also regulate my neurochemistry if necessary.” 

“That’s great.” I beamed, getting up and rounding my desk. I lightly trailed my fingers over the bump before I kissed her. “Although I’m guessing it won’t have to regulate much, given all the pheromones I’ve been sending in your direction.” I added flirtingly. 

“True.” B’Elanna grinned, kissing me again. “But it still feels good to know that I’m not completely dependent on you.” 

“I can understand that.” I nodded, knowing that she had struggled with that issue. “In my absence, how long would this pheromone supply last?” 

“The Doctor estimates a couple of days.” B’Elanna replied. “He was actually still researching a way to implant a bigger capsule, but since he figured out, thanks to Chakotay’s big mouth, that we’re seeing each other, he figured this size was probably acceptable.” 

I ran my finger over the slight bump caused by the implanted capsule again. “Did you speak to Chakotay while you were in Sickbay?” I asked offhandedly. 

“No, he was already discharged to his quarters.” B’Elanna responded, taking my hand and playing with my fingers. “Why?” 

“I went over there this morning but he didn’t want to see me.” I whispered. 

B’Elanna squeezed my hand. “You’re going to have to give him some time to come to terms with this…” 

“I know.” I sighed reluctantly. “I just… hate that I hurt him and I… miss him.” 

B’Elanna drew me in her arms. “Give it time…” She whispered in my hair.

I exhaled deeply against the side of the throat. “Patience isn’t exactly my strong suit.” I grumbled, feeling her chuckle. I leaned back so I could see her face. “I’m more of a ‘have my cake and eat it too’ kind of girl.” 

She grinned affectionately at me, slowly shaking her head. “Cake. Now that’ll clog up your arteries.” 

I smiled. “Speaking of, do you have dinner plans?” 

“Actually…” She hesitated, then made a face. “Poker night with the guys.” 

I knew poker night was usually a long-standing arrangement. “Of course.” I conceded.

“You’re welcome to join.” B’Elanna added immediately. 

I grinned and shook my head. “No, thanks.” I lightly kissed her on the lips. “Will you come over afterwards? Or will you be testing your new implant?” I delicately traced the small bump at the base of her skull.

She bit her lips and her eyes twinkled. “Nah, I’ll test it some other time. I’d love to come over. Might be late though…” 

“I don’t mind…” I whispered, then kissed her again, deeper this time.

“Mmm…” B’Elanna moaned, pulling back. “You’re going to make me all hot and bothered and mess up my poker face.” 

I laughed heartily and placed a chaste kiss on her lips. “Just giving you a little teaser for tonight, in case you were still on the cusp.” 

She grinned and lightly kissed me back. “See you later.” 

~

Alone in my quarters, sitting on my couch with I book I couldn’t focus on, I found my thoughts returning to Chakotay. And although I knew B’Elanna was right and I had to give him time, I still found myself getting up, walking out of my quarters and down the corridor, pressing his doorchime.  
Much to my surprise he granted me access. 

Chakotay was sitting on his couch, holding a PADD. He made no move to get up, nor did he invite me to sit down, so I just lingered at the door, uncharacteristically uncomfortable.

“How are you feeling?” I asked, not sure if I was referring to his physical or his emotional state, or both.

“Like I went one round too many with a Nausicaan.” Chakotay replied evenly. There was only a small fraction of his usual warmth present in his voice. 

I swallowed and nodded as he remained silent.  
“Are you back on duty tomorrow?” I continued the strained conversation. “It’s not the same with Tuvok in your chair.”

From his spot on the couch, Chakotay sighed. “Look, Kathryn, I will serve as your First Officer, same as I always have. But for the rest, I think it’s best if we keep our distance for a while.”

The resolve with which he spoke made it obvious that the topic was not up for discussion. I would have to give him time, as B’Elanna had also stated.  
I bowed my head, conceding to his wish. “For what it’s worth,” I offered, “I never meant to hurt you.” 

He accepted my words stoically, the only movement the slight rising and falling of his chest as he breathed.  
“Good night, Captain.” He spoke finally, leaving me no other option than retreat. 

Back in my quarters, I headed for the replicator and ordered a bourbon, neat. I downed it in one go, closing my eyes at the trail of fire it left down my throat, and immediately ordered another, which I put next to me as I sank down on the couch.

I sat quietly for a long while, gazing at the stars and letting my thoughts wander, thinking about Chakotay, B’Elanna, the garden, New Earth, Earth, my family, …  
I must have dozed off eventually, because when I opened my eyes I saw B’Elanna sitting in the armchair, nursing my bourbon. 

“What time is it?” I croaked, half getting up and rubbing the sore muscles of my neck. 

“Late.”

In the dim light I saw B’Elanna take a sip of bourbon. Something in her posture made me frown.  
“Everything all right?” 

She swirled the amber colored liquid around in her glass and tilted her head. “Did you know that not a single person on this ship, not even one, originally bet that you and I would end up together?” 

I blinked, wondering what she was talking about. “Huh?” 

“Instead almost everyone put rations on you getting together with Chakotay at one point or another.” She continued and I finally figured she was talking about the betting pool Tom had organized before all this had happened.  
She looked at me directly. “What does that tell you?” 

“That they all got it wrong and that Tom Paris is going to be a rich man.” I yawned, sitting up and stretching my arms. Apparently poker night hadn’t been the evening of fun it usually was.

“I’m serious.” B’Elanna spoke. “That doesn’t bother you?” 

I looked at her quizzically, wondering what had prompted all this. “What?” I asked. “That people thought that Chakotay and I were made for each other?” I shrugged. “I can see why they might think that, but just because they do, doesn’t mean that it’s true.” I frowned and searched her gaze. “The question is, why does it seem to bother you?” 

B’Elanna remained silent for a moment, gathering her thoughts.  
“What if they’re right?” She spoke softly. “I mean, apparently the rumor mill has finally connected the right dots and your outright rejection of Chakotay is the talk of the town.” She shrugged. “But a good number of people are convinced that you will eventually ‘see the error of your ways’ and live happily ever after with him.” 

My eyes widened in disbelief. “And why would you of all people believe any of that?”

“Because…” She chuckled mirthlessly. “Even I didn’t bet on us ending up together.” She took another swig. “I had you and Chakotay put down for moving in together about six months from now.”

I stared at her incredulously for a moment, then snatched the glass from her fingers, downed the last bit of bourbon and put it on the coffee table. Leaning forward, I took her hands in mine. 

“What you and all those people don’t seem to be aware of…” I started huskily, “is how deeply you’ve touched me.” I looked into her eyes. “No one’s ever gotten this close to me. Not Chakotay, not even Mark. There was always a small part of me that I felt I needed to protect, an invisible line that shouldn’t be crossed. But not with you.” 

I scooted closer to her, still holding on to her hands. “Maybe it defies common sense or popular belief, but being with you is the only thing that feels right to me.” I rubbed my thumbs over her knuckles. “The attraction may have started out physically, controlled by pheromones and neurochemicals, but I know that every day since Pon Farr our connection has deepened and will continue to do so. You are the one I want to be with, not Chakotay.”

I noticed tears amassing in the corners of B’Elanna’s eyes at my words and she bit her lip in an effort to keep them from falling.  
“I usually don’t participate in betting pools,” I offered, almost as a closing statement, “but if I did, my rations would be on us.” 

That was enough to make her tears fall freely but she smiled broadly right through them. “Do you really mean that?” 

I stood and pulled her up with me. “Of course I mean that.” I kissed her softly. “I love you.” 

“I love you too.” She whispered and then proceeded to kiss me. 

When we made it to bed that night, our lovemaking was different. Slow and gentle, with tender caresses and delicate moans, gazes locked throughout, affirming our feelings.  
And it felt like our connection deepened even more.

~

The staff meeting next morning proved to be a reality check and in stark contrast to the personal and private way we had handled our relationship up to that point.  
As B’Elanna had mentioned already before, every soul aboard the ship seemed to be not only aware but also very curious about our relationship, as well as Chakotay’s reaction on it. 

I felt their gazes on my way to the Briefing Room. And even there, the members of my senior staff appeared to show varying degrees of interest in the interplay between me, B’Elanna and Chakotay who was back on duty. 

Harry’s eyes darted nervously between the three of us as he was reporting on the refit of the warp coils, like he was trying very hard not to pass any judgment or show favoritism by making sure he was giving us all an equal amount of eye contact. 

Tom had no such qualms. Before he chimed in to add to Harry’s report, there was an obvious frown on his face as he looked at B’Elanna and then a slight scowl as he turned to me. It was fairly obvious that he wasn’t too thrilled with this development.

“Good work gentlemen.” I spoke with a nod to Harry and Tom. Then I turned to B’Elanna. “Now, the garden, Lieutenant. Care to give us an update?” 

Her gaze briefly crossed mine and I knew we both felt the same twinge, realizing that all eyes were on us.

“Wonderful, Captain!” Neelix exclaimed before B’Elanna could even say anything. He had been beaming throughout the meeting and seemed to be ready to burst from excitement as he looked from me to B’Elanna and back. Then his eyes fell on Chakotay and he sobered a little. “Well, I…” He backtracked. “I just want to say that you’ve all been doing such a wonderful job with the garden. Kes and I are very pleased with how it’s progressing.”

“Thanks Neelix. We couldn’t have done it without your help.” B’Elanna tried to get back on topic, well aware that he might easily bring the conversation to our relationship and wanting to avoid that at all costs in order to spare Chakotay the public embarrassment.  
She focused on Harry as she continued. “The first test with TAMAR was successful. We were able program the basic algorithms and test the heuristic learning matrix.”

“As I mentioned to the Captain before, TAMAR’s heuristic abilities pose a potential security risk to the rest of the ship.” Tuvok interrupted her and it hit me that with all that had been going on, I had never mentioned his concern to B’Elanna. 

“It would be prudent to ensure a strict separation between TAMAR and Voyager’s bioneural circuitry.” Tuvok continued. 

Out of all the senior staff, he seemed, in a true Vulcan manner, outwardly not affected by all the commotion. But, similar to when he had broached the subject with me in my Ready Room, I wondered if he was using this example to voice his concerns when it came to my relationship with B’Elanna possibly interfering with ship’s business. 

B’Elanna tilted her head as she considered his words. “I don’t think a complete separation will be possible. There will have to be a minimum of interaction between TAMAR and some of Voyager’s subsystems.” 

“Nevertheless,” I chimed in, “we should make sure the security risks are minimal.”  
I nodded authoritatively in B’Elanna’s direction. More than anything it was a statement that I was putting the ship before my personal relationship and I knew she understood that.

B’Elanna made a note on her PADD. “I’ll look into it with Tuvok, Captain.” She responded. “Next to that, I can also report that we’re also making good progress with the hardware of the garden. Most regulatory systems are installed and Kes is working with the Doctor to get the biological agents ready.” She consulted her PADD. “I’d also like to add that the biggest surprise in this whole endeavor has been the dedication of Manu Wilkes. It looks like he finally found his place on this ship.” 

I smiled and nodded, remembering my initial doubts as Chakotay had recommended him for the job. I turned slightly to my First Officer. “Good call to put him there, Commander.”

Chakotay merely nodded stoically, true to his previous announcement to me that he would keep his communication with me strictly professional. Still, it stung a little and I tried my best to mask that feeling. 

Throughout the rest of the meeting, I wondered how long it would be before all of us would find our new equilibrium.  
Pon Farr had changed things around the ship, not only in my life and that of B’Elanna but in the lives of those close to us as well. It had stirred things up, that was certainly obvious, but eventually things would settle down again and something else would cross our path that would require us to pivot. 

I glanced briefly at Chakotay and couldn’t help but wonder what my life would have looked like if Pon Farr had never happened. But then I let my gaze rest on my feisty Chief Engineer and the tingling in my stomach told me how lucky I was that it did happen. 

And in a moment of clarity, I realized that even without Pon Farr, life still would have found a way to bring us together…

~~~

~Epilogue~

The fragrant soil was warm and moist between my fingers. It was also on my shirt, underneath my fingernails and even a little bit in my hair. 

Like many of the crew, I had signed up for one shift per week to help out in the garden. TAMAR worked even better than we’d hoped, but as anticipated, the system had its limitations and required helping hands from the crew, most of whom were happy to spend some time ‘mucking around in the dirt’ as I remembered Chakotay had once put in on New Earth.

As if he’d known I was thinking about him, my First Officer’s boots appeared beside me. Surprised I looked up. Although it had been a while since he had found out about me and B’Elanna, he’d remained true to his ‘promise’ to keep his distance, so I assumed there had to be a business reason for his visit.

“Are you talking to these tomatoes as well?” He spoke softly, a small smile around his lips. 

The memory of him teasingly accusing me of doing that very thing to the tomatoes on New Earth while we were stranded there, threw me off-guard. It had been ages since he’d said anything to me that could even be remotely considered as small talk, especially something that hinted at our previous closeness.

“They do grow better that way.” I smiled tentatively, wondering if his words meant that he was finally coming to terms with what had happened. 

Chakotay tilted his head. “Well then, by all means, carry on.” He smiled and walked away to hydroculture, across the soil garden, calling Kes’ name. 

“Was that Chakotay talking to you?” A familiar voice sounded behind me and a hand was affectionately placed between my shoulder blades. 

I turned to B’Elanna, still slightly dazed. “Uhuh.” 

She seemed equally surprised, aware of our chilled relations. 

“He asked if I was still talking to the tomatoes.” I grinned, suddenly stupidly happy that he had finally reached out, even if it was on a silly subject like that. 

B’Elanna frowned and gestured at the plants next to me. “But… aren’t those bean stalks?” 

I laughed out loud and then bit my lip as I took her hands.  
“I didn’t have the heart to tell him…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading & commenting!  
> I hope you enjoyed it...


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